Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Discussion in 'The Club House' started by IGETEVEN, Jun 9, 2010.


    IGETEVEN New Member

    Thought this was funny, I wanted to share, and there just seems to be a little truth in the humor. :)

    Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

    1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

    2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

    3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

    4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

    5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

    6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Bronze Stars.

    7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning it's heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

    8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

    9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

    10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

    13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

    14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

    15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

    16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

    17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

    18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

    19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

    21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

    22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

    23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

    24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

  2. cpttango30

    cpttango30 New Member

    Combat Heavy Engineer: First digs hole 5000 times bigger than snake. Then does environmental impact study on digging hole. Marks all 4 corners of said hole with GPS drives stakes at all four corner and ties Engineer tape (Tape that doesn't stick) to stakes on three sides so no one walks or falls or drives into hole. Blows up snake with 35# of TNT set off by 8# of C4. Does hands across the desert to find snake parts. Plays taps from TV and Computer in back of 5-ton while burying snake in hole above. Tasks M-9 ACE and tries to back fill hole. ACE breaks down blowing 5 of the 2985 hydraulic lines. Calls in real Engineers with track hoe, D-7 dozers and grader. Fills hole compacts and grades to perfect smoothness then. Replants all vegetation. Called other company and builds concrete shrine to snake. Once done CO pulls up with BBQ attached to back of HMMWV and a 144 qt ice chest full of steaks and beer. Engineers party all night eating good to do it all over again tomorrow.....

    Thats the way a REAL combat engineer does it.
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2010

  3. NGIB

    NGIB New Member

    Great stuff Jack. You forgot one:

    25. Air Force guy. Never saw snake as he was in the BX (PX) buying sunscreen & chapstick...
  4. Dillinger

    Dillinger New Member


    That is funny right there. Probably because some of it it true... :p
  5. doctherock

    doctherock New Member

    No no no you have it all wrong. Us Air Force guys would have been too drunk to care.
  6. CA357

    CA357 New Member Supporter

    Air Force calls civilian contractor to handle dispatch of snake. Returns to NCO Club and resumes cribbage game.
  7. skullcrusher

    skullcrusher New Member

    CIA locates snake after bribing snake's neighbors and family with money from sales of weapons sold to the enemies of the snake. The snake disappears mysteriously in the middle of the night along with the nieghbors and family. The CIA 'encourages' information from the snake regarding the operations of other snakes. The CIA loses valuable leads and refuses to share any info with other anti-snake agencies. The snake is promised US citizenship but later transferred to a 'document processing center' where the snake is never heard from again. The CIA later claims to know nothing of the snake or even what a snake is.
  8. c3shooter

    c3shooter Administrator Staff Member

    You forgot the MPs-

    Enter woods with shotguns and 2 K-9 teams. Expend 100 rounds of buckshot and 1 case of 9mm ball. 2 hours later, they appear on the edge of the woods, dragging a rabbit with 2 black eyes. Rabbit is screaming "OK! OK! I'm a snake!"