Female speech decoder

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by NGIB, Apr 8, 2010.

  1. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    We have a lot of young folks here so I thought I'd share a few tidbits from being married for over 32 years. Men are generally very stupid when it comes to the finer points of communication with the female of the species so here are a few easy ones:

    "You want." means "You want."

    "We need." means "I want."

    "It's your decision." means "The correct decision should be obvious by now even to you."

    "Do whatever you want." means "You'll pay dearly for this later."

    "We need to talk." means "I need to complain."

    "I'm not upset." means "Of course I'm upset, you moron."

    "You're...so manly." means "You need a shave and you really need a shower!"

    "I heard a noise." means "I noticed you were almost asleep..."

    "Do you love me?" means "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

    "You really should learn to communicate." means "Just agree with me, you idiot".

    "No." means "No."

    "Maybe." means "No."

    "Yes." probably means "No."

    "Nothing" definitely means "something!!!"

    "Go ahead and do it" means "go ahead and do it only if you're prepared to pay dearly for the rest of your married life!" (See "Do whatever you want." above, as they are very similar...)

    "Does this make me look fat?" means "Yeah, of course it does or you wouldn't have asked but even you can't possibly think I'm stupid enough to say so..."
     
  2. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    [​IMG]


    Hits so close to home...
     

  3. jbd

    jbd New Member

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    you are speaking the truth brother. ive been married 12 years and im finally learning those rules. lol
     
  4. saviorslegacy

    saviorslegacy New Member

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    -_- .........
    Do they not know how to communicate without speaking in riddles?
     
  5. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    Not to my knowledge, and I've been married to the same great lady for over 33 years (jeebus, said 32 - glad she doesn't read the forum) - and have 2 grown daughters.

    I'll never forget the time when I thought "Go ahead, do what you want" was really permission to do what I wanted.

    Can't believe I forgot my personal favorite:

    "I'm not mad" means "You better sleep with one eye open you no good Irish bastid"...
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2010
  6. ThorsHammer

    ThorsHammer New Member

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    Amen, brother. Been there, done that. Was married for 7 years to the same lady, got two kids together, see kids on weekends. She was unusually hard to decode compared to others of the female species mainly because she really truly believed I should be able to read her mind. Most women have some understanding that men don't function like that, so they cut us just a little bit of slack, but she was unforgiving! :D
     
  7. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

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    The truth fer shure.
     
  8. saviorslegacy

    saviorslegacy New Member

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    *is afraid of mariage....... O.O
     
  9. ThorsHammer

    ThorsHammer New Member

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    Don't be afraid of marriage. Be afraid of women. :eek::D:cool:
     
  10. Jess

    Jess New Member

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    LOL I would *like* to be able to stand up for the female half of our species. But the rules are as follows

    1-all women are crazy, no exceptions

    2-if you think you have found a non crazy woman refer to rule number one.
     
  11. ThorsHammer

    ThorsHammer New Member

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    And that's why we love you. That and the washing, mending of socks, and cooking. :D
     
  12. Jess

    Jess New Member

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    I'm cooking and doing the wash right now....how could you tell???:eek:
     
  13. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

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    If you think those bits of code are bad, I'm married to a Sicilian! Pray for me. ;)
     
  14. skullcrusher

    skullcrusher New Member

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    The Central American ones are no different. Jess' rule #1 applies to women of all heritages and races. I must say the current wife is LESS crazy than the first one who is redhead German. As far as sleeping with one eye open, I learned how to do that many moons ago. :D
     
  15. robocop10mm

    robocop10mm Lifetime Supporting Member Lifetime Supporter

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    ALL women are crazy...

    And all men are a$$holes..

    I can live with that.
     
  16. saviorslegacy

    saviorslegacy New Member

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    I was just called an a$$hole about 10 minutes ago..... -_-
     
  17. General_lee

    General_lee New Member

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    Thank you for this thread, NGIB!
    Women are so darn hard to figure out:(
     
  18. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

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    Hey, 33 years of wedded bliss and raising 2 daughters has to be worth something...
     
  19. Jeehs

    Jeehs New Member

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    Hopefully, I'll be able to put this to good use.... Unless they swap code.. Anyways, Thank you for the (Hopefully) Useful information.
     
  20. MoHawk

    MoHawk New Member

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    You guys are just learning how to understand women? I learned a long time ago, when you are arguing with a woman, whether you are right or you are wrong, YOU ARE WRONG