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The Crunchbird - Circa 1971
A man named Charlie was walking down the street one sunny Saturday when he came across a pet shop that had just opened its doors. Charlie's faithful dog of fifteen years had just passed away and he missed him very much, so he decided to take a look inside the shop and, perhaps, watch the little puppies play with each other. He took one step inside the door and stopped short, absolutely captivated by what he saw.
Behind the counter, in a giant gilded cage, was the most magnificent bird that Charlie had ever seen. Its feathers were splashed with every color in the rainbow and then some. It bobbed its stately head up and down and whistled a song so sweet it almost made Charlie cry. He simply had to know more about the bird.
He walked up to the woman behind the counter. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, politely. "What is the name of that glorious bird behind you?"
"Oh, that?" asked the clerk, with a warm smile. "That's the Crunch Bird."
"The Crunch Bird?" Charlie repeated, scratching his head. "Why is it called the Crunch Bird?"
He saw a twinkle in the clerk's eyes. "Watch this," she said. She turned and opened the cage door, and the bird made no attempt to escape. Next, she went into the back room and came back out with a wooden chair. She placed this in the center of the room. "Now, stand back," she said to Charlie, and they both retreated to the far corner of the shop. "Crunch Bird," she said. "Chair."
The Crunch Bird immediately left it's cage, circled around the room once and descended upon the chair with a hideous fury, ripping it to shreds. When nothing was left but wood chips and sawdust, the bird calmly returned to its cage.
"That was amazing!" Charlie exclaimed. "I simply must have that bird!"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but it's not for sale."
Charlie would not take no for an answer. He begged and pleaded, told her money was no object and even told her about his recently deceased dog. Finally, the clerk relented and let Charlie have the Crunch Bird, cage and all.
When Charlie got his new pet home, he immediately called up his best friend, Bill, and invited him over. Moment's later, Bill and Charlie stood in the garage. Charlie had pushed a beautiful and very expensive mahogany desk out into the middle of the area. He turned to Bill. "Now, watch this."
He walked over to the Crunch Bird's cage, opened the door and said, "Crunch Bird, desk." Just as before, the bird left its cage, flew around the room once and descended on the desk. When nothing was left but wood chips and sawdust, the bird calmly returned to its cage.
Just then, Charlie's wife pulled into the driveway. She got out of the car, opened the garage door and was furious at what she saw. "Charlie! Are you responsible for this mess?!"
"It wasn't me! It was the Crunch Bird!"
She stomped her foot and shouted, "Crunch bird,!" Clearly not amused by the response. "My Ass!"