If you need a laugh today

Discussion in 'Hunting Forum' started by hunter Joe, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. hunter Joe

    hunter Joe New Member

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    subject: Involuntary Muscular Contractions



    A professor at the University of
    Mississippi was giving a lecture on
    'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to
    his first year medical students.

    Realizing this was not the most riveting
    subject, the professor decided to lighten
    the mood slightly.

    He pointed to a young
    woman in the front row and said,
    'Do you know what your ash hole is doing
    while you're having an orgasm?'

    She replied, 'Probably deer hunting
    with his buddies.'
     
  2. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    LOL - I think I knew that girl. :p

    JD
     

  3. sgtdeath66

    sgtdeath66 New Member

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  4. canebrake

    canebrake New Member

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    BIOLOGY EXAM (Teacher appreciation jokes)
    Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment." [​IMG]
     
  5. rugermike

    rugermike New Member

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    Imagine that?


    Now that there's funny! NOT RIGHT, but funny!:D:D:D

    Thanks
     
  6. bigbad-ratman

    bigbad-ratman New Member

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    Bob and Fred leave Bob's house for a short hunting trip. On their way back Fred notices a strange car parked in Bob's drive way, raises his rifle and see's Bob's wife with a stranger through the scope. He then tells Bob the bad news. Bob understandably upset, asks Fred if he has a shot on them.
    "Sure do Bob."
    "Well shoot him in *groin area* and her in the head."
    "Gotcha Bob. I can do that with one shot."
     
  7. Jo da Plumbr

    Jo da Plumbr New Member

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    Subject
    IRS Inspector


    > At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
    > books of a Synagogue.
    >
    >
    > While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I
    > notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
    > drippings?"
    >
    >
    > "Good question," noted the Rabbi."We save them up and send
    them back to
    > the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
    > candles.."
    >
    >
    > "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
    unusual
    > question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
    > "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the
    > crumbs?"
    >
    >
    > "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was
    trying to
    > trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
    them
    > back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box
    > of bread-wafers."
    >
    > "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
    fluster
    > the know-it-all Rabbi.
    >
    > "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
    leftover
    > foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
    >
    > "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we
    do is save
    > all the foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year
    > they send us a complete dick."
     
  8. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

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  9. ladyM

    ladyM New Member

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    > One day a father puts his rifle away after a shooting session and on his way home suddenly
    > remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a
    toy shop
    > and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in
    the
    > display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you
    mean, sir?
    >
    > We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
    Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
    Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
    $265.95"
    >
    > The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
    $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
    >
    >
    > The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir ...,
    > "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
    Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's
    Friends.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2009
  10. ladyM

    ladyM New Member

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    So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you are no Abe Lincoln."
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2009
  11. warrioroftheland

    warrioroftheland New Member

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    i think i dated that girl :confused::mad:
     
  12. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    That's funny right there....:D:D

    JD
     
  13. RL357Mag

    RL357Mag New Member

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    A 5 yr. old and a 4 yr. old are upstairs in their bedroom. “ You know what?” says the 5 yr. old, I think it’s about time we started swearing”

    The 4 yr. old nods his head in approval. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you say “ass” ok? “OK” the 4 yr. old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 yr. old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios”. WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 yr. old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?”

    “I don’t know” , he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
     
  14. dunerunner

    dunerunner New Member

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    Pelosi, a Saint?

    On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

    The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

    The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

    And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
    Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

    Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

    The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
     
  15. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member

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    LMAO!! Great one Dune..... :D

    JD
     
  16. hunter Joe

    hunter Joe New Member

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    In concert with the avatar tread this week;

    A father and his young son were going for a walk when they came upon two dogs humping.

    The boy asked, dad what are those two dogs doing?

    The father replied, the dogs are making puppies.

    Later that night the son got out of bed and caught his dad humping mom.

    Dad what are you doing asked the boy and dad replied we are making babies.

    The boy exclaimed, dad turn her over, I want a puppy.

    Once Again, Happy Birthday JD And Wishes For Many More To follow. HJ
     
  17. RL357Mag

    RL357Mag New Member

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    Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

    Bill tells his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

    About 1 hr. later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all ripped and torn.

    “What happened to you” asks Bill . Well the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and his 19 yr. old daughter made passionate love to me.

    “My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton

    The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clintons driver, and I just wanted to tell you the pig is dead”.
     
  18. warrioroftheland

    warrioroftheland New Member

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    357 i do believe that is the best joke i'v heard in a while
     
  19. RL357Mag

    RL357Mag New Member

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    I like THIS one better..:D

    President Obama was visiting an elementary School, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word “tragedy”

    One little boy stood up and offered, “My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran him over. That would be a tragedy.

    “No” said Obama, “That would be and accident”

    A Little girl raised her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy”

    “I’m afraid not,” said Obama “that’s what we would call a great loss”

    The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer. President Obama searched the room. “isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

    Finally in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Obama, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy”.

    “Fantastic”, said Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

    “Well,” said the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”
     
  20. Shotgun Shooter

    Shotgun Shooter New Member

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    Bahaha RL.
    That was a good one!

    S.S.