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Gatekeeper 07-04-2011 03:45 AM

Worldwide Alert Status *funny*
 
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011
By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yest erday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottom s so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

CA357 07-04-2011 04:14 AM

I like it! :D

doctherock 07-04-2011 04:19 AM

That was great.

buckhuntr 07-04-2011 04:52 AM

I imagine it would take imminent nuclear conflict to actually cancel the barbie. Or maybe an actual nuclear attack on Melbourne would be required for that dire state.;)

AusLach 07-04-2011 04:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buckhuntr (Post 534192)
I imagine it would take imminent nuclear conflict to actually cancel the barbie. Or maybe an actual nuclear attack on Melbourne would be required for that dire state.;)

Melbourne?!? Meh, feel free to nuke it! :D

buckhuntr 07-04-2011 04:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AusLach (Post 534194)
Melbourne?!? Meh, feel free to nuke it! :D

So what would warrant cancelling the barbie? Anything?:eek:

AusLach 07-04-2011 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buckhuntr (Post 534196)
So what would warrant cancelling the barbie? Anything?:eek:

One thing....


:D


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