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Dillinger 08-27-2009 08:24 PM

Truisms as I Get Older
 
TRUISMS:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realizeyou're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to havefun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks whenthey've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going inthe complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? Butinstead of just turninga 180 and walking back in the direction from whichyou came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone ormake a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in thesurrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on thesidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. Thisrecently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never beending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix theproblem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fixthe problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We justfigured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenlyrealize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomesstressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutesshiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the rightparts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecondearlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish atext.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread ofmono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test isabsolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hearis "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod andsmile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up toprevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctivelyswerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I knowhow to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the persondied.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the showerfirst and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, andyou can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile ispublic I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BBgun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring wouldprobably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go aroundand say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work whenyou've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want tohave to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going todie after leaning your chair back a little too far.

The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if Iwant to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I didnot make any changes to.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), butwhen I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then Ilike about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.

Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed forpedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but nomatter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not knowwhat time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answerwhen they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I findout that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact thatI was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to withit.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw theyhad included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at therestaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and thenestimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such alarge amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing likebeing made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in apocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd betmy ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, inabout 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4 year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? :eek::eek:

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on MSN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drivebehind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

spittinfire 08-27-2009 08:39 PM

Very true, very true. Especailly this one...

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

I remember my senior year in high school, there was a clear difference in the freshman class. I was talking to a football coach one day and he said, "I hope they're making money because they sure are advertising awfully hard."

orangello 08-27-2009 08:46 PM

Good Post!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dillinger (Post 151847)
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer history if you die.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

A parent of a good friend of mine passed away a few years ago after what sounded like a fulfilling & adventurous life; a few days later, the family discovered a hole where something had been dug up beside the tool shed. Friends. (I have three different people lined up to remove a certain storage trunk from my home when i pass.)

The author of that second statement has obviously never ridden in heavy traffic with any female member of my family. Pants can get dirty. ;)

IGETEVEN 08-27-2009 09:06 PM

Nice post JD. Damn, I thought I was the only one that thought about this kind of stuff. My wife thinks I am crazy as a sh!thouse rat........well I am........sort of, when I say things like this to her. It's good to know I am not alone in my cognitive, but rational to me, thought processes. :)

Jack

user4 08-27-2009 09:46 PM

Ok...where did you steal this from?

Hawg 08-27-2009 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ineffable (Post 151882)
Ok...where did you steal this from?

Don't matter. It's good and most of it is spot on.

Dillinger 08-27-2009 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ineffable (Post 151882)
Ok...where did you steal this from?

Steal is such an ugly word. Why you got to come at me like that? :(

This was sent to me by another person who found so much truth in those statements, she could not HELP but send it out to a couple of select people. I, in turn, wanted to share it with you folks....

NGIB 08-27-2009 11:19 PM

It's truly amazing how you're perspective of the world changes as you get older. I don't think you get more cynical necessarily - you just become more of a realist. Love the list!

Major Kusanagi 08-28-2009 03:14 AM

Wow...just wow.

I am only 24 years old, and I agree with that list. Darn, I'm going to hate to see how I feel when I reach my 30s. :(

AcidFlashGordon 08-28-2009 04:11 AM

Quote:

There is a great need for sarcasm font.
A truer statement never existed. Beats the hell out of the [sarcasm]sarcasm[/sarcasm] tagging.

Quote:

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
I'll agree with that. When I was in high school, if the girl's dress was more than 1" above the knee, they were sent home to change it. Dress code, hair cut regulations...Seniors are Great. 68!

Quote:

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work whenyou've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Those moments have been coming more and more lately. But I'm getting transferred to another system where the lead tech isn't a puttering, scatter-brained dick.

Quote:

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I don't use the snooze button during the work week but if I happen to set the alarm on the weekend, you bet your ass I find that snooze button!

Quote:

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
The fridge I had for 23 years didn't have a freezer light. The new one I bought does.


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