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Old 01-21-2010, 03:18 PM   #1
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Default Torturing Tango: The BOB Novel

Since it seems to be BOB week, and since I haven't screwed with him in the last three days, here are the rules.

I will start with a SHTF scenario. I will dip Tango knee deep in some impossible situation, and the next poster writes how Tango utilizes his BOB to get out of it. If you are using a specific brand of product, post a pic.

But wait. Once you have rescued Tango, you have to drop him in something worse, and the next poster continues the process.

I thought about doing this to IGETEVEN, but I would probably write him into the worst crap possible, and the story would end with him in control of my bank account, wearing my slippers, and sleeping with my mother.

So Tango it is.

All may post, except Tango.

Remember, situation, rescue, worse situation.

I'll start.



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Old 01-21-2010, 03:27 PM   #2
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The sun was setting over the hills in the Commonwealth of Virginia, casting it's last rays on the small town Tango called home. He was stuffed and drowsy, and a hearty belch brought back one more taste of the whistle pig stew he had polished off an hour before.

He picked the last blackberry seed from betwixt two teeth, an fond reminder of the cobbler he had created to complement the meal.

As the sun cast it's last rays, his eyes picked up movement at the base of a hill.

He blew it off, returned to the house, and sat in front of the computer. Checking his favorite forum, he saw an odd new thread.

"Truckload of anabolic steroids crashes into shipment of Geoducks"

"What effin douche has a truckload of gooey ducks, anyways?" he said aloud, when a slimy, incredibly long siphon crashed through the window.

"S**T!!!", he yelled, ran to the closet, grabbed his BOB, and flew out the door....



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Old 01-21-2010, 04:00 PM   #3
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Tango thought fast, them damn things are ugly, slimy, nasty, big ol' versions of penis shaped snails..........wait, he looked in his BOB and out came the 5 pound bag of salt he had for curing, cooking and trading. Quickly he made his way around back with the bag and climbed on the roof, positioning himself directly over the slimy POS. He reached for his knife a Ka-Bar Machete, and sliced open the bag, and flailed it out and over the exposed skin section of the giant slug. As soon as the salt hit the Geoduck, the skin started to bubble and hiss. A great plume of gas erupted from the melting creatures skin, as it wiggled around melting in pain from the salt bath. Just a pile of mush and jelly was left with a half shell.

Alright I win again, them nasty pieces of ssh...........just than Tangle looked up and down the road, and to his horror, he saw more, many more of these hideous, vile creature's heading his way and the one in front was bigger than this one he just killed.

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Last edited by IGETEVEN; 01-21-2010 at 05:48 PM. Reason: added knife and spelling
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Old 01-21-2010, 04:06 PM   #4
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Tango made it to a truck. He bailed into it, and hit the road, looking to make it anywhere, as long as it was away from the large mollusks that took his farm.

He noticed a can of tamales on the floorboard, picked them up, and got hungry again.

He reached into his BOB, and pulled out his P-38 can opener. Small, but built like a tank, he ripped through the can, and polished off the tamales with gusto.

The truck hit a patch of slime in the road, hurtling Tango into a tree, where the cloak of unconsciousness veiled his vision...



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Old 01-21-2010, 04:19 PM   #5
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Luckily Tango's BOB was still draped over his shoulder when awoke and shook away the birdies circling his head. Looking at the burning truck and the two Geoducks ablaze in the leaking fuel, he cursed his giant slimy nemesis. Fumbling through his pack, he retrieved the roller blades of his youth and again stuck out for the safe house he'd planned on for just such an emergency.

Making it back onto the road, Tango took one last look toward the farm he'd once called home only to see the horror of Zombie hordes riding the backs of the hated Geoducks.



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Old 01-21-2010, 04:36 PM   #6
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Oh, sweet Jesus...

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Old 01-21-2010, 04:59 PM   #7
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Definately, The "Tango Blades of Fury"!! Well done Troy!

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Old 01-22-2010, 03:37 AM   #8
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Barking out his battle cry..."come and get some you effen douches"...Tango again reaches into his trusty BOB and retrieves the newest addition to his battle cache...the tomahawk. He races through the zombie-laden geoducks slashing and hacking...zombie flesh and blood fill the air as Tango, a human cuisinart, purees the deadly denizons into a mollusk zombie bisque.



Catching his breath and surveying his work Tango notices movement in the valley below...could it be..no way. Advancing towards him is the most horrible of horrors...mall ninjas! Hundreds of them decked out in surplus fatigues sporting bling laden ARs...leading the charge...Waterman!

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Old 01-22-2010, 06:00 AM   #9
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Tango was thinking "Thank Odin that my BOB has the capacity of a clown car" as he reached down in there and grabbed his Barrett .50.

This far and no further you kid touchin' douchebags he yelled as he locked and loaded. Using some Kentucky windage, an infuriated Tango set to knockin down those sissy boy wannabe's like a pinball machine on crack.

Down and down they fell until finally one of them screamed "That's it, we quit, we're going back to my parents basement for milk and cookies and more Call of Duty video gaming, it doesn't hurt as much."

It was a good thing too as the crazed Tango was down to his last magazine. However, he owed Dillinger 100 scalps, so he headed down into the fallen mallninja's, grabbed his titanium hunting knife and proceeded to collect the hairy bounty.

In fact, Tango was so engrossed in his task, even whistling while he worked, that he let his guard down a bit. Big mistake, because the next thing he knew...

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Old 01-22-2010, 02:42 PM   #10
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he was being molested by a whistle pig that had eaten a steroid soaked gooey duck. He managed to shift before the amorous beast could close the deal, but now he was on his back.

We go now to Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg for what happened next....

Mike: Joe, alot of exciting things are happening in the UFC wild animal division.

Joe: Yeah, these guys are evolving into true mixed martial artists. Right now, pig is inside Tango's rubber guard. Tango looks gassed.

Mike: Pig is raining down elbows, a nasty cut has opened on Tango's head.

Joe: Pig has some sick ground and pound. Tango is just sort of rolling back and forth, Mario Yamasaki is gonna stop this one.

Mike: Tango is cut worse than Tiger Wood's endorsements. He's reaching into a BOB, he pulled out a pocket chainsaw, has it wrapped around pig's neck...

Joe: OHHH!!! He just twisted and popped Pig's head off! He's bloodied, he has a terrible cut, but he's out of trouble.

Dana White: That effin guy is an effin douche. Pocket chainsaws are clearly not alloed, but he effin did as he pleased. He's no fighter, his defense had more effin holes than Brock's intestine. But he's the effin winner, I guess.





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