Retrosexual movement

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by Troy Michalik, Sep 9, 2010.

  1. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui" or judging who the next top model is. Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual.
    Bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, clang your balls, and yell "ENOUGH!"

    I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

    The RetroSexual Code:

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house, or swap wives on national TV (or any other time for that matter).

    A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. (If you have EVER failed at this dismiss/dispatch yourself post haste)

    A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap(possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)

    A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she isn't worth it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak wood chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

    Crying: There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing, throwing the remote control or visiting the range to kill paper (or clay). Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case) loss of a major body part.

    A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't “Eat, Pray, Love”, "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" or "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey). Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Boondock Saints I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, The Expendables, . . . etc .

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "douchebags" look on his face.

    A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to "The Star Spangled Banner."

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship -- i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, bushcraft.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt. NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.


    Thank you and good day.
     
  2. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    Yup

    (10 characters)
     

  3. orangello

    orangello New Member

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    A few points: IMO, you ain't gotta grill it, long as you can kill it. Red meat is an option of the tastebuds.

    Deep down, i think shrinks are for wussies, but i'm OK with wussies existing, long as they don't talk to me too much about fashion coordination (WTH, I ain't ambidextrous anyway).

    Crying: Rudy, Eight Seconds, Blackhawk down, etc. should be exceptions when watched alone, preferably in the dark and while drunken, as should any scene involving death and the National Anthem.

    Regarding driving in snowstorms; some Retrosexuals have enough sense to stay in the heat where they are from. ;)
     
  4. lonyaeger

    lonyaeger Active Member

    This is very chauvinistic and I refuse to be a part of it.
     
  5. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    Spoken like a true metro











    :D:D
     
  6. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    The loss of these two foundations of the male persona is responsible for more of the decline of this country than just about anything I can think of...
     
  7. Angry_bald_guy

    Angry_bald_guy Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

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    I'm am working towards becoming a Retrosexual. There are still a few things I need to work out. No I won't tell you what they are.
     
  8. robocop10mm

    robocop10mm Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Funny you should mention the movie Eight Seconds. A friend of mine from college Mark Mitchell played Cody Lambert in that movie. He is the short red headed side kick of the lead character played by Luke Perry.

    Mark went to his dad's house after the movie wrapped to take him out for a celebratory dinner. Their car was hit by a train and both were killed. Mark never saw the premiere of his breakout movie.
     
  9. bkt

    bkt New Member

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    Only red meat? What the hell's wrong with duck, goose, pheasant and wild boar?! Not to mention the countless fish just begging to be plucked from the water!
     
  10. lonyaeger

    lonyaeger Active Member

  11. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    It doesn't say "only red meat" it says "not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself"
     
  12. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    SiSSY BOY'

    Lot's of sissyboys today. Thirty years ago my playmates growing up,watched our big brothers fix the car outside. No one go's outside anymore. Tree house's u don't see them anymore. Jesse Jame's monster garage was the last man show ten year's ago. All sissy stuff nowdays. SON'S OF ANARCKY on FX channel is good.
     
  13. IGETEVEN

    IGETEVEN New Member

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    New season starts Tuesday, September 10 @ 2200 hrs on FX. :cool:
     
  14. danf_fl

    danf_fl Retired Supporter

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    Durn, I read it and was looking for "Retrosexual does not own polymer". :)
     
  15. BunnyWabbit

    BunnyWabbit New Member

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    I don't want to be with a man who can pick out better shoes than I can.:rolleyes:
     
  16. M14sRock

    M14sRock Active Member

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    Dan, what is says is, "Retrosexuals are comfortable carrying polymer, and not threatened by the opinions of others."

     
  17. Joshua M. Smith

    Joshua M. Smith New Member

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    You know, I see the males who break the rules listed in the first post get the women. I never understood that.

    I've had women break up with me because I "refused to show my emotions" or I broke up with them because I refused to deal with their drama that they made.

    Josh
     
  18. danf_fl

    danf_fl Retired Supporter

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    Missed it, sorry. Glasses were a little dirty.
     
  19. 2hot2handle

    2hot2handle New Member

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    I think my balls just gotta little bigger just from reading that list
     
  20. Angry_bald_guy

    Angry_bald_guy Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Unfortunately, it's not your balls that need the size increase... :D