[nwrednk]

A recent car accident involving an elephant reminded me of an old Finnish
joke! A circus train derailed in a rural part of Finland & many of the animals
escaped, an elephant made its way to a farm many miles off the main road
owned by an elderly couple that had never traveled much beyond their parish.
The old woman was preparing lunch for her husband when she spotted a huge
unknown beast in her garden & called the sheriff about it pulling carrots up
with its tail! The sheriff asked "what is it doing with the carrots"! "She said,
sheriff...you've got to come see that for yourself"!!!:

 

[LONGHAIR]

How did Burger King get Diary Queen pregnant?...He forgot to wrap his whopper...Why does a squirrle swim on it's back?To keep its nuts dry...Why don't blind men skydive?Because it scares the **** out of the dog... 2cowboys in the kitchen, which one is the real cowboy? The one on the Range...Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?..Because its finger licking good...Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? LIPSTICK...What do u do when your wifes staggering? SHOOT HER AGAIN>

 

[LONGHAIR]

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman yelling on the back porch?...The dog quits barking when you let it in. Why do all iraqi milatery men carry a piece of sand paper?... They need a map. How do you get 99 old ladies to say f##k at the same time? YELL ''Bingo''. A marine sniper was asked what he felt when he shot an enemy combatant? The marine sniper thought a second and replied ''RECOIL''.How do you say 'bad shot' in redneck?...vegetarian.

 

[nwrednk]

Vegetarian?

Aka... "bad hunter/poor shot"...(Old American Indian word)!

 

[LONGHAIR]

Whats the mating call of the blonde?..."I'm sooo drunk... How do you change a blonde's mind?... Buy her another beer. Why'd they call it pms?...cos mad cow disease was already taken. you know what I did before I married?...Anythind I wanted to.

 

[LONGHAIR]

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?...About five drinks... Whats black and brown and looks good on a Lawyer?...A Dobermanpinscher...Do u know the punishment for bigamy?..Two mother-in-laws...What has four legs and a arm?... A happy pit bull...Where can u find a good Lawyer?..IN the cemetery. What do u give a blonde that has everything?.PENICILLIN>

 

[LONGHAIR]

How do you make a dishwasher into a snow blower?? Give the ***** a shovel... What does a blonde make best for dinner?? Reservations...

 

[Greebo]

What do you feed gay horses?...
haaaaaaaaayyy

why are pirates called pirates?...
They just arrrgghhhh!!

 

[Greebo]

So, blind man walks into a bar....wait let me get these out of the way....

Blind man walks into a bar...and says 'ouch!'

2 guys walk into a bar...sure you'd think one of them would have seen it

...now, where was I?...Oh yes, A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[c3shooter]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

 

[nwrednk]

HMMM, Well, this is a new one...

From my Jeff Foxwortheys desk calender! Happy october 1 rst everyone as we
enter my favourite time of the year! You might be a redneck if... "You have
grease under your toenails"!

 

[LONGHAIR]

You must be a redneck if...

You see a billboard that say's "DON'T DO CRACK''and it reminds you to pull up your pants...you hunt from your bedroom window...you know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum road kill...your always kooking to find your mother-in-law's picture on the back of a milk carton!!!

 

[igordog]

Here's one that I recently heard...

A drunk walks into a bar doesn't have any money. He asks the bartender for a drink, but when asked to pay for it, he can't. The bartender asks him, "Well, do you have anything else that you can put up for the drink?"
The drunk says, "All that I have is the frog who can play the piano."
The bartender says, "If your frog can play me a song I'll give you a drink."
So the drunk puts the frog on the piano and he plays a beautiful song.
The drunk finishes his drink and asks for another.
The bartender asks, "Do you have anything else that you can put up for this one?"
The drunk says, "All that I have is this canary who can sing beautifully along with the frog."
The bartender says, "OK. If the canary sings me a beautiful song with the frog playing the piano, you can have another drink."
So the drunk puts the canary up on the piano and it goes on to sing a beautiful song while the frog plays along on the piano.
Meanwhile, another patron in the bar witnesses all of this and tells the drunk that he'll give him $100,000 for the frog and the canary. The drunk says "No."
The man says, "How about $50,000 for just one of them?", and the drunk proceeds to sell him the canary.
The man leaves with his new canary and the bartender asks the drunk, "Why didn't you sell him the frog too? Do you know how many drinks you could have bought for $100,000?" and the drunk replies, "Because the frog is a ventriloquist."

 

[LONGHAIR]

What do you call a woman with one leg?...ILENE...What do you call an anorexic with thrush?..A quarter pownder with cheese...What's slimy,long,and smells like pork?...KERMIT the frogs finger...What do ufo's and smart blondes have in common?you keep hearing about them,but never see any...how do you keep a blonde in suspense?...I'll tell you tomorrow...how do you plant dope?...bury a blonde.

 

[nwrednk]

Murphys Law?

Not a joke...but more of a "hmmm moment". Why is it everytime I fry an egg
for my beagle as his weekly ration on sunday for breakfast his egg turns out
perfect everytime & my 2 are never perfect?! Jethro always gets a perfect
resturant quality egg everytime while at least one of mine has a broken yolk
or is overcooked!

 

[LONGHAIR]

Is that jethro bo dean,I think it's the cook. Egg's are good for the dogs coat,so i was told. My dog a shelty-collie get's two egg's a week also.

 

[igordog]

I gave my dog some eggs once and he proceeded to smell up the entire house for the next 12 hours...Never again.

 

[nwrednk]

"Aigs" Eh?

Longhair, Jethro was nearly named "Bart" after the cartoon character but I
chose "Jethro" since I wanted to honor my last one with a southern name like
"Goober" that holds the record as our longest living beagle...april 12 1992 to
september 21 2008! And, Igordog...as long as you restrict most dogs to one
egg, (maybe 2 a week) depending on size, (18 to 45 pounds) the (gas)
problem is (rarely) an issue. Pop has a mini beag & a standard sized seniour
pair that only get one egg a week, Goober was most likely part walker hound
as he weighed 45",s in his prime & was about 18",s tall! (The beagle breed
standard is 13" to 15",s). Jethro is a 15" beagle that is very muscular &
above the average weight of 25"s as he holds a steady weight of 32",s!

 

[LONGHAIR]

SIXTEEN YEARS, That's along run for a dog,I think the smaller they are,the longer they live for.Not sure,I know it sucks after one passes away. My vet has a really BIG dog, not sure of the breed and he told me Big dogs only live eight years or so.

 

[nwrednk]

You are right about smaller dogs...

Living longer! Goober holds the current record in our family as a beagle... but,
my grand Aunt had a chihuahua that was very spoiled & lived over 23 yrs!
Rufus, my dads elder beagle might beat Goobers record...but he has an
enlarged heart due to his "bred-down" stature & needs heart meds to stay
healthy. He will be 15 in march of next year & his exact birthday is only a
"guess" as Rufus was an adopted dog. I was lucky with Goober, as his
breeders provided documents of his birth along with his littermates! Out of
the Pack...Goober trotted up to me as "his chosen one"! (It was the first &
only time in my life),"that a dog chose me"! Jethro, (my current one) was
the runt of the litter & the last one to be sold by an elderly couple that had
been breeding beagles for 40 yrs. (He might be related to Goober) as both
familys live on the Indian reservation south of Coeur d Alene in the Worley
area! Jethros breeders have bred beagles that lived up to 19 yrs!