Joke Forum?

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by nwrednk, Sep 11, 2010.

  1. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    How did the blonde prepare for safe sex??...she installed a padded headboard.... Why did god create blondes??....Because pets can't bring beer from the fridge....:D:):D
     
  2. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    You might be a redneck if...

    You've never bought a car you could drive home! Well, "only once so far in
    my case"! I towed home a 1991 Toyota Camry "parts car" that I purchased
    for $300. when I started to restore my 1990 Camry! (I got more than $300
    bucks worth out of it when the project was completed, & then towed it to
    the junkyard to earn $125 for a "redneck payday"!):D
     

  3. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    Well, this isn't really a joke but a funny story from work. The comment "I don't think he's coming....." from the Freudian Slip thread reminded me of this.


    Because of the nature of my work, all refrigerators have temperature sensitive probes in them that alarm if the refrigerator temp gets above or below a certain point. Part of the routine maintenance is to test those probes once a month to be sure they are alarming at the proper temps. So I'm up on a step stool testing this temp alarm probe. For the warm alarm I gently touch it with a gloved hand to get the temp to slowly rise, all the while staring intently at the display so I can get the exact temp when it begins to alarm. After that, I dab the probe in and out of a cup of ice water to lower the temp. I was jabbing this probe in and out of a cup of water and doing it quickly so the temp would drop slowly. A co-worker walks by, stops to watch for a second or two then comes over to me and says "Try talking dirty to it". :eek:
     
  4. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Been there done that!

    Winds of change! In my hvac days, I had to do a yearly test of all systems
    for a local rest home! (A bunch of bored seniours are a lot like little kids)
    following every move you make!:rolleyes:
     
  5. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    What does the word METEOROLOGIST mean in english??...It means Lier...What is the new cuban national anthem??...Row...Row...Row your boat.....How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car???..depends on how big your ashtry is.....What do you call three hippies having a yard sale??...Dealers.....:D:):D
     
  6. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    The blonde mortician

    A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
    To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

    'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'So I just switched the heads.'
     
  7. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    It's Hell to be old

    OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

    An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

    The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
    previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
    then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
    her knees, but still nothing.....'

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
     
  8. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Young Love

    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.


    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

    Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
     
  9. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Ethel & Margaret

    Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
    She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
    Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
    Judy again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
    Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
    He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
    "Lord, they are finally together.."
    "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
    Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel....."
     
  10. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Screwed?

    A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

    "I see," the captain says.

    "Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
     
  11. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Doctors and Guns

    DOCTORS vs. GUN OWNERS

    Doctors

    (A) The number of physicians in the USA is 700,000.

    (B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

    (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Now think about this:

    Guns

    (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

    (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

    Statistics courtesy of FBI

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT almost everyone has at least one doctor.

    This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

    We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on

    lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
     
  12. oneshot

    oneshot New Member

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    A clean joke you can tell the kids

    A police man pulled a pickup truck over for speeding. when he approached the truck he noticed there was penguine in the bed. The officer asked the driver if thet were his the man replies no. Will then your going to have to take them to the zoo.

    The next day the policeman pulles the same truck over for sp[eeding again this time he see's the penguines wearing sun glasses. so he tell the driver I thought I told you to take these penguine to the zoo? The driver replies I did and we had so much fun that I'm taking them to the beach today.
     
  13. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    My neighbors...

    My neighbors,The two cute,young,Lesbians who live next door,asked me what I would like for X-MAS???...I was quite surprised,when they gave me a Timex!! It was very nice of them,but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me,when I said I wanna watch!!!...:D:D:D
     
  14. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Aahemmm...

    YOU PERV!!!:rolleyes::D
     
  15. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    GUILTY..as Charged.............:D:D:D
     
  16. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    yOU MIGHT BE A redneck if...

    All you can eat buffets fear your family! :D
     
  17. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    Redneck- flashback! We had picked up 225 Army Basic Trainees from Ft Campbell, and were taking them to Ft Benning for the Infantry training. Army issued what were known as "meal warrants"- certain businesses signed on to feed miltary in transit, they get reimbursed set amount per head. We rolled in (6 chartered buses) to one of the "all you can eat" cafeteria chains. These kids had 8 weeks of Army life behind them, fat had been trimmed away, they were polite but ravenous. I have never seen a Biblical "plague of locusts", but imagine it was very similar. When we departed, they closed.Literally. There was NO food left. None. ;)
     
  18. Greebo

    Greebo New Member

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    A guy cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. *Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit..

    "Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. *Are you carrying today?"

    "Yes, I am."

    "Well then, better tell me what you got."

    Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. *And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

    "Okay," the cop says. *"Anything else?"

    "Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. *That's about it."

    "Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

    "Nope."

    "Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

    "Not a damn thing..."
     
  19. BIGBEN

    BIGBEN New Member

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    A black boy and his siter went trick-or-treating.Naked.The first person they saw said "Why in the world dont you have any clothes on?" Their reply? "Were trick or treatng.Were Hersheys bars.One with nuts,one without!"
     
  20. Gordo323

    Gordo323 New Member

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    I'm sure this has been posted somewhere, but the chimps are funny!
    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE&feature=related]YouTube - Penguin Joke[/ame]