Torturing Tango: The BOB Novel

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by Benning Boy, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Since it seems to be BOB week, and since I haven't screwed with him in the last three days, here are the rules.

    I will start with a SHTF scenario. I will dip Tango knee deep in some impossible situation, and the next poster writes how Tango utilizes his BOB to get out of it. If you are using a specific brand of product, post a pic.

    But wait. Once you have rescued Tango, you have to drop him in something worse, and the next poster continues the process.

    I thought about doing this to IGETEVEN, but I would probably write him into the worst crap possible, and the story would end with him in control of my bank account, wearing my slippers, and sleeping with my mother.

    So Tango it is.

    All may post, except Tango.:D

    Remember, situation, rescue, worse situation.

    I'll start.
     
  2. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    The sun was setting over the hills in the Commonwealth of Virginia, casting it's last rays on the small town Tango called home. He was stuffed and drowsy, and a hearty belch brought back one more taste of the whistle pig stew he had polished off an hour before.

    He picked the last blackberry seed from betwixt two teeth, an fond reminder of the cobbler he had created to complement the meal.

    As the sun cast it's last rays, his eyes picked up movement at the base of a hill.

    He blew it off, returned to the house, and sat in front of the computer. Checking his favorite forum, he saw an odd new thread.

    "Truckload of anabolic steroids crashes into shipment of Geoducks"

    "What effin douche has a truckload of gooey ducks, anyways?" he said aloud, when a slimy, incredibly long siphon crashed through the window.

    "S**T!!!", he yelled, ran to the closet, grabbed his BOB, and flew out the door....
     

  3. IGETEVEN

    IGETEVEN New Member

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    Tango thought fast, them damn things are ugly, slimy, nasty, big ol' versions of penis shaped snails..........wait, he looked in his BOB and out came the 5 pound bag of salt he had for curing, cooking and trading. Quickly he made his way around back with the bag and climbed on the roof, positioning himself directly over the slimy POS. He reached for his knife [​IMG] a Ka-Bar Machete, and sliced open the bag, and flailed it out and over the exposed skin section of the giant slug. As soon as the salt hit the Geoduck, the skin started to bubble and hiss. A great plume of gas erupted from the melting creatures skin, as it wiggled around melting in pain from the salt bath. Just a pile of mush and jelly was left with a half shell.

    Alright I win again, them nasty pieces of ssh...........just than Tangle looked up and down the road, and to his horror, he saw more, many more of these hideous, vile creature's heading his way and the one in front was bigger than this one he just killed. :eek:
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  4. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Tango made it to a truck. He bailed into it, and hit the road, looking to make it anywhere, as long as it was away from the large mollusks that took his farm.

    He noticed a can of tamales on the floorboard, picked them up, and got hungry again.

    He reached into his BOB, and pulled out his P-38 can opener. Small, but built like a tank, he ripped through the can, and polished off the tamales with gusto.

    The truck hit a patch of slime in the road, hurtling Tango into a tree, where the cloak of unconsciousness veiled his vision...
     

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  5. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    Luckily Tango's BOB was still draped over his shoulder when awoke and shook away the birdies circling his head. Looking at the burning truck and the two Geoducks ablaze in the leaking fuel, he cursed his giant slimy nemesis. Fumbling through his pack, he retrieved the roller blades of his youth and again stuck out for the safe house he'd planned on for just such an emergency.

    Making it back onto the road, Tango took one last look toward the farm he'd once called home only to see the horror of Zombie hordes riding the backs of the hated Geoducks.
     

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  6. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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  7. dunerunner

    dunerunner New Member

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    Definately, The "Tango Blades of Fury"!! Well done Troy!
     
  8. Jpyle

    Jpyle New Member

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    Barking out his battle cry..."come and get some you effen douches"...Tango again reaches into his trusty BOB and retrieves the newest addition to his battle cache...the tomahawk. He races through the zombie-laden geoducks slashing and hacking...zombie flesh and blood fill the air as Tango, a human cuisinart, purees the deadly denizons into a mollusk zombie bisque.

    [​IMG]

    Catching his breath and surveying his work Tango notices movement in the valley below...could it be..no way. Advancing towards him is the most horrible of horrors...mall ninjas! Hundreds of them decked out in surplus fatigues sporting bling laden ARs...leading the charge...Waterman!
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2010
  9. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

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    Tango was thinking "Thank Odin that my BOB has the capacity of a clown car" as he reached down in there and grabbed his Barrett .50.

    This far and no further you kid touchin' douchebags he yelled as he locked and loaded. Using some Kentucky windage, an infuriated Tango set to knockin down those sissy boy wannabe's like a pinball machine on crack.

    Down and down they fell until finally one of them screamed "That's it, we quit, we're going back to my parents basement for milk and cookies and more Call of Duty video gaming, it doesn't hurt as much."

    It was a good thing too as the crazed Tango was down to his last magazine. However, he owed Dillinger 100 scalps, so he headed down into the fallen mallninja's, grabbed his titanium hunting knife and proceeded to collect the hairy bounty.

    In fact, Tango was so engrossed in his task, even whistling while he worked, that he let his guard down a bit. Big mistake, because the next thing he knew...
     
  10. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    he was being molested by a whistle pig that had eaten a steroid soaked gooey duck. He managed to shift before the amorous beast could close the deal, but now he was on his back.

    We go now to Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg for what happened next....

    Mike: Joe, alot of exciting things are happening in the UFC wild animal division.

    Joe: Yeah, these guys are evolving into true mixed martial artists. Right now, pig is inside Tango's rubber guard. Tango looks gassed.

    Mike: Pig is raining down elbows, a nasty cut has opened on Tango's head.

    Joe: Pig has some sick ground and pound. Tango is just sort of rolling back and forth, Mario Yamasaki is gonna stop this one.

    Mike: Tango is cut worse than Tiger Wood's endorsements. He's reaching into a BOB, he pulled out a pocket chainsaw, has it wrapped around pig's neck...

    Joe: OHHH!!! He just twisted and popped Pig's head off! He's bloodied, he has a terrible cut, but he's out of trouble.

    Dana White: That effin guy is an effin douche. Pocket chainsaws are clearly not alloed, but he effin did as he pleased. He's no fighter, his defense had more effin holes than Brock's intestine. But he's the effin winner, I guess.:mad:
     

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  11. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    LMFAO!! *there goes the Diet Dew*

    100 scalps and ground and pound pig?!?! Are you kidding me?!

    Effing classic!!

    Back to your regularly scheduled Tango Story...
     
  12. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    Just then, night falls across the bloody valley of doom, and as the loaded UFC van is pulling away Tango realizes that he is far to winded to try to claw his way out of this gore soaked mud pit that surrounds him. He must find refuge in this wilderness. He must find a safe place to rest. He must get away or perish. But for now sleep is his only escape. Sweeping his BOB off the ground and slinging it across his back, he makes the short trek to the tree line, where some sort of shelter must exist. And in the few remaining minutes of light he gathers enough wood to start a small fire with the never failing magnesium fire starter, only to find it gone. His fingers search the bottom recesses of the bag, and it’s only then that Tango discovers a small hole torn in the corner, that the little fire starter must have slipped out. Resigned to a cold night without a fire for warmth or security, as he always does, Tango finds another way.

    Fortunately JD had just sent him a complete roll of a mystery “better than 550/paracord” cord, which was quickly knitted into a field expedient Tango hammock. Deftly climbing a large oak to get as far above the stench of rotting gore below, the big man secures this hammock and quietly hums a lullaby as he swings himself to sleep.

    Dawn breaks, and with it a new horror. Tango is stirred to consciousness by a strange feeling. A feeling of…… no wait, it’s just his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. Work is calling….. the server is down!
     

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  13. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    ^^^^^^^

    This is what I was going for. Entertaining, but educational.

    Hadn't considered a hammock, good call.
     
  14. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    Thanks, I do what I can. :rolleyes:
     
  15. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    “The server is down? Really? All the servers are down Jackass!” Tango screams into the phone and hangs up.

    Effin Douche. These are the end of days and you are worried about your precious little reports he thought to himself. Then his stomach started to remind him that he had not eaten since the can of tamales and he was HUNGRY!

    Gathering a few of the acorns from around the mighty oak Tango took some left over better than 550 paracord ( to be revealed by Benning in his review next week ) and set about making a couple of snare traps, baiting them with the acorns that he split open with his CRKT M16 pocketknife.

    Watching the traps was taking forever and Tango was hungry now. Patience was not one of Tango’s many virtues.

    Wandering down the bank to a nearby stream, he noticed that judging by the depth and flow, this could very well be a good spawning stream. He wandered back to his BOB and proceeded to create a fish trap out of an old shirt and a couple of tree branches he whacked off with his Ka-Bar.

    Wading slowly into the water, “God Damn this is some cold sh*t” he quipped and started to dredge the water along the banks.

    Suddenly the water started to rise in a very fast fashion. Whipping around, Tango looked upstream to see a giant wave of water coming his way with no sign of stopping. Breaking into a water plagued sprint for the hill he was hit with a massive wave and tossed about like a rag doll screaming at the Effing Douche that broke the damn the whole way….
     
  16. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Pause.

    Please explain the fish trap from an old shirt, new for me.
     
  17. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    Illegal as hell, but effective. Learned about it watching Alaskan Survivor or some such shi*ite.

    Essentially, you take an old shirt and wrap the top and bottom around two sticks.

    You hold a stick in each hand and drag it through the stream.

    The water is filtered through the shirt, but when you run into a fish or shrimp or crawfish or whatever, they are trapped. You lift them out of the water in your makeshift net and toss them up onto the bank.

    It helps if you know there are fish there, like during a spawn.
     
  18. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Suhweet!

    Resume.

    Tango hurtled down the river, dipping below the surface repeatedly.

    "Can't...drown ...must ...repopulate planet...with..." he trailed off.

    Tango shucked off his pants, and tied off the cuffs. In a looping arc, he swung them overhead, forcing air into them, and rolled the waist, trapping the air and creating a makeshift flotation device.

    He bounced along until he washed up on a bank, and passed out.

    Awakening cold, wet, and naked, it was just him and his BOB.

    He needed to get warm, dry, and clothed, and quickly....