"Funny" War Stories

Discussion in 'History' started by zaitsev44, Jan 1, 2014.

  1. zaitsev44

    zaitsev44 Active Member

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    I want to collect some funny, ironic, ect. war stories for entertainment. I'll go first, this is a urban legend, but it had been proven by a few sources. It takes place in 1911 or so, in the Philippines: "Once in U.S. history an episode of Islamic terrorism was very quickly stopped. It happened in the Philippines about 1911, when Gen. John J. Pershing was in command of the garrison. There had been numerous Islamic terrorist attacks, so "Black Jack" told his boys to catch the perps and teach them a lesson.
    Forced to dig their own graves, the terrorists were all tied to posts, execution style. The U.S. soldiers then brought in pigs and slaughtered them, rubbing their bullets in the blood and fat. Thus, the terrorists were terrorized; they saw that they would be contaminated with hogs' blood. This would mean that they could not enter Heaven, even if they died as terrorist martyrs.
    All but one was shot, their bodies dumped into the grave, and the hog guts dumped atop the bodies. The lone survivor was allowed to escape back to the terrorist camp and tell his brethren what happened to the others. This brought a stop to terrorism in the Philippines for the next 50 years.
    Pointing a gun into the face of Islamic terrorists won't make them flinch.
    They welcome the chance to die for Allah. Like Gen. Pershing, we must show them that they won't get to Muslim heaven (which they believe has an endless supply of virgins) but instead will die with the hated pigs of the devil." What are some "funny" stories you've heard?

    ***(I know war is nothing to take light of and it's serious, and funny might be the wrong word, but I use it for a lack of a better word).
     
  2. SSGN_Doc

    SSGN_Doc Well-Known Member

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    Heard a story from a Viet Nam era Hospital Corpsman on how he received one if his wounds.

    He was in a village in the back of a Jeep handing out candy bars to kids. Part of the strategy of winning hearts and minds. He says he was pretty much finished handing them out when one of the kids came out of a hut with a pistol and shoots him. He said that his flak jacket received the worst of the hit but deflected the bullet in at his armpit. The force of the bullet combined with us effort to dodge the bullet and stumbling over stuff in the back if the Jeep sent him falling backward out of the Jeep.

    He stated that as he was falling the thought that went through his mind before he hit the ground was "Geez kid, if you don't like Hershey's with almonds, just say so."
     

  3. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

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    Have ABSOLUTELY no documentation on this one- take it with a BIG grain of salt.

    Vietnam, late in the war, Special Forces camp up near the DMZ. North Vietnamese Migs have overflown the camp at low level twice- and the camp had no anti-aircraft weapons if the Migs did decide to shoot them up.

    The SF Commander had arranged to have 4 Redeye shoulder fired AA missilies sent to the camp- along with an 11Q Sgt to do a quick course on how to use one. The Redeyes and the instructor Sgt were one the way into the camp by Huey when they suddenly got a close pass at speed by a Mig. Came screaming head on at them, same altitude, slipped to the side, past them- and was making a big looping turn- coming back.

    Everyone on board the Huey is in the warp 9 panic mode- but in the back of the Huey, the Redeye instructor is popping open the shipping case, pulls out a Redeye, slams the gas/battery unit in place, and as the Mig goes screaming by on his second pass- leans out of the open door of the Huey, and put a RedEye right up his tailpipe.
     
  4. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

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    But there IS documentation on THIS one- If you ever visit the Air Force Academy just North of Colorado Springs, stop by the display, and pay your respects to Diamond Lil. Take a look at her.

    AF Academy B52.jpg

    Take a CLOSE look at the mission honors painted on the side of the fuselage. Besides the bombs indicating combat bombing missions- did you notice the Mig?

    “The particular feat was accomplished by Airman First Class Albert E. Moore, who brought down a MiG-21 which was closing to attack ‘Diamond Lil.’ The reason its MiG kill was so celebrated was that a B-52 which got within range of a fighter almost always lost the fight. B-52s were built on the assumption that enemy fighters would be kept at bay by their own fighter escort, and so they had minimal defensive guns."


    He had quad 50s against the cannon and missiles of the Mig 21. The Mig 21 rolled in to the 6 o'clock, closing fast- and Lil's pilot hit his speed brakes- causing the Mig to close much faster- and closer- than he planned, At which point, Airman Moore (the only enlisted man on a B52) slapped him out of the air.
     
  5. 1411

    1411 New Member

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    I enjoyed reading these, thank you
     
  6. Cutlass327

    Cutlass327 Member

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    Keep 'em coming, people!
     
  7. trip286

    trip286 New Member

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    That story gave me a hard on. So did the last one. Not gonna lie.

    I have one, I'll tell it when I get my hands on a computer.
     
  8. DrFootball

    DrFootball disappointed & disgusted, But DETERMINED... Lifetime Supporter

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    The Following is an excerpt from the forthcoming Book: "I'm no Hero, I was just doing my Job"(working title)

    This takes place in the summer of 1983. But lets rewind back 4 years to the summer of 1979, when yours truly had a "moment" and decided to "drop Out" of CUNY-John Jay College Of Criminal Justice's "Police Jurisprudence" Program and "Drop In" to the Local US ARMY Recruiting center with his Transcripts, Associates Degree, and Flight Log Book....My Dad, "AL," a Career Federal LE And Army Reservist who had Served In Both Germany In 1948-49 and In The Korean War Until Late 1952. I got the "be careful what you wish for" speech when I swore in. He had been back to war in 1965 as a CID In Saigon. After WOCS, Flight School, And other interesting courses of study, Plus a Tour In Central America assisting the "Military Advisers," I had found myself recruited, so to speak, to a "specialized" Aviation Unit. Well it was funny. They told my entire Battalion we were changing Commands, and Bases.. I had moved over from the 227Th Av. Batt. 1st BHCT-1st Cav. to the 229th Av. Batt. after my Central American Vacation. So we packed up EVERYTHING from FT. Hood, and Flew it all to Ft. Campbell Ky. On arrival, some personnel records were missing. First Sign of SNAFU: The Army Doesn't Just Loose Personnel Files unless they WANT to. Our CO was the Quiet Type, and doesn't "make Waves" that would keep him from rising to Grade 6, and he hoped eventually, Grade 7. after a day and a half, it was straitened out alright, we were told(8 flight Officers and 8 enlisted crewmen) that we were "at the wrong field" and we needed to go to the "other" field on the base. Once we got there we were all separated, and told to wait in the rooms we were left in. That was at 10:30 Hrs. It was 12:15 Hrs. before the door opened again.........
    (continues)
     
  9. TankTop

    TankTop Well-Known Member Supporter

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    First and only air to air kill by a F-15E

    The weather was bad that night, with clouds from about 4,000 feet to about 18,000 feet. We were cruising above the weather, waiting for AWACS [an E-3 Airborne Warning and Control System aircraft] or someone else to pass us some coordinates on some Scuds.
    AWACS gave us a call and said that a Special Forces team was in trouble. They had been found by the Iraqis, who were moving to cut them off. We had ten to fifteen Special Forces teams in the general area looking for Scuds. This team was about 300 miles across the border.
    Five Iraqi helicopters were in their area-about fifty miles to our west. As we headed in their direction, I put my wingman in a four-mile trail formation behind me because I had to go down through the weather. When I was about fifty miles from the team, Capt. Dan Bakke, my back-seater, began working the radar to look for the helicopters. We got contacts on them moving west to east, just like the AWACS had said.
    Dan and I started talking about what we were going to do. We knew there were helicopters down there, but if we were going to shoot them down, we wanted confirmation that they were bad guys. We called up AWACS, call sign Cougar, and asked them if there were any friendly helicopters in the area. The AWACS controller said, "We don't have any friendlies in the area. Any helicopters you find, you are cleared to shoot."
    We got a little closer and kept going down to get below the weather. I wanted to confirm, one more time, before we lost contact with AWACS, that these were definitely bad guys and not some of our Special Forces helicopters coming to get the team. We had a few based in Syria that would have been following the same general course and could have gotten to the area fairly quickly. AWACS confirmed there were no friendlies in the area.
    We continued to press in and were down to about 2,500 feet along the major road between Baghdad and the Syrian border. That area was always hot with a lot of AAA. I was working the radar, and Dan was working the high-resolution FLIR in the targeting pod to find the helicopters. When we popped out of the clouds fifteen to twenty miles from the team, Dan could see the helicopters with the pod. They were moving pretty much abreast, with the lead out in front in the middle. They were still moving west to east. They were moving and stopping at regular intervals.
    There was also a group of troops on the ground to the east of the team. We started getting AAA fire from these troops. To us, it looked as if they were trying to herd the team with the helicopters into the troops to the east. The helicopters were keeping an even distance from each other, and we figured they might be dropping off troops to help herd the team.
    The image on the pod was good enough to identify the helicopters as probable [Mi-24] "Hinds," five to ten miles out. Hinds can carry troops and are heavily armed with rockets and machine guns. As soon as the helicopters picked up and started moving, we were getting hits off them on the radar. The radar would stay locked on them when they were on the ground because the moving rotor blades were picked up.
    Dan and I discussed how we wanted to conduct the attack. We decided to hit the lead helicopter with a GBU-10 while he was on the ground. If we hit him, he would be destroyed. If he moved off before the bomb landed, it would still get the troops he just left on the ground. It would also give the other helicopters something to think about, which might give the team a chance to get away in the confusion. We would then circle around and pop the others as we could. We passed our plan to our wingman and told him to get the first helicopter he saw with an AIM-9.
    By this time, we were screaming over the ground, doing about 600 knots--almost 700 mph. The AAA was still coming up pretty thick. Our course took us right over the top of the Iraqi troops to the east of the team. We didn't know exactly where our team was, but it was looking to us like things were getting pretty hairy for the Special Forces guys.
    Dan was lasing the lead helicopter. We let the bomb go from about four miles out while the leader was on the ground. Because of our speed, it had a hell of a range on it-more range than an AIM-9. I got AIM-9 guidance going and uncaged a Sidewinder. I was ready to fire the missile as soon as we were in range.
    Just as we released the bomb, the airspeed readout on the radar showed the target at 100 knots and climbing. The lead chopper had picked up and started moving. I said, "There's no chance the bomb will get him now," even though Dan was working hard to keep the laser spot on him. I got a good lock with my missile and was about to pickle off a Sidewinder when the bomb flew into my field of view on the targeting IR screen.
    There was a big flash, and I could see pieces flying in different directions. It blew the helicopter to hell, damn near vaporized it. We sat there for a few seconds, just staring. By that time, the AAA was getting real heavy and the other helicopters were starting to scatter. I told my wingman to put three Mk. 82 500-pounders on that same spot to get any troops that the helos dropped off.
    We beat up the area with bombs and were going to circle around and come down on them again. I popped up above 10,000 feet and talked to AWACS to tell them what was going on. They said, "I understand you visually ID'ed that as an Iraqi helo." I said, "No, it's still dark out here, but I saw a FLIR image of what I took to be a Hind."
     
  10. texaswoodworker

    texaswoodworker New Member

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    "What the Hell was on 572s right wing?"

    [​IMG]

    Sadly, the pilot (CDR Stoddard) didn't survive the war. May he rest in piece. :(

     
  11. SSGN_Doc

    SSGN_Doc Well-Known Member

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    C3s story reminded me of USS Barb, which is the submarine credited with "sinking a train".

    The Barb is one of the highest decorated subs from WWII. Barb is officially credited with sinking 17 enemy vessels totaling 96,628 tons.
    Upon completion of her 11th patrol, Barb was sent to the U.S. for a yard overhaul and alterations, which included the installation of 5 in (130 mm) rocket launchers at the Captain's request. Returning to the Pacific, she commenced her 12th and final patrol on 8 June. This patrol was conducted along the coasts of the Sea of Okhotsk. For the first time in U.S. submarine warfare, Barb successfully employed rockets, against the towns of Shari, Hokkaido; Shikuka, Kashiho; and Shiritoru on Karafuto. She also bombarded the town of Kaihyo To with her regular armament, destroying 60 percent of the town. She next landed a party of carefully selected crew members who blew up a railroad train. During the night of 22–23 July 1945 these men went ashore at Karafuto, Japan, and planted an explosive charge that subsequently wrecked a train. This raid is represented by the train symbol in the middle bottom of the battle flag.
     
  12. DrFootball

    DrFootball disappointed & disgusted, But DETERMINED... Lifetime Supporter

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    (Continued from Last Post) In walks a Major, with his name tape covered. The Previous summer, while In Honduras & El Salvador, I had read a Book called "the Five Fingers" about a Joint Special Forces(Aussie/American/Canadian) operation to Kill NVA Generals toward the end of the War. Somehow I thought this was going to be more interesting then that. There was no "Small Talk," no social "nicey nicey" "Son, your being seconded to a new special aviation unit. Everything you are about to hear is classified. At the end of this conversation, you will have exactly one chance to respectfully bow out, and you can return to your unit, but if you even Breathe one word of this to anyone, your friends, your parents or other family, even your cousins(ok, so they know about my "family tree. I'm screwed" I Thought to myself,"....) I'm going to have you thrown in a military prison for 10 years! You read me Soldier?" "I think I get the Drift, sir" "Ok then." he continued, "We have one small problem. Your Rank. You have only been In Uniform a little shy of 2 and a half years, Made grade 2 on your birthday in 1980,..but you have only been in rank 17 months,..no one in this unit flies at rank of less then grade 3 or 1st. Lt. Promotable to Captain. so in your case, this is what we decided. We're going to make you an acting grade 3. If you complete the training period successfully, that will become a permanent promotion, if not, we will have to find some unit to send you to if you wash out, Do you understand?" "yes Sir!" I said. I was now one scared ****less 22 & a half year old. I kept hearing my Old Man's Crusty NCO voice in the back of my head telling me not to volunteer for anything. The Major was thumbing through some papers which I could see had my last name (spelled correctly, for once!) on it. He was speaking again,.."top of your WOCS class,..4th overall At Rucker, 3rd overall at Aviation Weapons Training school, I Like this one son! You told a female Training Cadre Officer at SERE that She should orally perform on you since thats the closest she would ever come to having a "godly" experience! You have some Pair of Balls Son! " He continued.. "Successful Transition to the UH-60 Airframe, Also Airborne & Ranger Graduate! Hmmm....Father a Career Federal LE & decorated Army Reservist, both Grandfathers & Great Uncle Served in WWI, One Cousin an Air Force 2-Star, the Other an Army Major with a Top Secret assignment,..and the third who did not return home from Vietnam, Sorry....." "Sir" I cut in, at least with Politeness for once, "what does my Family History have to do with me Supposedly being in this Unit" I said. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like the answer. Not one bit. "We know everything about you son,..because we investigated you. Do you think It was just dumb luck you were Pulled from the 227th to go to Blackhawk school? We know you were bullied until you began taking Judo classes In the 6th grade, we know you have an Autistic brother, we know you play guitar and have a Ham setup at home. We know you are very talented with small arms, so you want to ask me what else we know about you?" "No" I sighed. "I think you gave me a nice clear panavision picture Sir" I said. "So what am I supposed to do NOW?" "Down the hall to the left, is a wardroom with some sandwich platters and drinks. Go grab yourself some lunch with your friends. We are moving all your personal possessions over to your new barracks. The training is 25 Weeks total, followed by 25 weeks of "probationary" advanced training. At this time next year, IF you don't wash out, you will be Fully Mission Qualified." "that's It?" I said "Thats it", he replied. "Oh," he said "one more thing, now that you have agreed to volunteer. Welcome" as he stretched out his right hand while removing the black tape from over his name tab with the left. "Sloan, Larry Sloan, because after today it will be "Major Sloan Sir" for the next 6 months. I'm your Training Cadre Commander." While I may like it eventually, I wasn't going to like it one bit for the next 6 months...

    Excerpted from the forthcoming book "I'm no Hero, I was just doing my Job" a work of Fiction based on Fact. Copryrights Pending......
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2014
  13. seancslaughter

    seancslaughter New Member

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    Ok a lil bit of backstory on my unit and its mission in Iraq I was a member of a field artillery unit(M270A1 Rocket Artillery) with the 4th ID we were supposed to land our supercargo boat in Turkey and come in thru the north and provide long range artillery support throughout the country. Needless to say that did not happen as Turkey refused to allow us to enter. So we get rerouted to Kuwait and arrive at the same time as most of the Marines supercargo boats. So we off load the boats and stage our stuff in Kuwait. Our Brigade commander is itching to get Soldiers in combat so he repeatedly bugs our Division commander to allow us in on the invasion. We end up heading into Iraq a day behind the main push. Our battalion is split off from the brigade and is basically told "Hey do whatever the hell you guys feel like doing" Luckily our Batt Commander is a hard charging Warrior see article http://www.militarycorruption.com/LTCWest-1.htm he takes a look at a map says here lets go capture this base and use it as our own. We arrive at Al Taji airbase after 2 days driving in pretty heavy combat and attack the 5 dudes left to guard all of Taji. Now we rename it as FOB Gunner. Our commander calls brigade and division and says "Hey now what?" they say "ummm whatever" So we build up our defensive perimeter on this base and consolidate near the airfield. 2 days later a SF ODA and ODB team shows up and are like "Hey guys you mind if we crash here and set up our compound" Our LTC is like "sure! If you guys can take a few days and train my guys in how to conduct raids so they don't get themselves killed" So the A team gives us about a weeks training and some equipment in trade(We had tons of british MRE's we had acquired and they had flashbangs out the wazoo) and sets us loose on the wonderful people of Taji. We started conducting raids and got several lower people on the Deck of Cards. The division commander said hey guys why don't you all start doing some vehicle checkpoints on the highway you might snag some HVT's so we were like "Yes Sir" we nabbed an Iraqi Air Force General on highway 1 it was funny because when we stopped him he had a driver and was being chauferred the driver was like" Hey why are you stopping us? Don't you know who this is its this is Blah blah blah Al-Tikriti!!!!" we were like Ding Ding Ding" any relation to Saddam Hussain Al-Tikriti you sir are under arrest. Now the funny story one day we were doing a random checkpoint when a bongo van drives up with 3 guys in it we get them out and look in the vehicle and find a PILE of weapons and ammo were talking about multiple AK's, a couple HK G3 clones, RPG's and rockets all sorts of goodies. So we ask them "What are all the weapons for?" we get the classic Iraqi response "Ali Baba" ie thief so we have a chuckle when a Private mutters "Ali Baba must be one badass Mofo around here!" So we call the TOC and ask for direction they say" Hook em up and bring em in and blow the van and weapons in place" Now like I said we were a artillery unit only E-5 and above had a grenade apiece only the SFC had a smoke grenade and a thermite grenade, we had 1 AT4 on us and absolutely no explosives soooo our Plt Leader say hey get Pvt so and so to drive it off the road into the ditch and Sgt so and so you throw the thermite grenade onto the pile of weapons" Ok seems like a good plan so they execute. we are all watching as they slam it into the ditch the Sgt jumps out and throws in the grenade he then looks down and sees a crapload of UXO buried in the sandby the van and damn near craps himself he comes sprinting towards our 5 ton screaming "get down get down!!!" so we all hunker down after about 3 minutes of nothing happening something in the van finally touches off and sets off like 5 or 6 buried 105 rounds scaring the **** out of the people driving down the highway and dusting us with dirt and debris. We all start laughing at the mayhem we just caused until the radio starts going off with the TOC screaming "Is everyone Ok was that a freaking IED?" try explaining that one to the commander. Also in an unrelated story my 1SG shot a camel spider at 2am in the barracks talk about funny everyone comes running out of our rooms only wearing a kevlar, Ibas and our rifles or in various other states of undress.
     
  14. zaitsev44

    zaitsev44 Active Member

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    Wow these are some great stories. Here's a story that shows how forgetting something can save your life. My friends stepfather served two tours in Iraq, he mainly ran convoys. But one evening he was on the OP tower (it wasn't a tower, just an elevated observation point), and he forgot what time his watch was over so he left the OP and went to ask his superior his question. As he is walking a RPG hits the OP and a small firefight breaks out. He would've been killed, he also has several stories of observing captured truck after captured truck packed with weapons of all kinds. AKs, SKS's, MG3 machine guns, Lee Enfields, and ammunition of all calibers. He took a few "momentos" from his service, a M16 magazine loaded with tracers, his helmet, fatigues, a few pairs of boots, a jar of sand, several million defunct Iraqi dinars with Saddams ugly face on them, and his bayonet.
     
  15. shadecorp

    shadecorp Active Member Supporter

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    A friend told me this story.
    He was in Viet Nam, Air Force,
    One day he was prowling around the base,

    Came across an old JU-52,
    went aboard to have a look
    Came Face to Face with a Cobra.
    He abandoned the ship real quick.
     
  16. trip286

    trip286 New Member

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    Good friend of mine, seemed like he always just had weird luck.
    Staging near the entrance to our FOB, preparing to go on patrol, he sits down on the curb and lights up a smoke.
    Off in the distance, we hear a "toonk... toonk... toonk..." Incoming mortars.
    My buddy, Joe, just sits there and says "eff it." while everyone else is ducking and running for cover.
    2 mortars land near our motor pool, making a lot of noise and giving us a cool show, but causing no real damage to speak of whatsoever.
    The third... landed right next to Joe. It buried itself right there where the concrete curb met the asphalt, maybe 2 feet from his right thigh. Joe was still sitting there smoking his non filtered Camel like nothing had happened at all. He looks over at the tail fins sticking out of the ground, then calmly brushed the dirt from his sleeve, and took another drag. Looked at us, and just as cool as can be, "Y'all ready to go or not?"

    Just a few days later, leaving on another foot patrol, he's walking out towards the entrance to our FOB, smoking yet another Camel... "toonk... toonk... toonk..." Everyone ducks and runs for cover again. 2 hit in the yard, destroying our erstwhile barber shop and shower trailer (no personnel injured at all), and the third hits the ground right in front of Joe. Again, not going off. It landed close enough that he almost stumbled over it in his next step. He calmly wiggles and jiggles it out of the ground, and begins walking towards the UXO pit, letting it swing by his side. He stopped about 5 yards from it and tossed it in. Turned around and announced that he was ready to go on patrol.

    Then he got all shot up on his 5th tour. He's still alive and kicking though.
     
  17. seancslaughter

    seancslaughter New Member

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    We had a guy like that too lol Spc Jarman he was leading a foot patrol one day and a fedayeen fighter popped up maybe 40 feet in front of us with an RPK dude let rip an entire belt at us we all hit the ground except for Jarman after a few seconds you hear a click he runs dry Jarman is just standing there looking at the dude he snaps up his m4 and hits the dude with a 3 round burst and dropped him. Maybe a month later were doing a cordon and search my team is checking a house Jarman and his team are watching for squirters out the back door when "boom" the back door flies open knocking him to the ground he pops up and starts chasing the guy through the field when "brrrrrp" old dude is cut down by a Bradley coax now it just so happens Jarman did his laundry that day and forgot to put his ir reflectors back on his sleeve oh and his cat eyes are on his Kevlar sitting next to the door where he got knocked over so he sees the turret transverse towards him and hits the ground behind a lil berm and "brrrrrrp" coax lights him up he starts shouting "I'm American stop shooting stop shooting" and "brrrrrrp" and brrrrrrp this goes on a few times before he gets fed up and starts shooting back on burst now after a couple shots the tc of the Bradley calls cease fire and says "hey sounds like an m16 on burst" he calls out to Jarman "AMERICAN?" Jarman says "yes you ****ing idiot" the tc says "ok come out and walk this way" Jarman says "**** you you come to me" so the tc hops down and walks over to him and promptly gets knocked the **** out with a buttstroke followed by a "****ing stupid butterbars" that incident ended in a summarized art15 lol
     
  18. Vincine

    Vincine New Member

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    I had a HS classmate who joined the Navy. He and another sailor were sent on shore in Viet-Nam to get a Christmas Tree. So they're driving around the country looking for a tree that could possibly remind someone of an evergreen. They found a tree and were cutting it down when they hear gun fire. Where they were, was supposed to be 'safe'.

    They dive back into the jeep and head back to their base flat out. When they get close they encounter a crew sweeping for road mines. The guy in charge asks how far they came on that road. My friend tells him 10 miles (clicks?). Then the sweaper guy gets on the radio and says, "Road 27b (or whatever) is clear."
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2014