Epic cooking failures

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by winds-of-change, Jan 15, 2020 at 12:48 PM.

  1. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    4E9B9E01-4CC4-4901-94FC-A2F9F87C0557.jpeg Today I burned hard boiled eggs. I forgot I put them on when I woke up. Texted with my brother and sister for a while. Got in the shower. Then remembered. Rushed through my shower (and it’s never really quick because I still have a healing foot) and scooted to the kitchen soaking wet. The bottom of the pot was black. The eggs were browned. I haven’t peeled one yet.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020 at 2:02 PM
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  2. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    Many years ago, my newly married sister in law tried to make some fudge. I don’t remember what she did wrong, maybe cooked it too long, but it was solid as a stone. And very shiny. My brother and my cousin were tossing it around and we were all laughing until it fell to the floor and shattered. My sister in law was mad. I wanted to take it home and use it as a cutting board.
     
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  3. TimKS

    TimKS Well-Known Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Are you saying you don't like boiled eggs with a little bark on them? :D
     
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  4. JTJ

    JTJ Well-Known Member Supporter

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    A very long time ago my wife made chili. I am pretty sure the sauce she used was bad so it really wasn't her fault it ate the teflon off of the pot.
     
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  5. Rifling82

    Rifling82 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I left the cardboard under a frozen pizza once:p
     
  6. boatme98

    boatme98 Well-Known Member

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    My father made pasta fagioli once. Well, three times.
    He put the beans in a blender and put the lid on tightly. He hit the button and the lid and half the beans blew up to the ceiling!
    Undaunted and perhaps unthinking, he reloaded and refired. Whoops. More cleaning. My mom was busting a gut!
    The third time he had sense enough to hold the lid and let it vent slightly.
     
  7. austin92

    austin92 Well-Known Member

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    I wish women my age cooked.... lol
     
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  8. sheriffjohn

    sheriffjohn Well-Known Member Supporter

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    "Management" (my wife) is an excellent preparer of all things edible. Locally famous, in fact, for her efforts. However, one piece of advice - if your cook makes a dish you don't like, tell them. Otherwise, you'll see it served again. And again. And again.

    No item of her clothing makes her look fat when she asks. Not the same sort of question because I don't have to eat her clothes. When the Bassett Hound won't eat the leftovers, that casserole recipe needs to be shredded. "Fails" are also evidenced when a dish is untouched following a pot luck dinner. Food is very important to a long marriage. So is food honesty. Some leftovers are ok after a rest in the icebox, others not so much.
     
  9. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    We had a surplus of tomatoes one year, and my lady was motivated by the Pioneer Woman thingy- and decided to make and can..... ketchup. Well, what the hell- we have a houseful of kids that go thru ketchup by the bucketful- sure, why not? She found what looked like a pretty good recipe- tomatoes, onions, honey instead of sugar, salt, a crapload of spice- and 6 cloves of garlic. I found her laying out and prepping all her ingredients- and found she had 6 BULBS of garlic. ………….Ummm- honey, what is a clove of garlic? *One of these* Ummm…. nope.

    We got the recipe corrected (English women are strangers to garlic) and the ketchup turned out pretty good. If we had not caught the disconnect, that stuff would have killed vampires at 100 yards.
     
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  10. partdeux

    partdeux Well-Known Member

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    Aunt drove down (90 miles) for Thanksgiving and brought two pumpkin pies. Wife made a couple of pies too... Oldest daughter took a bite of Aunt Lou's pie, and said, mommy do I have to eat this? Of course wife said yes, you took it, you have to eat it. My mom took a bite and said, Lou, what did you do to this pie, it's awful, and then looked at the oldest and said no honey, you don't have to eat this.
     
  11. JTJ

    JTJ Well-Known Member Supporter

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    My wife put a piece of pizza in the microwave and hit 45 minutes instead of 45 seconds. Took over an hour to get the alarms to shut up. We have a monitored alarm system and they almost sent the fire department.
     
  12. JTJ

    JTJ Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Our son had to teach his wife to cook. She couldn't boil water without burning it. When I was in high school the girls had to take home economics while the guys took shop. 50's were very straight laced and gender roles were strict.
     
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  13. sheriffjohn

    sheriffjohn Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Desirable old man was invited to Sunday dinner by an old lady in his church. He brought crappie filets which she fried just fine. It was the fish gravy that Spot told me was about the worst cooked thing he ever tasted.
     
  14. SRK97

    SRK97 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I habitually take the fire alarms down before I start cooking. One time my ma made rice pudding with garlic flavored rice, that was pretty weird.
     
  15. Maser

    Maser Well-Known Member

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    I don't think anyone can top the cooking style of Masaokis. :D
    CAUTION: SWEARING
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2020 at 8:25 AM
  16. winds-of-change

    winds-of-change The Balota's Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    When my son was about 12, he wanted me to make some brownies. I was too tired and told him I had a box in the cabinet and he could make them. I hear him clattering around in the kitchen then I hear him say “Mom, I need some help”. He had his hands up above the bowl totally covered in brownie batter. I asked him what the heck are you doing? He answered, the directions said mix by hand. He didn’t know that meant mix with a spoon, not an electric mixer. I guess that’s how one learns. He was a bit mad that I laughed.
    My granddaughter did that with a hot dog when she was about 7. Her Mom said give it 30 seconds. She gave it 30 minutes in the microwave. But my daughter caught it before it burned.
     
  17. danf_fl

    danf_fl Retired Supporter

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    I should not admit this in public, but here goes:

    The wife asked me to help with cooking sometimes. Well, the "sometime" came up. I burned stuff, made a mess in the kitchen sink, set the table incorrectly (like white glasses for red wine, forks and knives in wrong position, etc...), over salted the food I prepared, and things like that.

    She got upset and the fight started. I ended up telling her that she asked for my assistance and got it. If my cooking is not good enough for her, then she can do it herself.

    After eating Tex-Mex a couple of days, she cooled off and never asked me to cook again.
     
  18. RJF22553

    RJF22553 Well-Known Member

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    Our DIL - a great gal normally - declared she would prepare dinner for us (five of us) to give my wife a "break". That was welcomed.

    Then.

    One of the meals she prepared came in a plastic dish, clearly marked "for microwave only". She put it in the oven at 450°. It melted, caught fire, set off the smoke detectors, and made a major mess of things. One could argue that away with inexperience, but she was in her mid-40s and had been cooking for our kid for years, and pretty much fashioned herself as a chef. Despite her gallant efforts, it took a few months before we could bake in the oven without some sort of melted plastic smell.

    To be sure, she is good at various things and probably very proficient in her own kitchen. She taught our kid to love sushi - something totally impossible given his up-bringing...
     
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  19. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member Admin Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    Ft. Benning GA. There on TDY, staying in the Visiting officer's Quarters. In the middle of a cluster of Allied Students- officers from other nations. Who had never learned to cook. I would toss a pizza in the oven of our group kitchen. Come back to find a chicken on the rack above my pizza. No pan, just a chicken. 3 of them decided to grill a steak on top of the stove. Turn electric burner to high, drop steak on burner (did make interesting grill marks)
     
  20. Wambli

    Wambli Well-Known Member

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    I lived in a condo complex many moons ago and I had 3 smoked ham hocks boiling so I could make Cajun beans. My buddy calls me to have a beer with him in his condo in the building next to mine so I figured, he’ll I have time. Went to his place had a few beers and as usual got caught up in conversation with him. All of a sudden he points at my condo window and he says “That’s smoke coming out of your window!!!”.

    I ran back to my place to find out the water had boiled out and now the fat and what was left of the ham hocks was basically turning into charcoal in the pot. The apartment was so thick with smoke (no smoke alarms back then and thank God no fire) that I could barely see my way to the kitchen.

    My young wife chewed my ear off and let me have it for about 4 weeks which is about as long as it took to air out the place and get rid of MOST of the smoke smell.