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Your Campaigning Platform: What would it be?

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Old 10-07-2010, 08:08 PM   #1
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Default Your Campaigning Platform: What would it be?

You will notice this is NOT in the political sections. That is by design, not accident.

I can't swing a dead cat anymore without seeing, hearing and being assaulted by a barriage of campaign promises and name calling by all the folks running for office. Quite frankly if you are dumb enough to think that someone running for a State position is going to change the economy, you got another thing coming.

As such, there will be no real solutions in this thread. No "I am going to fix immigration, no lower taxes, no deporting immigrants will be my top priority". None of that BS, which is why this isn't in the political section.

I want your honest Campaign Platform. Something you can hang your hat on and it has to be completely pointless and achieving next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. So, pretty much like real campaigners, but with wit and charm.

I'm JD and I am running on the platform that when elected the following will be mandatory:

Pepper shakers will have holes LARGER than the salt shaker. Pepper is larger than salt. Get with the facts restaurantiers!

In addition, no one will be allowed to "refill" ketchup bottles. If the damn thing is empty, throw it in the recycle bin and open a new one.

In addition, Sexy Panty Monday will be mandatory. Monday needs to have SOMETHING that will make people look forward to it.

I'm JD and I approve of this thread.
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Old 10-07-2010, 08:22 PM   #2
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Free gas, food, houses, healthcare,'re serious, I thought you wanted a demon-krat list??

Get her dirty, then clean her so she starts to respect you. When her trust is complete, she will serve you well for a lifetime!

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Old 10-07-2010, 08:25 PM   #3
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You didn't even read the first post did you?
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Old 10-07-2010, 08:35 PM   #4
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As I look at the other candidates histories while they were in office, and hear of the lies being told that are absorbed by the unknowing, I hereby provide this as the plank for my campaign:

I am not like them.
Amendment II:
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

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Old 10-07-2010, 08:36 PM   #5
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I promise to go into the office every now and then in between junkets.

I will pad my expense account.

I will have a Corvette as my official car and the largest SUV possible for my wife. The citizenry will pay for gas & maintenance since these are "official" vehicles.

My wife will be paid grandly as a "consultant".

I promise not to store my graft/bribery payments in the freezer.

I will only steal and lie as much as necessary, always maintaining and upholding the dignity of my office and fostering the appearance of propriety.

I will wear really nice, really expensive clothes. (see "expense account" promise above)

There's more, a veritable plethora of deliciousness and duplicity to come as I have merely scratched the surface of venality in the public sector.

Long live the elite ruling class! As for the rest of you peasants, you don't have a clue what's good for you. I will protect you from yourselves.
“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.”Samuel Adams
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Old 10-07-2010, 08:38 PM   #6
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I promise that if elected that the opening day of hunting season will be declared a federal holiday!
It's like paradise on Earth, enriched with the ever so sweet nectar of
elk urine.

When you're out there by yourself, you become who you really are.
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Old 10-07-2010, 08:48 PM   #7
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No New Czars! From now on, we call them agency directors. And another thing: From now on, homeless people will be solicited for the word-today-pay-today job of picking up trash from public areas and roadways; as a bonus, they are encouraged to keep any recyclables they find. Also, the Roman Coliseum will be brought back as a way to punish those convicted of cruelty to animals or children using confiscated fight dogs and "armor" made of expired hotdogs (lions for repeat offenders). Further, all airline travellers would be freed from the annoyances of the TSA screeners; airline security would involve fully nude passengers (jog some laps tubby) and tazer-equipped traytables. I have some ideas for the IRS too, but that can be a surprise mostly, but the new motto will be "close enough for government work".

I will spare you the "chicken in every pot" play on words, but you know it doesn't involve poultry...not usually anyway.
Dead Bears, the only good kind.
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Old 10-07-2010, 10:13 PM   #8
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If elected, I promise everything but guarantee nothing!

I will defend the Constitution as long as it doesn't get in the way of my making 20 Million my first year in office.

I will protect myself with armed security while denying you the right to defend yourself, your family and your property.

I promise a livable income for everyone, working or not and I will place no further tax burden on the American public in doing this.

Thank You for your VOTE, and remember; "Things are getting better, things are getting better every day!!"
People get the government they deserve.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:50 PM   #9
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I Dicky0331, if elected will rid this great nation of Mondays altogether. Replacing it with teddyday, requiring all attractive ladies to wear sexy attire while out of the house! Canidate Dillinger only wants sexy panties, selling the average "Joe" short of what he deserves! Also I promise to open Ohio's deer season to include rifles to gun season, as every man needs every option to fill the freezer to it's limit!

I am Dicky0331 and I approve this message.
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"on the seventh day god created the model 700 for killing dinosaurs."
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Old 10-08-2010, 12:05 AM   #10
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Sugar in cornbread would be a capital offense.
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