On the lighter side

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by cbw, Oct 8, 2008.

  1. cbw

    cbw New Member

    A Gun in the House

    The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

    As John Steinbeck once said:

    1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

    2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

    3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

    4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

    5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

    6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

    7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

    8. Beware the man who only has one gun.


    But wait, there's more!

    I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.

    She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it's loaded, it can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I'm not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers, and they're all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

    I'm a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment!

    This came to me by way of email mail and i thought some of you may get a kick out of it.

  2. Angeleyes

    Angeleyes New Member


  3. cbw

    cbw New Member

    Thanx, I'am not looking to fill the site with funny's, but when one of finds some gun humor I think we could all us a laugh!

  4. Mark F

    Mark F Active Member Supporter

    Never take a knife to a gun fight.
  5. cbw

    cbw New Member

    Rules of a Gunfight (humorous, but serious)

    0. Avoid them like the plague
    a) Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition
    b) Have a plan or two (...if not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.)
    Corollary: No plan survives contact with the enemy.
    1. Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife)
    a) Bring a gun, even if you are going to knife fight.
    2. Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support)*
    a) Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you.*
    3. Make use of available cover
    a) Remember the difference between concealment and cover.
    b) Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage).
    4. Place your shots well
    a) Pay attention to where your shots fall
    b) "Speed's fine, but accuracy is final"
    c) Don't miss (You can't miss fast enough to win).
    5. a) If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first
    b) If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first.
    6. Bring the biggest gun you can handle
    7. Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.
    8. a) A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
    b) If you're bleeding to death, say something witty.
    c) If you're actually dying, say something deep.
    9. Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.
    a) Bring lots of ammo.
    10. In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high.
    Be aware of this and aim low.
    11. a) Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!
    b) Never quit, period.
    c) There is no prize for second place
    12. There's no such thing as "unfair advantage"
    13. He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best
    strategy is being somewhere else).
    14. It is better to give than receive. (Just like Christmas)
    15. Unlike _Jeopardy_, it's more fun to watch than to play along.
    16. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
    17. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
    18. If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to "Count Off!"
    before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.
    19. When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow.
    20. Say nothing after wards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd
    like to speak with my attorney."
    21. Drop the one with the shotgun first.
    22. Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any video of your non-evil-looking equipment. Fuzzy rifle-wrap
    works best.
  6. cbw

    cbw New Member

    You may be a terrorist if....

    1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

    2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

    3. You have more wives than teeth.

    4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.

    5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

    6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

    7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

    8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

    9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.

    10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
    least one.

    11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

    12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat
  7. cbw

    cbw New Member

    No Speakah De English


    A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
    the lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
    is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
    'Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more! .
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time.'

    The lady can't take this any more,

    'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
    'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

    'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
    'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa
    tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '.'

    $5.00 says you're gonna read this again :D
  8. iloveguns

    iloveguns Guest

    cbw. Those were all good. Thanks for the laughs this AM.:D
  9. cbw

    cbw New Member

    Glad someones is liking them!

  10. hillbilly68

    hillbilly68 New Member

    Guilty! Tried to send your five through paypal but it didnt go. Sorry:D
  11. cbw

    cbw New Member

    Yeah I read that one a couple times myself!!!