Puns for educated minds.

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by skullcrusher, Apr 16, 2011.

  1. skullcrusher

    skullcrusher New Member

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    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math distruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown inot a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Atheism in a non-prophet organization.

    11. Time flies like an arrow; friut flies like a banana.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I will go on a head."

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

    15. The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived the mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam."

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novacain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication.

    26. There was once a person who told ten puns to friends with the hope of at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
     
  2. General_lee

    General_lee New Member

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  3. Gatekeeper

    Gatekeeper New Member

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  4. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

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    LOL, thanks for the laugh :D
     
  5. dnthmn2004

    dnthmn2004 New Member

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  6. Shihan

    Shihan Active Member Lifetime Supporter

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    I don't get them.;)
     
  7. ViNoM

    ViNoM New Member

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    OMG! ROTFLMAO! I love puns. I haven't had a good laugh like that in a while. Skullcrusher you are most intelligent indeed. Thanks for the humor.
     
  8. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

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    Well, being in Denver, I am sure you heard about the researcher at Univ of Co, who experimented with cloning. Matter of fact, cloned himself. Regrettably, his clone had the unfortunate habit of habitually using severe profanity whenever he spoke.

    Finally, in despair, the researcher invited his clone out for a picnic in the Rockies, where he pushed him off a cliff.






    Thus making the first obscene clone fall.
     
  9. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

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    Good stuff.

    I'll have a Ham on Wry. ;)
     
  10. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member

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    Thanks. Those were great!!
     
  11. TXnorton

    TXnorton New Member

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    Thumbs Up! Those are great!
     
  12. AusLach

    AusLach Active Member

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    I used to be bi-polar, but we're alright now.. :D
     
  13. oneshot

    oneshot New Member

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    I see you and raise you one

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



    If vegetarians eat vegtables what do humanitarians eat?
     
  14. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member

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    If corn oil is made of corn, and olive oil is made from olives......what is baby oil made of?
     
  15. dunerunner

    dunerunner New Member

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    Somehow, I feel I've been punished!!
     
  16. Poink88

    Poink88 New Member

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    From the same group... :D

    2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

    8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
     
  17. Gator45

    Gator45 New Member

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    When the first telephone rang it was Alexander Graham's bell.