Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by matt g, May 7, 2009.

  1. matt g

    matt g New Member Supporter

    3,865
    0
    0
    Keep 'em clean. Here's one to get us started:

    One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

    The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
     
  2. gregs887

    gregs887 New Member

    1,534
    0
    0
    How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

    Wave at him

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?

    Matt


    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

    Art


    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the side of a mountain?

    Cliff


    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

    Bob


    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hiding in the bushes?

    Russel
     

  3. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

    8,176
    2
    0
    So there's these 2 muffins in the oven,

    the first muffin says the the second muffin - "man, it is hot in hear"

    the second muffin says - "HOLY ****, a talking muffin"


    :D
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2009
  4. gregs887

    gregs887 New Member

    1,534
    0
    0
    A man walks into a bar...the second man ducked.

    Tip your waitress and try the veal! I'm here all week!
     
  5. mwsfarm

    mwsfarm New Member

    76
    0
    0
    how do you get out of an elephant's stomach?

    run around till you get pooped out.
     
  6. Ubergopher

    Ubergopher New Member

    1,210
    0
    0
    What do you call a man with no arms, no legs flying over a fence?

    Homer.
     
  7. dragunovsks

    dragunovsks New Member

    2,310
    0
    0
    A Hoosier and a Kentuckian are walking together across the Sahara when they come across a lamp. They rub it and "poof", out pops a genie.

    "I'll grant you each ONE wish!" says the genie.

    The Hoosier says, "Ahhhh, I got a good one. I wish for a glass of water that automatically refills itself." Magically, the glass of water appears in the Hoosiers hand.

    Next the Kentuckian thinks to himself, "That Indiana boy thinks he's so smart, wishing for that glass of water. I'll outsmart him." He says, "Hey genie I want a truck door!"

    Bewildered, the genie grants his wish and an old pickup truck door appears next to him in the sand. The genie laughs and disappears.

    The Hoosier asks, "Dude, why in the hell did you ask for a truck door?"

    The Kentuckian says, "Duh, if it gets hot, I can roll down the window!":)
     
  8. Gojubrian

    Gojubrian New Member

    6,262
    5
    0
    What do you call a man with no arms,no legs water skiing?

    Skip

    What do you call a man with no arms,no legs lying in a pile of leaves?

    Russel

    What do you call a woman with just one leg?

    Ilene

    A chinese woman with one leg?

    Irene

    :p
     
  9. AcidFlashGordon

    AcidFlashGordon New Member

    1,657
    0
    0
    And then the fight started....

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
    torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
    undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started...

    --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And then the fight started....
    ------------ --------- --------- ---------

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started....
    ------------ --------- --------- ---------

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!! ". So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

    And then the fight started....
     
  10. robocop10mm

    robocop10mm Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

    11,380
    2
    0
    Had to revive this to post one.

    JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

    A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

    The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

    The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

    The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

    The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
    kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
    and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips
    out the door.

    Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

    The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting full disability."
     
  11. zhuk

    zhuk New Member

    2,031
    0
    0
    THE WALL


    Three men - a farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all walking together one day.

    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

    'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

    The American says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America. '

    POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in the United States was forever fertile for farming.

    Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels can come into our precious land.'

    POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

    The Marine says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

    The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
    it's completely impenetrable.'

    The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

    'Fill it with water.'
     
  12. spittinfire

    spittinfire New Member Supporter

    9,663
    4
    0
    A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
    assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of
    the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of
    the ACLU.


    One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
    the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you
    to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
    The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
    went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still
    waiting."

    It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his
    chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
    knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine
    went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
    The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on
    in silence.

    The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
    Marine
    and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
    do that?"

    The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
    America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap,
    so, He sent me."
     
  13. AusLach

    AusLach New Member

    1,553
    0
    0
    What's the definition of suspicion?

















    When your hotdog has veins.
     
  14. opaww

    opaww New Member

    4,868
    0
    0
    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

    The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"

    The man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand: nothing. So, I tried with my left hand: nothing. My wife tried with her right hand: nothing. Her left hand: nothing. Her mouth: nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth. . .still nothing."

    "Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!"

    "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
     
  15. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

    2,455
    1
    0
    Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?







    Fo drizzle!
     
  16. Jpyle

    Jpyle New Member

    4,828
    0
    0
    A women with a wooden leg?

    Peg

    A guy that falls in a vat of acid?

    Stew
     
  17. opaww

    opaww New Member

    4,868
    0
    0
    The Moral of The Story

    A teacher was trying to get her class to understand the concept of stories with life lessons in them. She sent the kids home and asked them to come back at the end of the week with a story that had a moral.

    On Friday, she asked them to tell their stories.

    First, little Sally stood up. She said, "My family owns a farm. On our farm we raise chickens. This week we had 24 eggs that were supposed to hatch and grow to be chickens that we could sell. But, only 12 of them hatched and we won't be able to make as much money."

    The teacher asked, "What's the moral of the story?"

    Sally said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

    The Teacher commended her and asked Bobby to tell his story.

    Bobby said, "Our family also raises chickens. But, we sell the eggs at market. This week our chickens laid 48 eggs for us and we were going to sell them. We loaded them all up, but the driver took a turn too fast and spilled all of them on the road and they broke. Now, we won't have any to sell."

    The teacher asked, "What's the moral of the story?"

    Bobby said, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

    The teacher commended him and began looking for another student with a story. Johnny was practically dancing in his seat with his arm raised high. The teacher said, 'Go ahead Johnny. Tell us your story."

    Johnny said, "My uncle is in the 101st Airborne Division in the Middle East. One day, he parachuted into Iraq with his M-16, a Machete, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's. He drank the whole bottle on the way to the jump zone, but got seperated from his company after jumping. When he landed, he found himself surrounded by 70 Iraqi soldiers. He shot 30 of them before he ran out of ammo. Then, he killed another 30 with the Machete before the handle broke. he killed the last 10 with his bare hands just before his unit found him."

    The teacher asked, "What's the moral of the story?"

    Johnny said, "The moral of the story is; Don't **** with my Uncle when he's been drinkin'."
     
  18. skullcrusher

    skullcrusher New Member

    10,888
    1
    0
    An over-the-road truck driver stops into a brothel. He asks the madam for the fattest and ugliest woman on the payroll.

    "We have only beautiful women here, sir." Repled the Madam.

    "You did not hear me. I want the fattest, ugliest woman here." Demanded the truck driver.

    "I'm sure you will enjoy one of our beautiful women more." Encouraged the Madam.

    The truck driver came clean. "Look, lady. I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
     
  19. robocop10mm

    robocop10mm Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

    11,380
    2
    0
    I'm so happy I resurrected the thread.
     
  20. TheDaggle

    TheDaggle Member

    977
    0
    16
    Very Clean: A guy walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk behind the counter "I need a two by four"
    The clerk says "How long do you want it?"
    The guy says "Well, I'd like to keep it."

    What do you call a cow with short left legs? Lean beef.

    Less Clean: How do you circumsize a West Virginian?
    Kick his sister in the chin.

    Why is it so hard to solve a murder in West Virginia?
    There are no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.