whos got jokes?

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by gutz47, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. gutz47

    gutz47 New Member

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    Who's got the good jokes? Dirty, race, dead babies, knock knock...whatever.

    I will start.
    What has two banks and no money?
    A river
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2011
  2. steve666

    steve666 New Member

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    Cowboy goes to the drug store, and asks for a pack of condoms.

    Pharmacist asks "You want a bag?"

    Cowboy says "Nope, she ain't that ugly!"
     

  3. ledhed

    ledhed New Member

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    Why did the bicycle always hang out with the tricycles?


    Because he was a pedal-phile
     
  4. Sniper03

    Sniper03 Supporting Member Supporter

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    Got To Love Those Brits!

    You just got to love the Brits!



    A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f… off and go wait for a camel!"

    This is a factual Joke! The cab drivers name is Mike!
     

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  5. Mosin

    Mosin Well-Known Member

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    LOL!!! I like this because I can actually use it... :D
     
  6. Doc3402

    Doc3402 New Member

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    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80 humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

    4- My left eye will not open.

    5- My right eye will not close.

    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

    7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
     
  7. Dearhunter

    Dearhunter Supporting Member Supporter

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    I still laugh at this one when I see it.

    401332_200932143377425_907037238_.jpg
     
  8. dango

    dango Well-Known Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Once upon a time , a young man asked a beautiful young girl to marry him.
    She refused to marry him and he went on to live a life of biking , drinking , beer ,
    hunting , fishing , had money in the bank and lived happily ever after ! :D
     
  9. GrtWhytHype

    GrtWhytHype New Member

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    A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and

    proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and

    it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the

    fence and yells at the top of his lung
    .
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    " Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"
     
  10. dango

    dango Well-Known Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Me: Crap , lights flashin , I pull over , turn it off , hands on the wheel.

    Officer-Do you know why I pulled you over?

    Me- Nope.....?

    Officer-You were doin 82 MPH in a 65 zone. License , registration and insurance!

    Me-Ain't got no license !

    Officer-Registration and insurance?

    Me-Well , it ain't my car , but wait I did see some papers in the glove box when I stuck my gun in there.

    Officer-You have a gun?

    Me-Yeap , the one I used when I jacked the car off the lady in the trunk.

    Officer-Call for back-up , You have a lady in the trunk?

    Me- Well , where else would I stick her?

    Back-up arrives-Cuffed and thrown on the ground and searched.

    Officer-License is good...!:confused:

    Back-up-There's no gun in the glove box and registration and insurance is good...!

    Officer-Hey , There ain't no lady in the trunk..!

    Me-Yaeh , And he probably told you I was speeding or something to........!:D
     
  11. BeyondTheBox

    BeyondTheBox New Member

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    Q: What do you call a 1 eye deer?
    A: I have no idear...

    Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
    A: Ground beef!
     
  12. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

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    What do you call a deer with no no eyes and no legs?


    still no-eye deer.
     
  13. Marlinman

    Marlinman New Member

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    What do you call 3 Marines fighting 3 army grunts?
    A damn good party

    What do you call 3 Marines fighting 3 navy men?
    Settling department differences

    What do you call 3 Marines fighting a squad of Airmen?
    A slow night

    What do you call 3 Marines fighting a platoon of Cost Gaurd?
    A damn good joke;)
     
  14. Mosin

    Mosin Well-Known Member

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    What do you call 3 Marines fighting the system?

    Don't ask don't tell.
     
  15. Marlinman

    Marlinman New Member

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    Sadly very true:(.......then again that seems to be my new calling card on here. I'm not like the three your talking about though-i just don't like our gubment system;)
     
  16. hoovco

    hoovco New Member

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    Two guys walk into a bar, separately, and have a seat at the bar.

    One guy notices the other has a black eye, just like himself.

    “Hey buddy, how’d you get your shiner?”

    “Well, I was at the train station, and the ticket girl was super hot. And instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I slipped and said ‘two PICKets to TITTsburg’ and she hit me square in the face. How about you? How’d you get yours?”

    “Something similar actaully! I was just having dinner with my wife, and what I MEANT to say was, ‘Honey, can you please pass the peas?’ But I slipped up and said “You b**** you ruined my life!”
     
  17. eldarbeast

    eldarbeast New Member

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    It's official!

    The Marines are switching to using Powdered Soap in the showers ~

    It takes longer to pick up when dropped...

    Go Navy!

    eldar

    PS what does 'Marine' stand for?

    Muh Arse Really Is Navy Equipment!

    OooRah!
     
  18. Marlinman

    Marlinman New Member

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    Unless you are Marine NO ONE should say OOOOOOOOH RAH. The Navy woulda been dead in the water A LONG time ago if it wasn't for the Marines repelling boarders......maybe its true-Navymen really are French transplants;)
     
  19. eldarbeast

    eldarbeast New Member

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    Bite me! ;)

    There were sailors shouting Ooo Rah Long before there were Marines.
    And for the same reason ~ repelling boarders!

    eldar
     
  20. GrtWhytHype

    GrtWhytHype New Member

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    Cop pulls over an old lady for speeding. As he approaches her window she hands him her license, registration, and concealed carry permit.

    The officer turns to her and asks, are you carrying now? She responds yes. I carry my 1911 in my purse. My 357 is in the glove box and I have a 500 win mag in the center console.

    Bewildered, the officer turns to her and says "what the hell are you afraid of?"

    Without skipping a beat she replies, "Not a God Damn Thing!"