The Complete Military History of France

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by hkusp45, Apr 1, 2008.

  1. hkusp45

    hkusp45 New Member

    The Complete Military History of France:
    * Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
    * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare:
    "France's armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman."
    * Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
    * Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
    * Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. She claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
    * War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
    * The Dutch War - Tied
    * War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three "ties" in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
    * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
    * American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
    "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
    * French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
    * Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
    * Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
    * World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but with one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
    * World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
    * War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
    * Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
    * War on Terrorism - Losing. France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. France will be the first European country to fall to Islam and will no longer exist for Frenchmen.
  2. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

    Great post +1 on comedic factor alone. Widespread use of condoms. Classic! - However...

    You forgot the fire sale of French Military Hardware that has routinely taken place after each conflict.

    For Sale: French Military Rifles - Never Fired. Only dropped ONCE! French Military Troop Transport - One Forward Gear. Four Reverse.

    Last edited: Apr 1, 2008

  3. Zappa

    Zappa New Member

    I have no respect for any nation that bestows its highest honor to Jerry Lewis for his comedic genius (?) :eek:
  4. gnoll

    gnoll Guest

  5. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

    I always liked this one:

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