Joke Forum?

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by nwrednk, Sep 11, 2010.

  1. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Thanks to Jeff Foxworthery...

    You might be a redneck if... "No one in your gun club has all their fingers"!
    :rolleyes:
     
  2. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    why do blondes wear earmuffs/...to avoid the draft...why are there no ice cubes in the blondes freezer/...she forgot the recipe.....Must Be a Redneck If....you and your spouse devorced and you are still relatives.....You take a beer to a job interview....You put copenhagen sprinkles on your ice cream cone....
     

  3. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Thanks to Jeff Foxwurthey...

    You might be a redneck if... "Making your bed disturbs at least 3 animals"!!!:D
    (I had 3 pets @ one time, but one of them was a bird)! Two dogs at a time is
    enough! The bird I had was a cockateil that lived as long as my last beagle
    & both of them lived about 16.5 years! Jethro comes from a family of beagles
    that live neary 20 yrs, & Goober might have done so if he were not soo
    strong a chewer! "He, ground his teeth down to the gums"!!!:rolleyes::eek:
     
  4. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    A texas traffic stop.......

    A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign,and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his drivers license,insurance card,plus his ccw concealed carry permit. OK Mr smith the cop says,I see your ccw permit.are you carrying today??...Yes I am Well then you better tell me what you got??...Mr smith says,I got a 357 revolver in my coat pocket,9mmsemi-outo in the glove -box,22 derringer in my boot,and an ar-15 and a shotgun in the trunk,that's about it...Mr smith are you on your way to or from the range??. NOPE...Well then,what are you afraid of??....''NOT A F#CKING THING''...
     
  5. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Santa...

    To Hell with Santa...If he's such a big shot,how come he has to work at Macy's???..:)
     
  6. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    New-york...new-york...

    Spicing up the new-york city marathon..They should make it more interesting-turn it into the new-york triathion,start in the South Bronx at around midnight...That I'd watch...
     
  7. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Florida...

    Florida has so many strip clubs,They need to change their state flag to just a brass pole...
     
  8. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Ditto Longhair!

    Well, I never had that experience in a traffic stop... other than being set free
    very quickly, But, I HAVE been given a "thumbs-up" by "leo's" when they saw
    what was in my gunrack!!!:D
     
  9. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Redneck...

    YOUR A REDNECK IF...Your the only dad keeping his kid home from school to teach him how to get to the next level on the video game...
     
  10. IDVague

    IDVague Member

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    Only in Texas

    Buck was a rootin'-tootin' cowboy from Texas. He was 5'-1" tall and weighed 95 pounds including his .45 Colt on his hip.

    One day Buck went into a saloon and ordered a bottle of whiskey and a glass. He threw the glass up in the air and shot it with his Colt. Then he started drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. He took a slug and said, "Nobody messes with Buck, and I'm Buck, dammit!". Then he took another slug and said, "I'm more man than any sonofabitch in Texas, and any sonofabitch not from Texas is a panty-waste!". This went on with every swallow until the bottle was empty and then he shot the bottle and headed outside.

    Two minutes later, he busts back in and the doors fly off the hinges. He looks around and says, "Alright, who is the low-down sorry sonofabitch that painted my horse's balls pink?"

    Everybody gets deadly quiet and finally another cowpoke gets up from his chair and slowly walks over to Buck. When he gets boot-to-boot with him, Buck's nose is barely above the big man's belt. He's 6'-10" tall and 325 pounds and looks meaner and ornerier than a Brahma bull.

    The big man says, "I painted 'em, you got anything to say about it?" Buck looks him straight in the eye and says, "First coat's dry".
     
  11. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Btw, when I was driving down I-90...

    Between Post Falls & Coeur d Alene...A bus full of Japanese tourists that I
    passed "must have nearly worn-out their cameras as I had 2 of my long-
    guns in the gunrack"! :D
     
  12. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Did you hear Michael Vick has a new shoe endorsment?...HusH Puppies....Atlanta's Humane Society is accepting Vick jerseys for dog kennels flooring...
     
  13. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?...He heard the snowblower coming...
     
  14. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Saying goodbye to Mother

    You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

    'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

    'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her *** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

    Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'

    The cab driver hit a parked car.
     
  15. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    A Christmas story

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Not a lot of people know this.
     
  16. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Marine on the train

    The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so
    rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window.
     
  17. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Groundhog update

    It appears that both the State of the Union address and Groundhog's Day will occur on the same day in the coming year.

    Two interesting, although relatively meaningless, traditions. One involves people looking to a creature of limited intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.



    =
     
  18. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Irish Tradition

    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****
     
  19. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Chinese sick leave

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
    work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache
    and legs hurt, I no come work.'

    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
    really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go
    to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes
    everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
    say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.
     
  20. Daoust_Nat

    Daoust_Nat Well-Known Member Supporter

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    A good Texan

    I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he
    was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was
    carrying. Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling
    to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped
    to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

    And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's
    Office and Homeland Security.

    It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.
    I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.