Spike's FTF Fall Lineup

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by Benning Boy, Jul 22, 2009.

  1. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Since I derailed my technically more important occult thread, I offer the shows for the Fall that need to be made.

    This was one of my usual joke threads, but I'm starting to see potential. A Spike T.V. series, at least.

    It's almost dusk at the Transylvanian castle when the Ghost Hunter International van pulls into the courtyard. It has been a long flight, a longer drive, and the crew knows it will be worth it for the footage they will get in this notoriously high paranormal activity area.

    Oddly, they are not alone. Another van occupies the courtyard, and a surly looking crew has obviously been there for some time.

    Tango: "Did you see the way that effin vampire went straight for Matt? It was like Matt had an effin pork chop tied to his neck!"

    GojuBrian: "That's because Matt hasn't accepted Jesus. Vampires can tell."

    Matt: "I didn't agree to come here to get preached to."

    Tango: "Anywhoo, I hemmed his @$$ up with my gasoline/blackpowder/Febreeze bomb, didn't I?"

    Benning: "And you managed to wash out all the video with the light flash, so we have no footage."

    Tango: "Here we go again. You got yer effin panties in a wad with the effin video again. Douche."

    Benning: "You guys. Les enfant terrible."

    Tango: "What's that supposed to mean, little frilly panty girl?"

    Ineff: "Benning was merely using a shrewdly juxtaposed series of principles he half gleaned, obviously, from the works of Machievelli, likely from his earlier works."

    The crew: ".............."

    J.D.: "Has anyone seen my Cold Steel Spartan?"

    Benning: Whistles nervously.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2009
  2. orangello

    orangello New Member

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    ^^^ LOL!

    I would think fire would burn up the mummies. IIRC the British used some for stoking the fires of some steam-powered trains back in the colonial days.
     

  3. robocop10mm

    robocop10mm Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Too freakin' funny Benning. I guess I won't be on the show?
     
  4. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    I've got bigger plans for you.

    "He's big. He's bad. And this fall, Spike has him. Robo finds out that he sired 2 children that he never knew about. They fall on hard times, and have to move in with him. Madcap hilarity ensues, and Robo's only line through the whole series is "Ahem." See "Robo knows best" this fall on Spike."

    Orangello: "Hey, Jiro, wanna spark one up and pass the dutchie?"

    Robo: "Ahem."

    Orangello: "Ahh, maybe not."

    Jiro: "Yeah, Robo's right. Besides, I gotta go give that fargin icehole cop a piece of my mind for writing me that ticket."

    Robo: "Ahem."

    Jiro: "Or I can accept that I made a mistake and use this as a growing experience."

    Robo: Nods approvingly.

    :cool::cool::cool:
     
  5. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    I think I've derailed my own thread, and maybe another thread is warranted.

    What say ye?
     
  6. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    LMAO - And now, taking Center Stage, it's Benning's Traveling Players...

    You definitely have too much time on your hands my friend.

    That was a good laugh first thing in the morning. Ahhh, I needed that....

    JD
     
  7. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Skulls of Lambs.

    A young ATF agent, played by Julianne Moore, is sent to interview madman Skullcrusher.

    ATF Director: "I need you to go in, ask him the relevant questions, and get out. Don't tell him anything about yourself.

    Julianne: "Yes sir."

    Julianne knocks at Skull's door. A clean cut man answers.

    Julianne: " Mr. Skullcrusher, may I ask you some questions?"

    Skull: "Of course, come in. I was just making lunch. Would you join me?"

    Julianne: (With trepidation) "Okay."

    They sit. Skull brings two plates, a sandwich, some chips, and a parsley sprig adorns each. Julianne tucks into the sandwich, and nods approvingly.

    Julianne: "So sir, you're not in any trouble, I just needed to ask about..."

    Skull: "You're pale. Don't take care of yourself the way you used to. Is it because you were snubbed for that academy award? That you will always be known as "Academy Award Nominee?" (Skull strips, tucks his bits, and dances) Rub the lotion on me!"

    Julianne runs for the door, opens it, pauses, looks back, and asks,"What was in the sandwich? It was really good."

    Skull: "I call it a Benning."
     
  8. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Matt the Exorcist

    Matt is called to exorcise the demon Azazel from the body of a nubile actress.

    Matt enters the room, where the girl is tied to a bed, and moaning in what seems to be multiple voices.

    Demon girl: "False priest! Have you come to drive me out in the name of your weak God?"

    Matt: "Nope. Don't believe in that stuff."

    Demon girl: "Uhh, what??"

    Matt: "Don't believe in you either."

    Demon girl: "But,...I can spew odd colored vomit!"

    Matt: "Ate some shrooms once. Did the same thing. Meh."

    Demon girl: "I can spew profanity like ten drunken sailors!"

    Matt: "So you're possesed by Tango?"

    Demon. "F**k it. I'm out of here."
     
  9. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    "Don't believe in you either" LOL Effing classic.... You forgot to mention the part about matt press checking Ineff's favorite Kimber and then putting some Zepplin on the stereo downstairs to make his entrance....

    JD
     
  10. orangello

    orangello New Member

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    "dutchie"? I can only assume you meant "doobie". :)
     
  11. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    No, I am sure he meant dutchie. As in "Pass the Dutchie" from Musical Youth??

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt6V3Ic72nE"]YouTube - Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie live in 1983 (with lyrics)[/ame]
     
  12. user4

    user4 New Member

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    I disapprove of any series where Matt isn't some creature's lunch within the first 3 minutes.

    Matt: "Captain, I think I've found something... Aaaaaagggghhhh!"

    Now, THAT's good television.

    Or we could do a remake of the Firefly series..

    Mal Reynolds - BKT
    Jayne Cobb - JD
    Wash Washburn - Benning
    Zoe - Samples
    River Tam - Summer Glau
    Guy #4 who is River's love slave at various ports of call - Ineffable

    See? I don't really need the lime light. Just a bit part.
     
  13. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Rastafarian educational break: Dutchie is correct, as J.D. has cited. Originally, it meant Dutch Oven, and they were talking about food. Since the "lefthand side" reference made it's way into the song, Dutchie became slang, in certain circles, for doobie.

    Don't bust my chops, I'm making you a star, for heaven's sake!:mad:
     
  14. orangello

    orangello New Member

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    Sorry, not familiar with that; thanks for the fame. :D Rastas are stinky & need religion as an excuse for enjoying mother nature's blessing, IMO.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2009
  15. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    Sweeeeeeetttt!

    JD Approves of this casting. :D
     
  16. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    The Most Dangerous Game

    Spike's entry into the Instructional Hunting Show fray stars RL357. But this is no tramping through the woods, whispering into the microphone show, oh no.

    RL357 is stalking the most dangerous game, in the most dangerous environment. He's hunting Liberals, and he's doing it at Starbucks!

    Sheryl Crow warbles in the background:"Lie to me, I promise, I'll believe."

    Barrista: "Next! Yes, sir."

    RL357: "Cup o Joe."

    Barrista: "??????"

    RL357: "A cup of coffee, with cream. You know, cream, like what you get when you suckle at the teat of Hanoi Jane."

    Barrista: "???, okay, would you like to try a Patriotic muffin today?"

    RL357: "It's a bun with a little paper flag on a toothpick stuck in it. What do you do with the flag when you finish the muffin?"

    Barrista: "You throw it in our re...cycle...bin....uhoh."

    Buckshot and pandemonium rule Thursday nights this Fall on Spike!
     
  17. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    Ineff and BKT are Legal F*****G Eagles!

    (This will be tough, but a request was made, I wish I had writers for this one.)

    Ineff and BKT are loose cannon lawyers who find loopholes. Fortyfive caliber loopholes.

    They prosecute poorly, by choice. They want vermin on the street, so they can deal justice their own way!

    Let's join a case in progress...

    Guest Judge Dana White: "So does the prosecution have any questions?"

    LFE: "We rest, your honor."

    Dana: "Rest? You've presented nothing."

    BKT: "Scholarly catch, your honor."

    Dana: "Council, are you being a f****g smarta**?"

    Ineff: "I think, your honor, my learned colleague was merely commenting on your display of the astute, and in the most reverent of tones."

    Dana: "You guys want this c********r to go free? Because you give me no f*****g choice, you realize that?"

    Ineff: "To quote Epicurus.."

    Dana: "Shut the f**k up! You think I don't f*****g know what this is? You got the Kimber back from the shop, didn't you? You want this guy back on the street, so you can get some hollowpoint, woodchipper action, don't you?"

    Defense Attorney: "Your Honor, my client would like to change his plea to guilty."

    Legal F*****g Eagles, this Fall, on Spike!
     
  18. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    ^^^^ OMG!! That is effing epic!

    Can we send RL on location to Hollywood halfway through the second season??

    Maybe he can visit Bono backstage at one of their "concerts"??

    Can we get him sponsored by Remington and Rock River Arms? Then, like halfway through the hunt he can give us a break down of the fine firearm's he is using in this episodes show??

    Can we have a "Mail bag" option where viewers can write in with good places to hunt, or an "Argue with RL" section where some Leftist Idiot makes some snide remarks and instead of addressing them on camera, RL goes there and chokes some sense into the guy in his own home, with a camera crew in tow??

    Oh, this just writes itself.... LOL
     
  19. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    Legal ****ing Eagles!!! Oh, that's awesome....LMAO!!!

    I am seriously in tears over here....
     
  20. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

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    In the tradition of Mike Hammer, and Mickey Spillane,

    Dillinger for Hire

    (J.D. narrates in first person as a shot of him sitting in the dark pans into focus.)

    I'm Dillinger. I'm a loner, for the most part. I have three friends. One travels in a Kydex holster, one occupies a martini glass, and one's a tall, well dressed black guy with a clean shaven head named Benning (I'll have to work some things out with the make up department).
    Benning is who I was on the phone with now.

    Benning: "What's shakin, baby?"

    Dillinger: "At the moment, nothing. I need a gig, soon. I'm getting the itch."

    Benning: "I'll keep an ear to the street."

    Dillinger: "I appreciate it. Be cool."

    Benning: "Solid."

    As I hung up, I made my way to the waiting room. And there she was.

    She looked like an angel that took a wrong turn and wound up in the mean streets of Portland. Showgirl legs, washboard stomach, and eyes so pale that they caught the neon of the city and reflected it back times ten.

    She was thumbing through my GQ, looked up, and asked, "Why do all the watch ads in here show the watch reading 10 past 10?"

    "Old trick.The watch is smiling at you."

    Staring at the print of my 1911, and it's angles, she quipped, "And that?"

    "My pants are smiling at you."

    See Dillinger for Hire, this fall on Spike!