The situation with my dad

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by trip286, Sep 18, 2011.

  1. trip286

    trip286 New Member

    okay there was some interest expressed on this issue when it was mentioned in this thread

    So here is the lowdown (it's a long story)

    About a year ago to the day, I had a big falling out with my dad.

    First a little back story. I got a hernia while working on the trans continental pipeline project a couple years ago and wasn't able to work. I'll leave most of the details out of it as it doesn't pertain to the issue, but it involved a lawsuit and surgery

    While I was recovering from the surgery (2 months is what the surgeon dictated), my dad had recently gotten married and was living with his new wife, and my paternal grandfather had recently passed away, so my dad said,"Hey, move into my house, and help out your mamaw." (she lived right next door) The agreement was that as long as I wasn't working and still recovering from the surgery, I wouldn't owe him a dime in exchange for keeping up the property and helping out my grandmother. So I got my wife down here from NC (where she was staying with her parents since I was on the road) and proceeded with the agreement.

    Fast forward a little, I was cleared to go back to work and did so. I got 2 jobs in fact, and was still taking care of my grandmother, along with my wife who was also working and helping to take care of my grandmother.

    After about a month we had a little money in savings, and I offered to start paying rent to my dad (about 3 months total after surgery, I move fast). Well he turned down my offer to pay rent, but I insisted on paying utilities such as electric, gas, satellite t.v., and phone. Well, he took me up on it, but later on he shut off the satellite and phone. This was an aggravation to say the least, and no I didn't leave him hanging on the bills they were payed in full.

    So we got the satellite and phone put in our own names, no biggie, like I said it was an aggravation.

    Then I found out that he was running around town telling everyone that I'm a deadbeat and a bum. I was pretty pissed off, between my wife and I we had 3 jobs and were taking care of 2 properties, and running my grandmother all over 3 counties for doctor's appointments and what not (that last was more a labor of love, I would have done it without being asked) and the utilities that were still in his name that I was paying to him were 500 a month give or take (depending on electric and gas usage, basically the weather) so we had several confrontations over that.

    Insert for timeline purposes, My dad and his new wife split up, after being married for less than a year, so he moved in with us. Right after that happened my Grandmother (his step mom) passed away. There is a story behind that too, doesn't relate though. So he moved into her house, before she was even in the ground.

    The final straw was when he called and had the garbage pickup service discontinued. Such a small thing, considering I could burn the garbage on site and it only cost something like 15 bucks per fiscal Quarter.

    But my wife who had kept silent through all his crap, decided to give him a call and left a pretty pissed off message, yeah for lack of a better way of saying it-she showed her ***.

    And so he comes on over, I had just gotten off work and was scarfing a meal before heading out for my second job, and he just walks in, doesn't knock or anything, and commences to go ballistic on my wife while we are trying to eat dinner, and right in front of my kid.

    My wife sits back and tells him, "Mamaw would be ashamed of you and the way your acting" (she had grown to love her while helping her, and considered her to be her grandmother too, having barely known her before)

    My dad's response was to tell my wife he was going to "F@#% you up" while coming at her with his fist raised.
    I had been sitting in disbelief, not even knowing what the heck was going on or why, and this is when I finally come to my senses and bulldozed him out the door. He said he wanted "that b@#%" out of the house by the end of the week, me and my son could stay, but she has to go.

    So we all left. That very night. We packed our stuff into an enclosed trailer of my friend, broke out a tent and moved into a campground for about a month until we could find a place to rent within our budget. My dad thought that he would force me to choose between him and my family, so guess what? I chose my family.

    I had never gotten along with him for any length of time in my entire life, he has always talked down to me, told me I was worthless, so on and so forth. But I just kept coming back to him because he's dad, and I tried to conform to his expectations.
    So that's it in a nut shell.

    Many here feel that they could patch things up with their fathers, and can't because they have passed on.

    So here is the gist of the whole post. I have pretty much written him off and moved on with my life, but others think that I am leaving unfinished business, and not just those here; but other family members, friends and neighbors think that I should go to him and try to patch things up.

    Let me reiterate, the very last memory my son has right now of his grandfather was him coming after his mom and threatening her, and then me taking him out the door.

    What do y'all think I should do?

    I may or may not take any advice given, but you never know what someone may say.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2011
  2. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

    Genesis 2, verse 24.

    Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

    Im my opinion, regretably, the conduct of your father towards your wife (and his grandchildren) has, in my view, removed him from the role of an honored member of the family to a hostile stranger. Not in being petty, or a PITA, but in offering violence to them.

    You owe your family not to place them in the way of harm from people like that. Your father's opinions, views, values, etc are one thing. Actions are another.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2011

  3. usmcprofessional

    usmcprofessional New Member

    i commend you, i would have shot my father for that. but then again im not from the good ole american 60's so i have a newer look on family than what tradition would suggest.

    my father grew up in the household you describe. his father married another woman who proceeded to love her own children more than her husbands. my dad was constantly beat for things he didnt do since my stepgrandmas kids would blame actions on him and his brother, uncle matt. now i had to grow up eating breakfast for dinner cause my father cherished eggs and bacon since he didnt have a home cooked breakfast until he was in his 20's.

    family is just people tradition says you "should" love no matter what. i think when it comes to family believe in 2 things. 1-blood related just means they know you better so they can screw you over worse than anybody. 2-dont take anyones advice on how to handle your family garbage.
  4. mrm14

    mrm14 Active Member

    I have to agree with c3 here and keep your family away from his poison.

    It sounds like he may take a bit too much to the drink and if so there would be no good to come of it trying to reason with him.
  5. texaswoodworker

    texaswoodworker New Member

    I'm sorry for your bad experience. There's not much you can really do thought. If he doesn't want to change, he won't. He'll be the one missing out on your, your wife's, and your son's life, not you. If he's not willing to change, I would say it's time to move on. I hope everything works out for the best.
  6. trip286

    trip286 New Member

    this reminded me. My sister wanted to know what it would take for me to work things out with him, and I told her that first if he wants to work things out he needs to let me know and we can start talking. When she relayed this to him, his response to her was that he didn't do anything wrong, and therefore he wouldn't be the one to try to patch things up. So that's how much he wants to be a part of mine and my family's lives.
  7. Dennis845

    Dennis845 New Member

    I'm not qualified nor do I desire to offer you any advice. I will say I had life long problems with my father also, nothing such as yours and much of my own doing when I was younger. My father passed away about a decade ago, and it's to late to apologize and patch things up. It's a haunting that's with me everyday. I wish I could go back in time. Best wishes.
  8. Overkill0084

    Overkill0084 Active Member

    Just by the way you describe you father's behavior tells me that there is probably more to it than simply being a jerk. Passive-Aggressive behavior being the most obvious symptom. And, it would seem , anger management issues. I suspect if a qualified shrink could evaluate him, there would be a number of issues diagnosed.
    Take care of your family, that's job one. If you should communicate with him at some point, suggest he seek treatment. It may be fixable at some point, but he's going to have to recognize that he's got issues and deal with them first.
  9. trip286

    trip286 New Member

    No worries there, my family is my life. There is never anything that is off limits when it comes to taking care of them.
  10. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

    Walk away and get on with your life. Don't listen to what others tell you you "should do". Care for your own family.

    He doesn't sound like "Father of the Year" at the best of times. You owe him nothing and have nothing to prove. Take a pass.
  11. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

    I had a lot of issues with my Mother and how she treated my wife. We walked away, but my Mother came back. She didn't apologize, but did let my wife and I have some control with her doctors. The doctors diagnosed a disorder that was somewhat bi=polar, without calling it that. They prescribed a medicine somewhat like Prozac, which allowed her not to misread others intentions. Worked like a charm until she died. She went from a ***** to a person that was pleasant to be around, and even participated in events at the Seniors Apartments she lived in.

    Sounds to me like that would work, but my Mom was 82 when that happened.

    Good luck. Not a good thing to be apart from family, but sometimes it is necessary until he who needs help finds it.
  12. TimKS

    TimKS Active Member Lifetime Supporter


    It IS finished.....move on. Good luck, you made the right choice.
  13. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

    Write your dad a heartfelt letter, take your time in doing it. Write what you feel. Then make a list of the good things and the bad things about your father and compare the good with the bad.

    Then is the bad outweighs the good and the bad doesn't look like it will change, burn both the letter and the list. Do this again if you feel the urge to patch things up.

    If the good is equal to the bad and the bad can be changed or the good outweighs the bad, send him that letter. If he responds and you patch things up I would caution you to keep your wife and son out of the relationship. They do not deserve any more pain from him.

    In any case don't expect him to respond or to change. That probably isn't going to happen.
  14. PerpetualStudent

    PerpetualStudent New Member

    Trip, let me ask you. How important is your relationship with your dad? Rather, how important is it to you that you have a relationship with your dad?

    It isn't always necessarily a psych issue. Often times, it's an ego issue. A lack of control and a lack of options on the aggressors part. Not options in the physical sense, options in the mental faculties.

    Some people simply don't know that they can talk and be very nice and even passive without being weak. As an example.

    So, I ask you, how important is the relationship to you?
  15. trip286

    trip286 New Member

    It hasn't been so important since he walked out on us all when I was 12, but because he is my dad, I had always tried to maintain a relationship with him. It was more important I think to me than it was to him. My sister and I came home from school one day to find most of his things gone and his bags packed; he never came home that night but the next few days after that each time we got off the school bus there were a few more things missing. After the divorce I left town with my mom and moved about 2 hours away. I remember my sister coming down to spend the weekend with us a minimum of every other week, and not being able to see my dad for 2-3 months at a time because on my visitation weekends he had something better to do. Usually that something better was a party.

    So yeah, he has always been important to me, but everything started going downhill in the father-son department when he snuck around like a coward moving things out. And since then it's just been one thing after another until at this point in time I just don't really even want him in my life anymore, and he hasn't been in my life for almost exactly a year. This stuff happened 2 days before my birthday last year, and my birthday is Sep 23.

    As of now, like I said, I don't want him. But it still eats at me that things are this messed up with him.
  16. PanBaccha

    PanBaccha New Member

    Sometimes we outgrow our fathers
    and realize, and I mean realize, who
    and what they were all this time. It
    makes for a depressing moment. But
    it is important now to transfer that
    feeling of validation to yourself now.
    You are the father. He is the undeveloped
    child in old clothes. Evolution will take care
    of his growth. You need to move on ANEW!
  17. trip286

    trip286 New Member

    Thank you. And everyone else who has offered their support. I have had people telling me for the past year that I should patch things up with him, just about everyone but my Mom. These are all people that have said it's important to try for no other reason than the fact that he is my dad. I've felt I should just let it go and be done with it myself, and it's what I've done for the past year, but other people's words have had me doubting myself, and you guys have validated my decision. A decision that I felt was the right one to begin with. Thanks
  18. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member

    I've lived this scenario the other way around. My Dad was not a nice man when we were all growing up. He was vindictive and passive aggressive mean. Only within the last 6 years or so has he begun to see we love him and now he loves us back. Strange.......
  19. trip286

    trip286 New Member

    Well who knows what might happen in the future. He has 3 kids and only one of them still talk to him, being my middle sister-2 years older than me. My oldest sister is in her mid 30's and lives in Columbia (her mom was an exchange student to my dad's high school in the 70's) but she wants nothing to do with him either cause he's treated her like dirt too.

    Maybe one day he'll wake up and realize what's going on. "But as for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord", and I'll be long gone with my life and family.
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2011
  20. Alchemist

    Alchemist New Member

    I've noticed that some people aren't interested in changing and growing in consciousness... in "growing up"... I've noticed that some people aren't bright enough to even understand what "denial" even is. I've noticed that some people are very slow to comprehend much about simple human relations and they are labeled with the word "stubborn"... Some people have to mull over the simplest social concepts for decades before they can begin to get a handle on them. Bottom line: A lot of people are simply not very bright... so the rest of us need to be patient but firm in dealing with them... and we all deal with this stuff at some level.

    David Richo's "The Five Things We Cannot Change"...

    (1) everything changes and ends,
    (2) things do not always go according to plan,
    (3) life is not always fair,
    (4) pain is a part of life, and
    (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time.

    Blessings to you Trip286...