Funnies.....We need to laugh every day!

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by tri70, May 9, 2012.

  1. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

    They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."


    When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

    "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.

    "Love."

    The woman correctly spelled 'Love',and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

    About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


    While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

    I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

    "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

    "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How I get in?

    "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

    "Which word?" her husband asked.

    " Czechoslovakia .."


    Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.....
    There will be hell to pay later!!
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2012
  2. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    Marriage vows....

    A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress. She replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, "So I guess you're going barefoot."
     

  3. Shihan

    Shihan Active Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Told the wife I liked her black fingernails. Now, she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand purposely.
     
  4. Axxe55

    Axxe55 The Apocalypse Is Coming.....

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    saw this the other day and got a good laugh out of it.
     

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  5. seanch

    seanch New Member

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    I saw my neighbor yesterday, he was so happy he said they got a new dishwasher. I told him I got one too and she has a nice azz.
     
  6. rjd3282

    rjd3282 New Member

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    My wife asked me to take her and the kids to Sea World. I told her put on a black and white bathing suit and jump in the pool it would be cheaper.
     
  7. MrWray

    MrWray New Member

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    Oh good lord, that would get you stabbed around here.
     
  8. MrWray

    MrWray New Member

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    I had a friend call me one day and she told me that she was filling out this job application and one part had her stumped. She said that it asks if she is a "resident alien" and asked me what she should put on it. I asked her if she was from mexico and had a green card. She laughed and said NO, i said,then your not a resident alien. From then on i nicknamed her "Paco Sanchez".... I still call her that whenever i think about it, she still gets embarrassed and tells me to shut up

    She is also naturally blonde
     
  9. UrbanNinja

    UrbanNinja New Member

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    Speaking of blondes... anyone ever heard this before? :D

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAR-KUVBKso&feature=youtube_gdata_player
     
  10. MrWray

    MrWray New Member

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  11. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    Granddad comes home from the doctor and, though usually quite active with the grandchildren, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day. His son notices his dad avoiding the kids and asks why this is so. Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to his son. "Read that label, that's why!" The son takes the bottle and reads, "take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
     
  12. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
     
  13. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    A soldier was stationed abroad and received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: "Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim."

    The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: "Dear Kim, I'm so sorry but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave."
     
  14. kytowboater

    kytowboater Active Member

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    I've read that before, makes me laugh everytime.
     
  15. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
    'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The
    barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
    calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
    The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell
    you?'said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
    Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
    the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did
    you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

    The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar,
    the game's over!'
     
  16. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    Old John asks Willard, "Do you remember that stuff they used put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?"

    Willy says, "I think you mean salt peter!"

    John answers, "Yep, that's the stuff..............................Ya know by golly, I think it's finally starting to work!"
     
  17. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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  18. Zombiegirl

    Zombiegirl New Member

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    Thought this was funny.

    image-1238147536.jpg
     
  19. tri70

    tri70 New Member

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    A young man excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "OK, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" His mother replied, "I don't like her."
     
  20. Zombiegirl

    Zombiegirl New Member

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    When we made our gingerbread house, we put butt cheeks on the gingerbread man.

    image-2150766662.jpg