Jokes we've all seen before.......And Laughed!

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by dunerunner, Apr 6, 2011.

  1. dunerunner

    dunerunner New Member

    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

    Marry It!

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

    A battery has a positive side.

    Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

    Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

    How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

    Put a nipple on it.

    Why do women fake orgasms ?

    Because they think men care.

    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

    Nothing, she's been told twice already.

    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

    Made her chain too long

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?

    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    Why do men pass gas more than women?

    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    Why do men die before their wives?

    They want to.
  2. JonM

    JonM Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

    i laughed again LOL!!

  3. mesinge2

    mesinge2 New Member

    My favorite
  4. soldierman79

    soldierman79 New Member

    What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

    A quick learner. :D
  5. CourtJester

    CourtJester Well-Known Member

    Even my wife laughed at those.
    Pretty comical.
  6. Eric0424

    Eric0424 New Member

    May or may not be a joke, but a friend of mine just sent me this e-mail titled "Actual ad from Craig(s)list." A little long, but worth the read.

  7. doctherock

    doctherock New Member

    Man I do love some good jokes, I needed the laughs.
  8. ViNoM

    ViNoM New Member

    Oo oo, I want to play ;)

    <------I'm a smart ars too.

    Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
    A. Trustworthy.

    Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
    A. His body.

    Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
    A. A woman to show him how to work it.

    Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
    A. Telling you his real name.

    Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
    A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

    Q. Why do men name their penises?
    A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

    Q. When do you care for a man's company?
    A. When he owns it.
  9. dunerunner

    dunerunner New Member

    My Favorite!!

    The correct answer is "A woman to find the instruction book!"

    Well Done!!
  10. ViNoM

    ViNoM New Member

    good to know everyone has a sense of humor 'round here :D
  11. spittinfire

    spittinfire Active Member Supporter

    I will most certainly add to this.

    Why do men die first?
    This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now
    we know... It requires a bit of explanation, first:
    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ..... you're a male chauvinist.
    If you stay home and do the housework .... you're a pansy.
    If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy *** and find something better.
    If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity .
    If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet .... its male indifference.
    If you cry ... you're a wimp.
    If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard.
    If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
    If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.
    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a pervert.
    If you don't ... you're gay.
    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
    If you don't ... you're unromantic.
    If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain.
    If you don't ... you're a slob.
    If you buy her flowers .... you're after something.
    If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
    If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
    If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
    If she has a headache ... she's tired.
    If you have a headache .... you don't love her anymore.
    If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
    If you don't ... there must be someone else.
    Why do men die first?

    Because they want to.
  12. USNWO

    USNWO New Member

    Do you know why 90% of all instruction manuals are pictures? Because the manufacturers know its probably gonna be a man putting together whatever it is. And we ALL know men don't read. We look at the pictures! Hell, even training manuals are mostly pictures.
  13. mesinge2

    mesinge2 New Member

    absolutely qfmft
  14. danf_fl

    danf_fl Retired Supporter

    Aristrocrats! (oops, wrong thread)
  15. Benning Boy

    Benning Boy New Member

    Well done. I think you'll do just fine here...;)