"Skilled Care facilites".....aka nursing homes.........

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by BeyondTheBox, Oct 16, 2012.

  1. BeyondTheBox

    BeyondTheBox New Member

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    Last edited: Oct 19, 2012
  2. phildenton

    phildenton New Member

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    !im not fond of em either, too many horror stories, far better to make a space in your own home, that's why i said retirement home as a LAST resort. It would be better than her living by herself.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2012

  3. therewolf

    therewolf New Member

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    OKAY, here's a dose of reality:

    Would you kindly fill us in on what you think

    a "retirement home" costs?

    Last I checked, WITHOUT any special services,

    if you go down to the dining room for all your meals,

    a room in one of these places is 60,000 PER YEAR ...
     
  4. phildenton

    phildenton New Member

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    Actually i do, my grandmother wanted to move to one after my grandfather died a couple years ago, instead i moved her in with me. I already stated that i deplore those places, i was simply listing off the choices to the ops question, so kindly get off your high horse and my back. Either add something usefull to the convo or move on.
     
  5. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

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    I researched retirement communities for my "real" mom (my OP is regarding my stepmother) earlier this year and there are some pretty nice and affordable ones around here, from $2500 a month on up from there. If more assistance is needed some of them have increasing care all the way up to nursing and Hospice care (at additional cost). This is in one of the most expensive cost of living areas in the country. My brother ended up taking her in. It has been a learning experience for all of them (my brother has 4 kids ranging from 7 to 16 years old.) Some of the more expensive facilities actually might have been a better fit (I know several residents there, including my Godparents) but that one is a "buy-in" facility where you have to "buy" the apartment, but when the person passes on it is treated as real estate and can be sold by the heirs (they also pay a monthly fee in addition to the "buy in").

    That having been said, I am not considering this for (step)- Mom at this time. She is fully able to care for herself and live on her own. Hopefully that will be the case for the rest of her life. She plans on being here in CA only 1/3 of the year, the other 2/3 will be in Washington and Missouri where she will be living with family in their homes.

    I do appreciate the input, even if it does not necessarily work for our situation.
     
  6. Eturnsdale

    Eturnsdale New Member

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    Im glad to hear that you seem to have it handled.

    If you do end up having to do the retirement home thing, remember, if it is a medicare certified facility, they will pay a portion of the costs.
     
  7. therewolf

    therewolf New Member

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    Sorry, did I point out the sordid fact that it's only an option

    if you have about a half million dollars to throw away?

    As I live and breathe, pardon me. I'm so sick and tired of

    hearing this "Put her in a home." crap, by folks who obviously

    haven't got a clue. My apologies...
     
  8. orangello

    orangello New Member

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    There is also the option to bankrupt her and her estate to con the medicare people into paying for warehousing the wisdom.
     
  9. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

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    OK, I have looked into this option in detail for my mother. We chose for her to move in with my brother instead but in my investigation I met dozens of elderly folks who live in these retirement communities and they would not want to live anywhere else!!!! Some of them (two couples immediately come to mind) said that they had tried living with family and they liked the "home" better. One of them had moved out of the "home" and in with their son and his family just a few miles away. They found that they were spending most all of their time visiting their friends over at the "home, so they moved back to the "home". The other couple had moved out and were still living with family, but were visiting their friends the day that Mom and I were checking out the place. I asked if they were going to move back and they kind of looked at each other and in an embarrassed sort of way said that they didn't want to because their kids they were living with wouldn't understand. They were sacrificing their own happiness for their kids. I suspect that they will one day move back.

    All of these living arrangements were affordable for middle-class retirees and extremely pleasant. Mom could afford to live there for the rest of her life if she wanted to.

    Now, I also have seen the hideous places, the ones where most of the residents are just waiting to die, and wasting away. Those places suck big time. My one grandmother spent her last years bouncing around from one to another. My Dad offered to take her in but she and my aunt were "in charge" and would not accept the offer. I was pretty young then so I didn't know all of the details about it, but I did visit her often and hated seeing here in those places.
     
  10. phildenton

    phildenton New Member

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    As the op has everything figured out can we close this thread.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2012
  11. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member

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    Okay. I have just gone through this recently with my Dad. Recently as in the last 2 months. My Dad had a stroke almost 9 years ago. He had been living at home with a live in caregiver for the last 8 years. My Dad's health finally declined to the point where he could no longer be cared for at home. He could not hold his own weight and stand, he could not get up and down from the toilet seat. Getting him from the house to the doctor was a very difficult and tedious job for both him and the caregiver. It was becoming downright dangerous to keep my Dad home. Since I am his POA we had a serious talk. (My Dad's mental facilities are still very much intact.) He agreed the time had come to be placed in a skilled nursing facility and I did what had to be done. I worked closely with a social worker from the hospital. I chose a couple facilities much closer to me than his home and the social worker helped with the red tape of Medicare and my Dad's supplemental insurance. We finally got him moved to a "nursing home" just minutes away from my home.

    This is where it closely resembles Vikingdad's post above. My Father loves living where he's at. He is very well cared for. They are working extensively with him in physical rehab and the goal is to return my Dad back to his home......and they are sure he will reach that goal. The meals are excellent, the facility is well staffed, he is greeted by name by everyone there he is always clean even though he sometimes has episodes of incontinance. He has made friends and he has learned new activities. We attend a "Progress Meeting" every two weeks and discuss his progress with the nurses, the physical therapist and the social worker. I am free to take him out any time I want for shopping, meals, etc. He has told me he is eager to return home but if he lives the rest of his life where he is at he would be fine with that, too.

    Nursing homes are not what they were 30 years ago. They are very regulated, endure regular inspections. Their inspection results are available to anyone who wants to see how they fare. No longer are they the place where the patients (now called residents) are left lying in their own waste, hungry, cold, sometimes physically abused.

    I challenge anyone to think I did my Father a disservice by removing him from his home where either he or his caregiver was bound to get injured and placing him in a facility that can much better meet his needs. And I highly suspect I am not the only adult child who's elderly parent thanks them for putting them in "a home".
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2012
  12. HOSSFLY

    HOSSFLY New Member

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    I'm sorry- didn't see the "Moderator" in you profile -
    Ya'll best obey :eek:
     
  13. partdeux

    partdeux Well-Known Member

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    {sigh}

    Just went through this with my mom. Got her into an absolutely fabulous assisted living facility... right up until the "enablers" convinced her they would help her at home and helped her move back home. I said at the time she would be dead in 3 months. Want to know how close I called it, I was off by 5 days. And, if she wasn't so damn stubborn, she probably would have passed at least 10 days earlier, meeting my projection. It was an ugly ugly ordeal. I would love to string up the enablers from the nearest tree.
     
  14. Axxe55

    Axxe55 The Apocalypse Is Coming.....

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    sometimes when the elderly get sick are are just not capable of taking care of themselves, someone has to step in and take care of them. now it comes down to choices. some people say they would never put a loved one in a nursing home and would take them into their home. well, sometimes that's not really the best decision, because unless a person has a background in nursing or related field, most of us are ill-equipped to care for that person. i saw this with my grandmother when she developed alzheimer's desease in the last six years of her life. it progressed slowly at first. both my brother and i wanted her to move in with one of us so we could try and take care of her, but she wanted to live on her own. sadly the last two years she was alive, my father had to step in and finally put her in a nursing home. i could tell he had a hard time making that decision, but knew it had to be done as her time was getting shorter and we all knew it. we realized that we were not able to provide the care she would need as we just didn't have the skills and the time available. sometimes people just don't realize how hard a decision this is for family members and the pain it causes putting a loved one in a nursing home. we want to remember our aged loved ones as they were when we were younger and still able to take of themselves and us. the last six months my grandmother was alive, she sometimes would not even remember us. the last time i saw my grandmother alive, it hurt so much to see her in that condition and not recognize me. i couldn't help crying and told my wife that wasn't the woman who use to be my grandmother. the morning my father called and said she had passed away, i was relieved, because she wasn't in pain anymore and she was finally at peace. even though she had passed away that sunday morning, in my mind she had been gone for sometime already. i was glad she wasn't suffering anymore. the final year of her life were horrible, as she not only had alzheimer's, but had been diagnosed with cancer and had fallen and broken her hip, and was to the point she couldn't even walk anymore. she either was in a wheelchair or was in a hospital bed.

    so maybe, some may think it's an easy choice to make to put someone in a nursing home and have someone else take care of them. it's not and easy decision for many to entrust the care of a loved one to strangers, but many of us are just able to do it. the care of an aged and infirmed person is very specialized, labor intensive and very time consuming. i fear most of us will go through this if we live long enough.
     
  15. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

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    Yanno Phil, I think I am the one to make that decision and I think this thread still has plenty of life left in it. I appreciate your concern though, you can unsubscribe from the thread or stick around as you see fit.

    I don't care if Therewolf sticks around or not, but I hope he does as he could learn something here.
     
  16. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

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    You are very fortunate Winds. I know that when my father0in-law was in the hospital and then the nursing home in the last two months of his life I took great comfort in spending time with him. He had declined to the point where he could no longer feed himself and started aspirating food. I went down to the nursing home three times a day to feed him because he wouldn't eat when the people at the facility tried. I would sneak him in a hamburger from his favorite burger place, even though the feeding orders were to puree all of his food. If you took your time and gave him small bites he could eat solid food just fine. And Damn how he liked that! I really do wish that he had been able to recover well enough to be able to die at home, but that was not to be (besides, the out-laws were closer to his house than we are, so that was a problem too)

    Thanks for the link.

    I know your pain somewhat, with my above-mentioned FIL his other daughter (my wife's sister) and her husband were very abusive towards him (and alcoholics) and were the cause of many of his issues. My wife and I took care of him 100%, even though the SIL lived right next door to him and we are 3/4 mile away. At one point they possibly caused him to have a stroke, and the fallout included them threatening my life. yeah, pretty nasty.

    Since he passed (some 5 years ago) we have not spoken to them. Good riddance I say, I'm not gonna waste my life resenting them. I won't give a second thought if harm comes their way, but I won't wish it upon them.

    When people waste away like that there are no winners in the deal. It just plain sucks. My dad was fortunate in that he passed unexpectedly without suffering much. On the other hand my FIL and MIL both died long and lingering deaths. I have seen both sides from the caregiver's standpoint and it is really, really tough. I now have only my Step-Mom and Mom left, Step-Mom is doing pretty well and looks like she will be OK for awhile. Mom is living with my brother's family and she needs a lot of care. That is going to be really tough on all of them as none of them has ever had to deal with caring for an aging person in declining health on a first hand basis before.


    On a related note, a couple of years ago I read an article on a unique approach to caring for Alzheimer's and dementia patients. There was a faciility in Arizona that used this unique approach with great results. Essentially they let people do what they want to, eat chocolate, be up at odd hours, that sort of thing. And the patients thrive under those less stressful conditions. One funny thing they do is they have a bus stop out in front of the facility, but the bus never stops there! its a decoy, so if a patient actually gets outside, they will typically go to the bus stop and wait for the bus. The facility has a camera recording the bus stop, so when they see somebody sitting at on the bench they just go out and bring them back inside. There were several other cool things they did. I'll try and dig up the article.
     
  17. phildenton

    phildenton New Member

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    sorry, wasnt tryin to seem bossy, was supposed to be a question mark not a period.
     
  18. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member

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    This was recently, right? I think nursing homes have come a long way in the last few decades.

    I am always bringing food to my Dad but he is not on a restricted diet. We bring him ice cream Sundaes, caramel apples, potato chips, polish sausage sandwiches, pork chop sandwiches, root beer, etc. They encourage making the patient feel 'at home' because really, that IS their home. The residents are encouraged to go to the dining room to eat because that is 'normal behaviour'. Eating in your bed is not. In my search to find the right place for my Dad, I did not see one nursing home that was terrible.
     
  19. Vikingdad

    Vikingdad New Member

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    My FIL passed on in April of 2007. The place he was in for the last few weeks (he was back and forth in the hospital for the beginning of that) was decent, clean and well staffed. No terrible by any means though. They had "advanced care" where the residents were invalids, but even they would be encouraged to be social and eat in the dining room. It was difficult but not at all a house of horror. I would read to the residents sometimes when my FIL was asleep or being bathed just to pass the time. There were some really neat people there.