The Six Million Dollar Man

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by Benning Boy, Jun 18, 2010.

  1. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    A Huey hovers over the triple canopy of Panama. A solitary figure checks his line one more time, about to Aussie rappel into the dank, moist darkness of the jungle.

    He had been to "The Ma" before, and had enemies here. But none as viscious as Tika.

    Tika was the mate of Manuel, a proud monkey that was eaten by Col. Jack Austin during his last visit here. She howled as Jack bit into Manuel's head, and consumed him alive, rivulets of blood spraying into Jack's manly moustache.

    Tika had ascended the Black Palm, and with an all too human glint in her eyes, defecated into her hand, and lobbed it onto the chopper skid undetected. As the Colonel stepped out, he slipped, went face first into the skid, and was knocked unconscious by the only man alive who could knock him out, himself.

    With nobody on belay, he took a header into the darkness, catching tree limbs and hand sized thorns the whole way down, into oblivion....
     
  2. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Groggy, our hero comes to for just a moment, amidst an acrid, antiseptic smell. His vision is obscured by the haze of the drugs and the gauze that covers his face.

    Masks cover the faces of surgeons hovering over him, they're playing music in the O.R.

    He recognizes the tune as Andrea True's "More, more, more", a favorite disco tune of his, only for the fact that Andrea was 70's adult cinema star, who kept her bits unshorn, and Jack had tapped it long ago. He smiled as he slipped back into oblivion....
     

  3. notdku

    notdku Administrator Staff Member

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    What's this now?
     
  4. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    Minor correction of fact. If I'm not mistaken, Jack Austin is a Sgt Major...
     
  5. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Jack sat in the recovery room, completely immobile. Not due to his extensive surgery, but due to the adamantium shackles that bound him.

    Oscar Dillinger poked his head in the door. Satisfied that Jack was suitably restrained, he entered.

    Dillinger was a former "Office" boy, a C.I.A. spook that got dirt on the highest ranking member of the land, and convinced him to allow Dillinger to start his own special ops agency, based in Wyoming. Only three people knew of The Agency of National Geoduck Observation, or that Dillinger was the Man from T.A.N.G.O.

    "Hey, Jack," he smiled, resplendent in his Hugo double breasted.

    "What's with the chains, sh!tbird?"

    "Jack, you sustained some pretty serious injuries. I won't mince words, we replaced some of your parts with bionic substitutes."

    Jack grinned. "Sweet! What do I have? Super powerful legs? Arms that I can do PT with all day?"

    "Jack, that black plam was pretty nasty. You have a bionic moustache and Johnson."

    A nurse dropped a tray of meds in the hall, startled by the scream.
     
  6. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    *spitting water on the screen*

    Man from T.A.N.G.O. - LMFAO!!!

    How long have you been waiting to use that one, you Most Excellent Friend you?

    This is going to be epic.....
     
  7. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    I thought SFC, but you have to be an officer to be an astronaut. Or rich.
     
  8. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    I had a thread poll about recasting old T.V. shows with our guys. I said screw it, I'll just do them all, this is the first.
     
  9. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Just came to me, I never think these out, I just let them go.;)
     
  10. suprdave

    suprdave New Member

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    Hairy vajayjays are in serious trouble, now!
     
  11. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Jack frowned at his therapist. He frowned at the hospital gown that exposed his buttocks. He frowned at the thought of his artificial limbs.

    "Okay, Colonel, the quicker we get you moving, the quicker we can get you back to the field. Your moustache has been augmented with nanobot technology. Millions of tiny robots reside in the follicles, and are controlled by your brain waves."

    "I've got crabs in my stache? Not the first time. I gave a special ride to this girl in Belize..."

    Jacks therapist, a leggy brunette, blushed and dismissed him. "By will alone, your moustache can extend and move. It's reinforced with fiber optic strands and titanium micro cable, so there's no magnetic signature, but it's virtually unbreakable.

    She bent over to pick up a box, her shapely rump saddened the now altered Jack.

    She sat it in front of him. "What's in the box?" she asked.

    "How the hell should I know"

    "Find out."

    Jack stared at the box. His stache extended, and entered the box beneath the flap. "It's dark."

    "Use the fiberoptic light, and the camera, and the image will feed directly into your retina."

    Jack concentrated. It was a bottle of bourbon. He willed the left portion of his stache to hold it, the right to twist the cap. His stache lifted it from the box, retracted, and brought it to his eager lips, where he belted down half of it.

    "Let's work on your other modification now," she smiled.
     
  12. IGETEVEN

    IGETEVEN New Member

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    WHOOT! :D

    Jack
     
  13. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Jack looked down at Top, his trusty dink. Looked the same.

    "What you're looking at is the Subcutaneous Undermodel Penile Replicant Delivery Arsenal Victory Engager."

    "So, what you're saying, is S.U.P.R.D.A.V.E. is a d!ck?"

    "Yes. For lack of a better term, SuprDave is a d!ck.";):D

    "Attached to your nerve endings, the SuprDave functions exactly as your prior appendage did, but by cracking the first knuckle on you left hand, it will fire 45 ACP 185 Grain +P rounds. These are completely copper, so no lead worries."

    "Your second knuckle will extend it 3 times it's original length and girth, for a total of 36", or one meter in Europe."

    "Your third knuckle allows it to utilize it's hydraulic capabilities."

    Jack was amped. "Fourth knuckle?" he grinned.

    "Never pull the fourth knuckle. Let's do a test." She shrugged out of her uniform, jaybird nude, and got into the test Prius in the center of the room, locking the doors.

    "Come and get me, before I drive away!"

    Jack knitted his brow. He cracked a knuckle, blowing a hole in the tire. He ran to the Prius, knelt before it, and jacked it up with old Top. Using his stache, he retrieved a spare from the trunk, changed the tire, lowered the vehicle, and picked the lock, entering the Prius with the nude therapist. He closed the door, and cracked the fourth knuckle.

    A nurse in another facility dropped meds, startled by the screams.
     
  14. suprdave

    suprdave New Member

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    At least I'm not a douche...:D
     
  15. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    All in fun, bro. You're a star, now!;)
     
  16. suprdave

    suprdave New Member

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    I'm happy to be a large "member" of this. It's good to know that I'm "head" and shoulders above the rest. Glad I didn't get the "shaft" on this story!
     
  17. Gatekeeper

    Gatekeeper New Member

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    Don't go getting a big head over it. [​IMG]