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Wife's health issues and latest surgery


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Old 08-19-2017, 03:04 PM   #31
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partdeux, my sister did something truly horrible, which I will not go into.
I hated her for it. I refused to even speak to her again after this.
Then one day a few years ago, the thought hit me -
I am an old man, and she is considerably older than I am.
One day, she will be gone - and will die with me hating her and refusing to communicate with her.
I forgave her - NOT EASY, but I did.
I called her and we talked.
We are now friends on facebook, and communicate regularly.
I still cannot understand what she did, but I have actually forgiven her for it; she is my sister, blood of my blood -
And hard as it is, this is MUCH better than that seething hatred.

Work at it.
You really need to.
I agree. To me, family is everything............
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Considering that she's a big contributor to mom dying, that in itself is enough... but the fact she and mom's best friend conspired to hold mom's memorial service months later and not invite me is unforgivable. When I attempted to talk to her after I found out about it, she was laughing and bragging. So sorry, there will be no reconciliation.
but sometimes the other family member makes that impossible.
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Old 08-19-2017, 03:25 PM   #32
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Considering that she's a big contributor to mom dying, that in itself is enough... but the fact she and mom's best friend conspired to hold mom's memorial service months later and not invite me is unforgivable. When I attempted to talk to her after I found out about it, she was laughing and bragging. So sorry, there will be no reconciliation.
Not everything is forgivable, nor should everything be forgivable. Doesn't matter if it's family or not, especially if associating with such a family member causes stress.
Not forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to continue hating them.
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Old 08-19-2017, 03:57 PM   #33
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forgiveness isn't always about the other person, but yourself.

by forgiving someone for their transgressions towards you, doesn't matter whether they reconcile with you, just that you have reconciled with yourself and given up the hate and the anger towards them.

hate is heavy burden to carry.
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Old 08-20-2017, 07:10 AM   #34
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forgiveness isn't always about the other person, but yourself.

by forgiving someone for their transgressions towards you, doesn't matter whether they reconcile with you, just that you have reconciled with yourself and given up the hate and the anger towards them.

hate is heavy burden to carry.
So very true.

I didn't forgive the driver who hit my car in 1993, until he was about 7 years in on a 25 year sentence for vehicular manslaughter. I didn't forgive him for him. I forgave him for me, and for his family.

It was the hardest 3 words I have ever spoken, and the hardest thing I have ever done, given what I lost that night. Most importantly, it allowed me to forgive myself.

And yes, I know how f#@%ed up that sounds, but it is the truth of the matter. I carried part of the blame for what happened that night, on my shoulders, as I had chosen the road to her house to change for the party, and we chose to leave early to get there.

I dealt with a Lot of "What ifs", as any small change would have shifted the point of impact. I lived with that for a lot of years, and I still have times, even now, that that still bothers me.\

however, I also know that some things happen for a reason, and my life has gone according to His plan. And I'm happy with where I am and what I have.

there was a point in my life that my mother and i spent close to 3 years not speaking to each other, over something I did, and something she said. dad forced us to deal with each other one day, and we did work it out.

If it wasn't for that, she would not have the DIL and grand daughter she had when she passed, and I wouldn't have had the chance to say goodbye, or the years in between working with her at her shop.

had we never moved past what happened between us, I would have a lot of regrets over it.
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Old 08-20-2017, 09:18 AM   #35
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So very true.

I didn't forgive the driver who hit my car in 1993, until he was about 7 years in on a 25 year sentence for vehicular manslaughter. I didn't forgive him for him. I forgave him for me, and for his family.

It was the hardest 3 words I have ever spoken, and the hardest thing I have ever done, given what I lost that night. Most importantly, it allowed me to forgive myself.

And yes, I know how f#@%ed up that sounds, but it is the truth of the matter. I carried part of the blame for what happened that night, on my shoulders, as I had chosen the road to her house to change for the party, and we chose to leave early to get there.

I dealt with a Lot of "What ifs", as any small change would have shifted the point of impact. I lived with that for a lot of years, and I still have times, even now, that that still bothers me.\

however, I also know that some things happen for a reason, and my life has gone according to His plan. And I'm happy with where I am and what I have.

there was a point in my life that my mother and i spent close to 3 years not speaking to each other, over something I did, and something she said. dad forced us to deal with each other one day, and we did work it out.

If it wasn't for that, she would not have the DIL and grand daughter she had when she passed, and I wouldn't have had the chance to say goodbye, or the years in between working with her at her shop.

had we never moved past what happened between us, I would have a lot of regrets over it.
i totally understand!

only my hate and anger were directed at my first wife, and the mother of my children. now, over the years, i have had my fair share of women who have s**t in my sandbox, and left the mess for me to clean up! but, my anger and hate were no so much for myself, but as for the two children she walked out on.

i did finally after many years decide to forgive her and to let go of the hate and anger. now i'm kind of ashamed at the evil things that i wished upon her. for years, because of my own hate, it caused my children to hater her. this wasn't good. we all have moved past it now. it wasn't easy, but we did it. they have learned to accept the fact that she is just cut out to be a mother, and that she cares more about herself and it wasn't anything of their fault for why she is the way she is.

after well over thirty years later and two fine grown children, who had no real input or involvement in their lives, we have also accepted that she is probably never ever going to change. not a thing any of us can do to change that. but we are happy, and not burdened by hate or anger anymore. and trust me, forgiving that woman for what she did to her children was one of the hardest things i ever did as a father. but i also felt like huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after i did.
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Old 08-20-2017, 07:12 PM   #36
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i totally understand!

only my hate and anger were directed at my first wife, and the mother of my children. now, over the years, i have had my fair share of women who have s**t in my sandbox, and left the mess for me to clean up! but, my anger and hate were no so much for myself, but as for the two children she walked out on.

i did finally after many years decide to forgive her and to let go of the hate and anger. now i'm kind of ashamed at the evil things that i wished upon her. for years, because of my own hate, it caused my children to hater her. this wasn't good. we all have moved past it now. it wasn't easy, but we did it. they have learned to accept the fact that she is just cut out to be a mother, and that she cares more about herself and it wasn't anything of their fault for why she is the way she is.

after well over thirty years later and two fine grown children, who had no real input or involvement in their lives, we have also accepted that she is probably never ever going to change. not a thing any of us can do to change that. but we are happy, and not burdened by hate or anger anymore. and trust me, forgiving that woman for what she did to her children was one of the hardest things i ever did as a father. but i also felt like huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after i did.
I've heard this put a few different ways over the years, and I think the premise applies here.

"Father is a fifteen minute commitment. Dad is a lifelong commitment. there is a world of difference between Father and Dad."

The same could be said for Mother and Mom, with the difference being a 9 month commitment.

by the time my divorce came up, i was able to admit to myself that I played a part in getting my marriage to where it was, and I chalked it up to a learning experience. It taught me what NOT to do, if the next time came around. The simple fact of the matter is, I am not an easy man to love, or to live with, so I took my share of swings at that wedge as well.

She didn't admit to her part until a few years ago, instead saying I caused it all. And yes, that p!ssed me off to no end. She also tends to act withpout thinking things through, which has led to me just not talking to her more than once over the last 16 years.

I got a text one day from her that was bragging about her 3rd kid, and how she was so happy to have him, even with the turmoil of the divorce from husband #2. Now, I have to ask, if you had a newborn, and an ex who wanted kids, and couldn't have one, is that a text you would send to them?

Personally, i would not do that, but then again, I know how much that still stings, even as a stepfather.

but the one thing that has never changed is this. I do still love her, and count her as a friend. i would still fight to protect her or her kids, and I know, if the chips were down, she would be there for me if i needed her there. i can say that she does as good of a job as most folks do, as a mom, as kids don't come with instruction manuals.

every parent knows that that is all we really can do, as we are learning on the job, and that job never ends.

just as it is with men, some women are just good parents right off the bat, and some aren't. Being a parent means that your child, by birth or by choice, is priority one.

Anyone who is fertuile can be a mother of a father.

It takes a whole lot more to be a Mom or Dad.
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Old 08-20-2017, 09:22 PM   #37
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I agree. To me, family is everything............


but sometimes the other family member makes that impossible.
Can't agree Winds . My family turn reborn fanaticle Christians when I was eight years old . These people scared me to death watching them flop around the floor and speaking weird nonsense ! I was ready to call 911 , I thought it was a seizure .....!

I payed dearly for that one and all I did was being young and ignorant , i was grounded all summer !

My sister even today by little offensive things I say will send her off running to her bible ! She lives in absolute terror !

I think she's clinically insane .....!

By not joining their over the edge group ,they set me out a log time ago !

I will not live in terror !

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Old 08-20-2017, 09:27 PM   #38
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There is NO wacko like a religious wacko. Anything taken to extremes = stupid.
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Old 08-21-2017, 01:19 AM   #39
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Wife didn't turn off her phone...

Friday, he called not knowing what was reality, vs what he believed. A friend of her brother was able to go sit with him.

Saturday, he ended up with a full on panic attack.

He called on Sunday while we were out, and didn't leave a message, she didn't call him back.

She's started internet searching on homes.
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