Spam I Am

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by txpossum, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. txpossum

    txpossum New Member

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    Tired of paying outrageously high prices for freeze dried emergency foods? Or, maybe you haven't been duped into shelling out for the big commercial "emergency" food companies, but lay awake night, dreading that EMP flash or the sound of zombies chanting "brains . . . brains . . . brains", knowing you're not ready to take care of yourself and your family during the Apocalypse.

    Well . . . worry no more. Possum's Premium Hardtack provides an affordable alternative to those expensive MRE's or freeze-dried foods. Made of all natural ingredients, and double-baked to ensure years of storage, Possum's Premium Hardtack is a tribute to the food that was eaten and enjoyed for decades by such he-man adventurers as artic explorers, civil war soldiers (on BOTH sides), sailors, and rogue British second sons searching for the lost mines of King Solomon. A modern survival food and link to our heritage.

    Packed in mylar bags with oxygen absorbers to preserve freshness, a 2 lb. bag is only $12.99, plus shipping by USPS priority mail. For extra authenticity, order our "meal worms, maggots, and weevil" packet separately.

    Don't forget to check out Possum's First Aid section for this months special on leeches.

    Your family depends on you; you can depend on Possum's Premium Hardtack.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2013
  2. Airborne1

    Airborne1 Member

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    No thanks, I will stick with the newer ones... I never could get used to the maggots and the other extras.

    Ken
     

  3. eatmydust

    eatmydust New Member

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    Does Possum's Premium take barter offers?

    I have access to real Amish raised compact fuel patties, that are grass fed, free range products!
     
  4. yazul42

    yazul42 Active Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Has the " Dr. Possum's Discount Surgical Emporium " had its Grand Opening sale yet?
     
  5. JonM

    JonM Moderator

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    This sounds like spatula city....
     
  6. txpossum

    txpossum New Member

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    Hmmm. No, but would consider a partnership to make a bid for a part of the profitable cow chip market. After all, firewood will go fast in an apocalypse, and a few bundles of dried cow patties stored in the garage just makes good sense.
     
  7. txpossum

    txpossum New Member

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    Hopefully, soon. Still looking for a reliable supplier for sulpha powder.
     
  8. spack762

    spack762 New Member

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    Sad. Here I thought this a as about the delicious caned meat. Thanks fir gettin the FatKids hopes up. Sad.
     
  9. MisterMcCool

    MisterMcCool Well-Known Member Supporter

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    This crap is awful. I want my money back! :p
     
  10. boatme98

    boatme98 New Member

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    To:
    Possum's Premium Hardtack Corp.

    Dear Sirs,
    I am writing to regretfully inform you of my intentions to bring legal action against your company. PPH, et al.
    My concerns are;

    While Plumbum is certainly a natural element, I hardly think shot pellets could be considered a natural food product. I'm not sure if you are using the pellets as filler or if you were using the dough for ballistics testing. Either way, I do expect recompense for dental services.

    Secondly, I find no proof of "double baking". My lovely wife achieves the same consistency with Pallsbury biscuit dough every time she bakes them. They go wonderfully with her 24 hour roast beef.

    Lastly I am very disappointed that you did not include a warning on the Mylar bags. Imagine my consternation upon realizing that the afore mentioned bags were NOT a good play toy for my 3 year old Baby Bubba. He will be missed.

    You may direct all correspondence to my attorneys at:

    Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe
    1200 Deeppockets Circle
    Bendover, Tx. 0U812
     
  11. txpossum

    txpossum New Member

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    You ate the box it came in, idiot.
     
  12. txpossum

    txpossum New Member

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    Dear Boatme98:

    I am in receipt of you letter threatening legal action against my company. Upon my review of your complaints, I find your allegations to be groundless.

    First of all, lead is a natural element. It is atomic number 82 in the periodic table.

    Secondly, is your wife by any chance looking for a new career? It sound like we could use her in our production department.

    Finally, by "mylar bag" I am assuming you are referring to our "Youth Model Apollo Space Cadet Helmet", which is included as a free bonus with every order. Obviously you didn't read the small print disclaimer which stated it should only be used with the optional oxygen tank, to be ordered separately. My condolences on your loss.

    If you persist in your complaint, please refer future correspondence to my attorneys, Screwim Goode & Associates.
     
  13. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

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    The box tasted better.
     
  14. boatme98

    boatme98 New Member

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    To: S. Goode, Esq.

    From: G. T. Cheatham, Esq.

    Private and confidential.


    In strictest confidence, I feel that we can reach a reasonable ooc settlement on behalf of my client, Mr. Bubba and your client, PPH Corp.
    I believe my client will accept a new false tooth to replace the tooth broken while eating your clients product. As it was his only remaining tooth, I think this is only fair.
    God how I hate having lunch with clients. Don't you? Disgusting.

    On the second point, my clients wife accepts your generous offer of full time employment with the understanding that she is entitled to paid time off when she feels it necessary, up to 25 hours per week.
    Also she requests payment in cash as she wishes to maintain her unemployment benefits and EBT card privileges that she has worked so very hard to acquire.

    Lastly, I think we could likely settle on say, 6 months supply of your clients Meal Worm, Maggot, and Weevil package as compensation for the loss of the wee loved one.
    Let's face it, the boy just wasn't right. If he found his mouth with a booger he was having a good day.

    Let's put this case to bed.
    I'll see you at the club Tuesday for 18.

    Sincerely,
    G. T. Cheatham, Esq.
     
  15. yazul42

    yazul42 Active Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Good news txpossum,,, I have arrived at a suitable contract for you in the manner of your meat supply concerns, the Wisconsin Dept. of Highways has made an excellent offer to deliver all the road kill deer, coon, possum, bear, and a myriad of other exotic flavors, to your facilities at a very reasonable gratuity. The above mentioned items will be delivered promptly before any undo bloating and or dryness sets in. I await your correspondence on this in a timely manner since they also have an offer from Nabisko,,,,
     
  16. yazul42

    yazul42 Active Member Lifetime Supporter

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    More good news sir,,, I may have found several outlets for the hardtack but they are mainly interested in your product launch of:" Txpossum's Cavalcade of Jerkys." One of these possible outlets is a large chain, known for their wonderfully stylish clientele and rock bottom pricing.
     
  17. JW357

    JW357 New Member

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    Well, somebodys bored again.
     
  18. Doc3402

    Doc3402 New Member

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    I'm sorta broke right now. Can I interest you in a trade? I've got a 500 gallon tank smack full of dehydrated water I'll trade you for a 1/2 ton pickup fulla hardtack.
     
  19. boatme98

    boatme98 New Member

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    I'll throw in a bucket of steam for a 1/16 lay.
     
  20. orangello

    orangello New Member

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    MMMM-mmmm-MMMM extra protein!


    [snaps fingers] So that is what I was saving all that sorted cat poop for! :D