Funny Fart Stories...

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by jca1, Sep 16, 2010.

  1. jca1

    jca1 New Member

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    OK, we all have a funny fart stories, maybe a bunch of them. I think farts are funny as well...crap. Tell your funny fart stories please.

    #1 for me:

    I was in the ninth grade. I rode the school bus to school. When the bus arrived I exited and headed for the door to the school. Somehow I managed to walk in alone, the whole hallway was mine. I had to fart so I did and kept walking. About 20 feet or so later I heard the following conversation between two guys:

    "Damn, you farted!"
    "NO I didn't, you did"
    Ahhhh, man it stinks get away from me"

    I'll share another later.
     
  2. spittinfire

    spittinfire New Member Supporter

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    I was 16, just dropped this HOT girl off from our date. I was driving my dad's truck and I had no more then gotten back in(a gentleman walks a lady to the door) when an evening of holding them in hit me. A rumble in the belly and some pressure....I let one rip that could cause a title wave!!
    I didn't have 2 seconds to enjoy my relief when I looked up and saw said hottie walking towards the truck!
    Now, I had just let the bandit loose and one wif of the air told me it was going to be bad. Not bad in that it kinda stinks, bad in like I need to crack a window before I pass out.
    What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!? Crank the window and hope it fades fast? Jump out and hope it doesn't follow you? :eek::eek::eek:
    Plan A took affect. I never cranked a window so hard in my life!!! She smiled and said she forgot her key, gave me a kiss (the real reason for her return) and went around to the back door.
    I checked the air and the gamble paid off...it was a fast fader. We dated for a year after that.
     

  3. cpttango30

    cpttango30 New Member

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    Every time I fart it is funny well to me at least.

    OK So I am at work (Elementary School) My office at the time was in the library. So I had to poop real bad Breakfast didn't agree with me and I was making a bathroom run when one Decided to sneak out as I rounded the corner out the back door of the library to my favorite pooping bathroom. I headed off fast because it was coming and coming fast. So I make it to the bathroom and take care of business. I wash up and head back to my office and I get in the library There was a kid at the table next to the corner I farted at. He was getting in trouble for pooping his pants. I felt so bad but was laughing so hard on the inside. I still feel bad but it was funny.
     
  4. DrumJunkie

    DrumJunkie New Member

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    A friend and me worked at a beer drive through in Cincinnati Ohio. A little while after smoking a couple lefty's (this was a long time ago) behind the beer cases and some mexican food we went back to work. THe bell rang and my friend went to get their order, bent over to see the car load of really hot girls and cut the loudest fart I ever heard! Now I understand that we where a little on the happy side so the fart wouldhave been funny anyway. Especially with a car load of hot girls right there but he got this really odd look in his eye and run off. After we all got done laughing I got their stuff and they where off to go do things hot girls do. I went into the office to laugh at my friend that had literally blew it with the girls. He was nowhere to be seen. I yell hey Pat! Where thew hell you go! It was just one car of chicks..Don't let it get to you. Well..I hear him reply...I wish that was all there was to it.
    It seemed he did more than cut one. He crapped himself!! :eek::DI had to call someone to bring him some clean pants.

    Sadly for him the story of his crappy service got out and about once an hour or more someone would come in and say something to him like "Don't get shi__y with me mister!" or "man what crappy service here". He ended up quitting to work somewhere else.;)
     
  5. DrumJunkie

    DrumJunkie New Member

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    I had another friend that liked to go into department stores where those racks clothes..you know..Those round racks. He's climb in and leave the creeping death and crawl out. It wouldn't have been as bad but he had to do it in women's clothes racks.:eek: Just so he could see the look on their faces. And man there where looks. WE would be at some store and he would say..Come on! and take off. We all knew what woulkd happen next. A silent but deadly and creep away to a safe distance to shop for his sister..yeah-right!

    I have to say it was really funny when we where 10-12 years old.
     
  6. jca1

    jca1 New Member

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    Those were all funny as heck!

    We were in the NC Mountains with some friends riding the Blue Ridge Parkway in one car, a Suburban. All of a sudden like I knew I was going to have to crap pretty soon. So this fart started building up, one of those real powerful feeling painful farts, right as we stopped at a lookout point. I quickly stepped out of the truck, shut my door, and farted before anyone would know. lucky for me it was strong but silent.

    When I turned around, like 3 seconds later, all the windows were down and everyone inside was gasping for air. I let go a little too soon. Cat was out of the bag and we started looking for a place for me to crap...no one wanted to get farted on again.
     
  7. DrumJunkie

    DrumJunkie New Member

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    That's good comedy there!
     
  8. spittinfire

    spittinfire New Member Supporter

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    I remembered another.....

    I'm working in a wharehouse, a large wharehouse, maybe 100ft from one corrner to the other. It's completely empty but the HVAC is up and running. My friend has been fighting killer gas all week. He lets one go and keeps doing his thing...in a corner 100ft away. about 30 seconds later, I look at his brother who is next to me and he gives me the same look as if to say, "did you just crap your pants?"....We turn around and see his uncle(in another corner) looking at us like he was going to gag and a laberer in the oposite corner giving us the same look. We see my friend 100ft away laughing his butt off becuase he know what has happen.
    He was right in front of the pick up and the HVAC ran his rancid fart thru the warehouse and shared it with all of us.
     
  9. Glasshartt

    Glasshartt New Member

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    A friend of mine used to have super duper, peel the paint of the truck farts all the time. We would be shopping and all of the sudden she would make a quick turn. It only took one time walking into the green cloud before I caught on. When her father passed away, I went to the funeral with her and some family and friends in her truck, a Crew-cab Chevy 1-ton, there were a total of 6 of us in the truck, she was in front, in the center and I was in the rear driver's side, her 70+ Aunt was in the rear middle. On the way from the church to the cemetary, she let this major silent but deadly go. Her poor aunt started turning green. I opened the window but it was one that was so bad that it didn't want to dissapate. It was very hard not to bust out laughing. She finally figured out that it was dairy and anything carbonated that gave her such bad gas. She no longer drinks sodas or beer and has very little dairy, it is much easier to be around her now.
     
  10. DrumJunkie

    DrumJunkie New Member

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    My eyes are watering from reading these....:D
     
  11. jca1

    jca1 New Member

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    On the last step of a two man A ladder, holding a radiant tube heater in the air.

    My co-worker farted, there was no where I could go. I had to just take it. It was like 3 day old deer guts, I thought I would die.

    Of course, he thought it was the funniest thing ever.



    This same friend told me this story.

    He went to bed early, alone. While he was in bed he started farting. A while later his wife opened the door to the bedroom and almost fainted. She wouldn't get in the bed.
     
  12. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    This is absolutely true and I have witnesses. In the early 80's, me and 2 buddies headed over to the PX to browse. One of these fellas absolutely enjoyed Pabst Blue Ribbon, deviled eggs, and fried cheese curds (he was from Wisconsin). He was over by the electronics when he ripped it and soon the most ghastly odor possible spread throughout the entire store. Everybody was looking around for the culprit with a queasy look on their face. My Bud, being proud of the accomplishment, says loudly "Yes, it was me - top that if you can".

    It was January and cold as hell outside and on our way back to the office we made this fella ride in the bed of the pickup...
     
  13. steve666

    steve666 New Member

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    Every November a buddy and I would spend a week in a camper while going deer hunting. It was tradition to stop for White Castles (real gut bombs) on the way. That first night it was heaven help the first asleep for he might wake up with freckles or to find an a$$ staring him in the face.:D
     
  14. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

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    Anytime I go to a department store I like to cut through the ladies section to get to the men's section. Guess what I do when I cut through ..... that's right, I cut loose the dawgs of war!

    I was entering a Sears heading for the escalator and cut right through the ladies blouse section. Sure enough I laid down about 15'-20' of cluster bomb ... a real nasty one. At first I thought I'll need a wipe for sure but then I realized it was just steam, no solids. So i make it to the escalator and head on up. About half way up 3 couples, late 30's or early 40's come strolling into Sears and immediately wade right into the danger zone. :D

    One of the women turns on her man and barks at him for being disgusting. He immediately denies it and at the same time the other 2 couples notice the stench and they all begin to wither under it's aroma. And wouldn't you guess, these 3 couple took the exact same route as I did, so they are getting the full brunt of the power of my flatulence. Sure enough, just as I get to the top of the escalator 1 of the guys figures it out. He yells out "OMG, that guy totally ripped one!". :D

    So now the cat is out of the bag and everyone within earshot is looking at me. So what does one do when caught red handed laying down some mustard gas? I dropped another one for good measure right at the top, trailing it along with me for another 8'-10' or so. Once the second trap was laid I picked up my pace, disregarded what I came to Sears for and made straight for the nearest exit. Just as I'm walking out the door I hear one of the guys yell out "Jesus Christ, he did it again!" :D

    I rolled out of there with tears streaming down my face :p
     
  15. Maverick

    Maverick Member

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    After a night of beer and a midnight run to Whataburger my roomate and I crashed. Woke up early and headed out fishing in my '90 converible Mustang. Top down doin 70 mph down the freeway jammin to the tunes. The music was up and the wind noise was fairly loud when I felt "IT" building and a rummble in my belly.

    With all this noise who cares if its silent are not...The tops down too, so who will know.....Right?...so I let er rip.

    You ever had one so bad that it lingered in a convertible with the top down doin 70 mph.....Not possible.....right?

    Wrong!!

    It lingered longer than I would have EVER DREAMED .....and it was BAD!!!!

    We looked like a couple of Labradours hanging our heads out of the car for the next few miles in the wind just to breath......lol.....Good times.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2010
  16. Troy Michalik

    Troy Michalik Is it Friday yet? Supporter

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    I was about 10-11 years old in the front yard playing touch foot ball with about 4-5 other kids. I was the little shy kid so was farting in front of someone was completely embarrassing. I feel the pressure starting to build, but what to do? I can’t call an “I’ve got to go around the corner to fart” timeout. The only option in my young mind is clench. I don’t even remember thinking about an exit plan or what’s next. . . . just clench. And clench I did.
    So I’m playing defense at the time and staying in to block the pass (yup, I was THAT kid). I’m standing at the line waving my arms at the QB who was the older brother from across the street. He’s looking down field waiting for his guy to get open. Now I’m waving my little arms and jumping up and down. Only every time I land a little comes out, and it’s whoopee cushion loud. PPP . . . PP . . . PPP PPP . . . P. . . PPP. After the third or fourth jump he’s laughing so hard that I make it to 10 Mississippi. That’s right, take the sack any way you can get it.
     
  17. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    This is a no fart story. My oldest daughter was graduating from Columbia Law and I flew up to be there. We we're in her apartment getting dressed for a formal dinner with her "team" and their parents. She looks at me very sternly and says: "Dad, you WILL NOT fart in front of these people."

    Being the kind and considerate father I am, I did not let fly until we were in the cab heading back to her place...
     
  18. Jpyle

    Jpyle New Member

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    So you're a cropduster! :eek:
     
  19. cpttango30

    cpttango30 New Member

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    I love crop dusting. It is so fun.

    My wife decided to feed the dog some Alpo Canned food once (Lets just say not that is never happening again). The dog wolfs through the canned food like there is no tomorrow. About 45 minutes later the kids are on the floor playing with the dog and her tug. She is running around in circles then it hits It is like a tornado of rotten death. That dog let go of the nastiest fart I had ever smelt. I am talking the kids ran away I was gagging my wife was gagging the dog is ringing the bells to go out side. I finely make it to the door and open it she darts out side and lets go of the biggest pile of crap I had ever seen I am talking mastif size crap out of a 30# dog I bet she lost 5# with that crap. It took febreeze spray and opening the bottom of the house for an hour to clear that thing out. OMG I almost puked it was so bad. Wife donated the other 5 cans of alpo we had the next day. Oh and the grass in the spot she crapped was dead in 5 hours :eek: even though I made the kids pick it up not 2 minutes after she let go of it.
     
  20. dog2000tj

    dog2000tj New Member

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    No, no, no, not at all. I'm more of a Rolling Thunder/Scorched Earth kind of guy :D

    Another story,
    Back when I lived in AZ i had gotten pretty sick. I was down for about 3 weeks, trapped inside the house. When I finally started to recover I could feel the sickness coming out of me - through my pores, my piss and sweat, it was foul and nasty.

    So here I am awake at 8am and i make way to the couch with a blanket and pop on the tube. I sat there the entire day laying under the blanket all the while to listening to trumpet blasts every 3-5 minutes. Around 4pm my roommate comes home from work and walks in the front door. He immediately starts to gag and then his eyes start to water. After 2 steps inside he back peddles out the door and closes it. I could hear him wretching out on the patio and here I am inside trumpeting away. When he composes himself he yells at me form outside "what the hell died in there?, have you been home all day laying bombs?". I replied "absolutely! why is it bad?". He instructed me to open all the windows and that he would be back around 8pm and the apartment had better be clean.

    :D