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Discussion in 'The Club House' started by nwrednk, Sep 11, 2010.
Yes, there actually is such a device, but here is the real one...
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dl1Ba6U6Eo&feature=player_embedded"]Real Safe Saw[/ame]
This one's for "Gello
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees t-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?""
Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go down to California and get another one?"
You might be a redneck if...
You've deliberately killed a bug with a bottle rocket. (That would involve a
very good aim or giving a spider in a net a "wild ride")!
Dubya, the Queen & Vlad
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
PSA from the TSA
PSA from the TSA
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "give me a jack and...........coke".
The bartender says "what's up with the big pause?"
The bear replies "I've had them all my life".
An attractive man is jogging down the beach when he runs past a girl in a wheel chair, and she starts crying. The man stops and asked the girl what's wrong, she says "I'm 18, paralyzed, and never been hugged by a guy before." The guys smiles and hugs the girl and then continues to jog off. Again the girl starts crying only louder, the man turns around and asked what's wrong, she replies "I'm paralized at 18 years old and never been kissed before." The man rolls his eyes and kisses her on the cheek and runs off. The girls starts wailing this time, crying uncontrollably, and the man turns around and askes what wrong, she replies through sobs "I'm paralyzed at 18 and I've never been screwed by a guy." The man shakes his head and picks the girl up and carries her near the water, and tosses her in, and says "You're screwed now".
Two rednecks are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get the hell out."
lmao! That sounds like the kind of luck I have been experiencing lately! Thanks for the
"belly laugh"!!! (thumbup)!!!
Today is kind of lame...
But, you only notice when the "check engine light is out"! (Like Homer
Simpson) by placing a piece of duct tape over the light! (The most common
reason for this in older cars is a bad oxygen sensor like mine after 18 yrs
when replaced with a new one cured the problem)!
It's cold today
I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Sorry - this was too funny not to pass on to you. Especially since I use to actually live in North Dakota near the Canadian border.
Aliens and the gas station
Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never screw with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Is sex work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent ...
God Bless the enlisted man.
I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
a little boy was in walmart when someone caught his attention .... is there somethin on your mind son? asked the man . are you a real cowboy? asked the boy. yep...why do you ask? is my hat? my bandana? my vest ?...no replied the boy ...why are you wearing high top air jordans instead of boots? the cowboy replied : so people wont confuse me with a truck driver!
You might be a redneck if...
You need both hands to flush the toilet! Well, if you forget to leave a faucet
running you might have the same problem when the temperature goes "sub-zero"! And have to flush the toilet with water brought in from the yard
hydrant! An outhouse starts to sound like a very good option @
You might be a redneck if...
Vehicles that enter your yard rarely leave!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”