I just took a summer job as a life guard, and need advice on how to carry either my Taurus Judge or my .44 mag Desert Eagle in my bathing suit. It has to be concealed, as I don't have a carry license because I'm still on parole from that unfortunate incident at the Tupperware convention, but since I've been self-medicating with street drugs the neighbor's dog told me I'm a lot calmer. I haven't been able to practice much recently, but I do have a lot of experience with firearms from playing call of duty -- much better than a shooting range, as you can do it sitting down and eating pizza with a 12 pack of malt liquor. (Hey, does anyone know what these green pills are?) Although sometimes it does get sorta lonely here in the basement, and I wish I could find a cute female who's into guns to come over and rack my slide . . . hello, yellow pills . . . where was I? Seriously, where was I? Todays been sort of a blur . . . is it Thursday yet?