Joke Forum?

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by nwrednk, Sep 11, 2010.

  1. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Don"t make a sound

    Two people go hunting. One shoots a bow in a deer. He say's,sit down and wait here and don't make a sound. So he leaves. The other man does not make a sound. So the other man finds the deer but then he hears a scream. He runs to the man sitting down,he says why did you scream??? The other man says ,I did not scream when the snake bit me,but I did scream when two chipmunks ran up my pants leg and said ''should we eat them here or take them home...
     
  2. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Hmmm, I'm glad that our...

    Hunting season involves wearing long underwear! Btw, your victim must have
    forgotten to at least apply the "tried & true" application of kerosene to his
    pantcuffs to keep chiggers, ticks & other pests from traveling "up that route"!
    Thankfully, my 2 season veteran hunting companion Jethro the beagle did not
    pick-up any "passengers" as the low temps of north Idaho in the fall render
    the nasty bloodsuckers dormant!:D
     

  3. gregs887

    gregs887 New Member

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    Well, there was a Union boss on a business trip to Vegas. While there he decided to check out some of the famous Nevada bordellos. So he went into the first of these pleasure palaces and asked the Madam if this was a Union shop.

    She says "Ahh, no, sorry"... and he walks out saying "I'm not gonna do business with anything other than a Union shop!"

    He goes into another place, same question, same answer, and out he goes.

    This continues until he asks one Madam, "Is this a Union shop?"

    She replies, "Yes sir we sure are. Pleasure Workers Local 319, at your service."

    The Union boss goes, "Well! THIS is more like it." He looks around at the ladies waiting on the sofas, and points to a slim young lady, "I'll take her there."

    But the Madam is bringing out a 60'ish flabby lady with one tooth, and explains, "Yes, I'm sure you would like Fifi there, but Bertha here has more Union seniority and claims first rights... "
     
  4. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    EEEWWW, but now the...

    "Cornholio" part makes sence!:rolleyes:
     
  5. gregs887

    gregs887 New Member

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    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

    "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointedthat his unusual question had a practical answer.

    But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi who could see that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manu facturer, and every now and then the send us a free box of bread-wafers."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the k now-it-all Rabbi.


    "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover Foreskins from the circumcisions youperform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
     
  6. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Three indians

    There was once 3 indians and a chief. The chief told the indians to go hunting,a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer, the chief said.how did you get that deer?...the indian said,me see track,me follow tracks,me shoot deer. Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. The chief asked him how he got the bear?...the indian said me see track,me follow traks,me shoot bear. A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up,and bleeding. the chief asked,what happened to you?...The indian said me see tracks,me follow tracks,me get hit by train...
     
  7. AusLach

    AusLach Active Member

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    Ernie the Aboriginal rang John his American mate one day and said that he had saved up some money and was flying from Australia to the US to go bear hunting with him.
    "Alright" said John, "But you'd better bring all your hunting gear with you because I don't have any to spare".
    "Yeah no worries" said Ernie excitedly, "See you soon".

    Ernie turned up at John's door a few days later carrying a boomerang and wearing nothing but a small waistcloth and one thong (EDIT: flip-flop :D).
    "Lose a thong Ernie?" asked John bemusedly.
    "Nah, I found one how lucky was that?!"

    They talk well into the afternoon and go to bed, ready to go bear hunting the next morning. John woke up the next morning to find the cabin empty and his own gun still on the rack. A small note was left on the kitchen table which read,
    "John, I'm going out bear hunting, I'll be back by lunchtime. Ernie".
    "There's no way he'll be able to kill a bear and drag it back here by lunchtime" thought John, "I'll give him until 11 and I'll go out looking for him.."

    Not five minutes later John heard a faint cry. He walked to the window and he heard it again. "Open the door!!"
    A couple of seconds later the cry was repeated, "Open the door!!"

    A couple of minutes went by and another cry rang out, this one obviously much closer, "OPEN THE F#%&ING DOOR!!!"

    John quickly ran to the door and opened it just in time to see Ernie sprinting out of the forest, the largest Grizzly John had ever seen hot on his tail. The bear had a large bump on his head and was obviously gunning for Ernie. They both were quickly closing on the cabin but just before Ernie reached the front step he tripped on his one thong. The Grizzly, running too fast to pull up came bowling into the cabin with John. Ernie jumped up, slammed the door shut and yelled through the window,
    "You skin this bastard and I'll go get another one!"
     
  8. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Gregs887...

    I heard a version of that before...but it involved a resturant that had a
    weekly "special" featuring "calimary"! (EEEEWWWW)!
     
  9. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    From Jeff Foxwortheys desk calender...

    Recently. "You might be a redneck if"... Everything in your freezer smells like
    deer meat! Well...No! (But, that is because we triple wrap the meat in plastic
    wrap, then butcher paper & freezer bags)! :D
     
  10. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact???...Breast don't have eye's....Light travels faster than sound....This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.....Haven't heard any good jokes...that's all I hear all day long,but not laytly ...:mad::mad::mad:
     
  11. igordog

    igordog New Member

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    A man heard a faint knock on his front door, opened it, and saw a snail on his porch. "What the hell is this?" he said, and bent down, picked up the snail and threw it across the street.
    Two years later, the man heard another faint knock on the front door. He opened it, saw nothing, then looked down. The snail on the porch said, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for?"

    Obama's piglets
    Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
    The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."
    The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
    The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent trade, sir."
     
  12. mesinge2

    mesinge2 New Member

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    A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

    She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

    "What did you not understand ?"

    And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
     
  13. mesinge2

    mesinge2 New Member

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    Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

    Finally the first blonde says "Damn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
     
  14. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Wife wanted something for her birthday that when't 0-to-150 in six secounds........So I bought her a bathroom scale.....
     
  15. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    Wife was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw,and said to me,I look old,fat and ugly,I feel horrible. I really need you to pay me a compliment...I replied your eyesight's damn near perfect and then the fight started....
     
  16. mach1337

    mach1337 New Member

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    Thought it was my turn to chime in...

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
    my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
    the shed, the boat, making beer . . .
    Always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day,
    I found her seated in the tall grass,
    busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said,
    " When you finish cutting the grass,
    you might as well sweep the driveway. "

    The doctors say I will walk again,
    but I will always have a limp.
     
  17. Greebo

    Greebo New Member

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    A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

    "Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.

    "No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.

    "Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.

    "No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.

    They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

    Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

    They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

    Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.

    A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.

    Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
     
  18. nwrednk

    nwrednk New Member

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    Longhair...lmao!

    That was a "good un"!:D
     
  19. LONGHAIR

    LONGHAIR New Member

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    One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law (we know where this is going) a cemetery plot as a x-mas gift...The next year,I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why,I replied well you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!!!...Then the fight started...
     
  20. Shihan

    Shihan Well-Known Member Lifetime Supporter

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    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He had led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and mallet.

    "What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his friends asked.

    "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock." The drunk replies.

    "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

    "Yup" replied the drunk.

    "How's it work?" The friend asked looking at it.

    "Watch," the drunk replied.

    He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Abruptly some one on the other side of the wall screamed, "You inconsiderate moron! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"