Let's Lie on Our Resume!

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by TWMIM, Sep 8, 2012.

  1. TWMIM

    TWMIM New Member

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    You've been unemployed since 2009. You can't look at another Cup-O-Soup without wretching.

    You decide to take the plunge.

    You figure, "Even if they find me out and fire me, at least I got a couple of paychecks in."

    So the format goes like this:

    I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

    Then I____________________.

    Go!
     
  2. TWMIM

    TWMIM New Member

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    So an example is this:

    I worked at ACME Corp, until 2009, I was laid off due to economy cuts.

    I then traveled to the Hunan province in China, where I spent the next 3 years as a Shaolin Monk.



    I don't care who the HR is, they're thinking, "Shaolin Monk, that's awesome, and a religious diversity hire."
     

  3. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    Utilized a contact from college and got on board with "Doctors without Borders" where I was able to go to Africa.

    While there I decided my previous work in the field of "Shipping and Receiving Management" was pointless and didn't really challenge me, or reward me, with a sense of purpose.

    While in a small village in upper Nigeria I met Dr. Jennifer Pilson, a brilliant and beautiful, Doctor who specialized in viral transmission and acceptance in a host body.

    Together, through extensive study and a torrid love affair with study and each other, we developed an antibody that not only can help the body fight off the initial exposure to the AIDS virus, but actually can help reverse the damage done to the white and red blood cells along with immune system.

    We were beyond thrilled, but neither of us had any experience in patents, so we hired the first lawyer in the book who had "patents" as a "specialty".

    To make a long story short he scammed us, took the patent for himself and that is why he has a Nobel Prize and I, good sir, am asking you for a job...
     
  4. partdeux

    partdeux Well-Known Member

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    Invented an auto engine that gets 250mpg, and produces vodka as a by product. Oil company executives stole the design and the government warned they would kill my family if I ever talked about the design again.
     
  5. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

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    I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

    Then I decided to build myself a Viking sail boat. Once completed I went down to the local orphanage and adopted 18 of the sexiest Russian girls you ever laid eyes on. We then set sail from Cape Bauld Newfoundland and intended to sail south along the eastern seaboard making landfall as supplies were needed. When we reached Cape Cod that is when the fun began ...

    We made straight for Aunt Lydias cove, taking down a few schooners with wild fire as we made landfall. In the panic the towns people came rushing to us and offered us loot and plunder to slake our desires. As par of our accord they conceded to allow us to return once a year to do as we please :D

    We then set sail for the Jersey Shore ... never making landfall we raked the entire coast of Jersey with our wild fire. Our hope was to eradicate all the Guidos and Guidettes from existence :mad:

    After that we headed to the Outer Banks and partied and drank for a month! :D

    Next up was Miami ... we skulked into port in the dead of night. But much to my dismay the girls went awol to attend the AVA awards and get studio contracts :eek:


    So that's what brings me here ..... looking for a job as head grocery bagger. My experience shows that I can lead a team and handle stressful situations :D
     
  6. NitroxAZ

    NitroxAZ New Member

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    Thread killer right there. Just sayin'. Nobel Peace Prize worthy to boot.
     
  7. danf_fl

    danf_fl Retired Supporter

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    I was on Obama's advisory council on how to address the issue of firearms.
    I was so successful, that Obama has been nominated as the best firearms salesman of the year for 2012.
     
  8. Jpyle

    Jpyle New Member

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    I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

    Then I taught myself quantum physics and nuclear engineering. As part of my research I designed and built a miniature power plant, about the size of a sugar cube, capable of producing 2,000,000,000,000 gigawatts. Unfortunately, a design flaw in the shielding produced a worm hole in my family room and the entire device and my new 55" flat screen were transported to the future. Hopefully, it only went forward a few months or years, so if possible I would prefer a temporary position.
     
  9. ineverFTF

    ineverFTF New Member

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    Keep twmim away!!
    He will set it on fire and you will all die horribly. I on the other hand, love boating, and would make an excellent cook, or 1st mate as needed :D
     
  10. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

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    Deciding to devote the available time to my studies of marine wildlife, I spent the next 18 months in the creation of an electronic translator program that would enable humans and dolphins to talk directly with each other. However, the program contained an unexpected flaw, translating Dolphin into Ebonics. All messages from the dolphins seem to include a statement about "yo mama", and the program has been placed on hold for the present.

    At that time I was contacted by former associates from the US Army, artillery branch. They were seeking assistance in researching the Man Howitzer. This project sought to provide rapid battlefield deployment of Infantry soldiers by launching them from a special cannon. After six months, I left the program, feeling that we would never find men of that caliber.

    In April of that year, while having lunch with the Dalai Lama, he mentioned that his good friend, notdku, was having problems with a struggling website. The discussions that the site was intended to foster were being drowned by strife and discord, along with a few trolls. Notdku immediately offered me a position as a moderator on his site.

    The work has been very fulfilling, but there have been unresolved issues with the group. The staff at the bank continue to burst into gales of laughter whenever I enter the bank with one of the paychecks, and the Moderator's lounge was confiscated by the city (They claimed it was THEIR garbage truck, and they could take it where they wanted to)

    In July of this year, our annual Moderator's Outing was planned for a 3 hour cruise aboard the USS Monica Lewinsky, one of the newest sightseeing subs to be placed in service. However, due to an oversight by a member of the crew (Gecko 45), a set of body armor trauma plates prevented the water tight door from sealing, resulting in the loss of the vessel, and all our firearms.

    At this time I am gathering resources and engaging in training to enter the Mount Everest bike race in 2014, and am seeking employment in the field of quantum physics, immunohematology, clinical parapsychology, or porta potty sanitation and service.
     
  11. Yunus

    Yunus New Member

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    I patented the concept of "hiring an employee". While this may seem irrelevant to your company, I ask you to look at other recent patents and copyrights, such as the company that recently patented red shoe soles and how Apple patented a rectangular phone. In short, I challenge you not to hire me as it will be more lucrative to me should you decide to litigate this situation instead of paying me not to sue you.

    Sincerely,
    The problem with today's workforce
     
  12. TWMIM

    TWMIM New Member

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    You guys are on frikken FIRE!!!!:D
     
  13. Chainfire

    Chainfire Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Or you could do actually something that you would think would impress your prospective employeer. Threre are a lot of good causes that can use help. Then you could proudly finish your resume truthfully.
     
  14. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

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    I'm sorry, this is the fun sandbox :p


    why don't you go over to that other sandbox ... the one with the cat pee in it ;)
     
  15. ineverFTF

    ineverFTF New Member

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    Why do you think he is so grumpy?? He has been there for years :p
     
  16. TWMIM

    TWMIM New Member

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    You know, it's far too early to be despondent.
     

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  17. TWMIM

    TWMIM New Member

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    No, no, he's right.

    I'm gonna go volunteer for the Romney campaign right now.
     
  18. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

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    I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

    At first I didn't feel anything at all and I decided to just enjoy my time off. :D But after a few months I began to realize that I did not have enough savings to not work. I mean like most folks my retirement savings was wiped out by the Financial Collapse of 08'. So I began to look for new employment. This was easy enough as I just refreshed my resume and sent it out to those employers who were looking for someone with my qualifications.

    But the responses dismayed me as any employer who responded expected me to take an enormous pay cut, up to 30% of my previous salary :confused: I couldn't understand it ... the cost of living hadn't gone down, the cost of food had actually gone up dramatically, fuel had gone up nearly twofold, medical insurance and expenses went through the roof. :eek: I just couldn't justify taking a position for such a drastically reduced compensation :(

    Then I started applying for positions I was obviously overqualified for. To my dismay I was being rejected out right, not even given the courtesy of a rejection email ... not even a phone call to say thanks but no thanks. :( One company that responded and asked for me to come in for an interview called me the morning of and told me not to bother, they had hired someone already ... over a holiday weekend. :mad:

    Now I was really dismayed - nobody would offer me a compensation package near what I was worth, I couldn't find employment in the field I was extremely qualified to work in, employers were looking for someone to work for practically minimum wage in a professional field! :mad: I was struggling to just get by and put food on the table :(

    Then I got the idea that it was the banking industries fault by collapsing the economy. Thus I gained a clear perspective of what I needed to do. So here I sit in BofA's corporate headquarters located in Charlotte NC talking with you Ms Human Resources. Contained in my briefcase is a homebrew WMD that activates when contacted with fire and powerful enough to level the building ;)


    May I borrow a match? :cool:
     
  19. ineverFTF

    ineverFTF New Member

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    TWMIM probably still has a few in that box he taped to his head.
     
  20. TWMIM

    TWMIM New Member

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    Alright already!!!!!!!:eek: