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Old 10-09-2013, 03:07 PM   #11
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This crap is awful. I want my money back!
You ate the box it came in, idiot.
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Old 10-09-2013, 03:19 PM   #12
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Dear Boatme98:

I am in receipt of you letter threatening legal action against my company. Upon my review of your complaints, I find your allegations to be groundless.

First of all, lead is a natural element. It is atomic number 82 in the periodic table.

Secondly, is your wife by any chance looking for a new career? It sound like we could use her in our production department.

Finally, by "mylar bag" I am assuming you are referring to our "Youth Model Apollo Space Cadet Helmet", which is included as a free bonus with every order. Obviously you didn't read the small print disclaimer which stated it should only be used with the optional oxygen tank, to be ordered separately. My condolences on your loss.

If you persist in your complaint, please refer future correspondence to my attorneys, Screwim Goode & Associates.
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Old 10-09-2013, 04:42 PM   #13
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You ate the box it came in, idiot.
The box tasted better.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:04 PM   #14
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To: S. Goode, Esq.

From: G. T. Cheatham, Esq.

Private and confidential.


In strictest confidence, I feel that we can reach a reasonable ooc settlement on behalf of my client, Mr. Bubba and your client, PPH Corp.
I believe my client will accept a new false tooth to replace the tooth broken while eating your clients product. As it was his only remaining tooth, I think this is only fair.
God how I hate having lunch with clients. Don't you? Disgusting.

On the second point, my clients wife accepts your generous offer of full time employment with the understanding that she is entitled to paid time off when she feels it necessary, up to 25 hours per week.
Also she requests payment in cash as she wishes to maintain her unemployment benefits and EBT card privileges that she has worked so very hard to acquire.

Lastly, I think we could likely settle on say, 6 months supply of your clients Meal Worm, Maggot, and Weevil package as compensation for the loss of the wee loved one.
Let's face it, the boy just wasn't right. If he found his mouth with a booger he was having a good day.

Let's put this case to bed.
I'll see you at the club Tuesday for 18.

Sincerely,
G. T. Cheatham, Esq.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:33 PM   #15
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Good news txpossum,,, I have arrived at a suitable contract for you in the manner of your meat supply concerns, the Wisconsin Dept. of Highways has made an excellent offer to deliver all the road kill deer, coon, possum, bear, and a myriad of other exotic flavors, to your facilities at a very reasonable gratuity. The above mentioned items will be delivered promptly before any undo bloating and or dryness sets in. I await your correspondence on this in a timely manner since they also have an offer from Nabisko,,,,
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:43 PM   #16
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More good news sir,,, I may have found several outlets for the hardtack but they are mainly interested in your product launch of:" Txpossum's Cavalcade of Jerkys." One of these possible outlets is a large chain, known for their wonderfully stylish clientele and rock bottom pricing.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:43 PM   #17
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Well, somebodys bored again.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:51 PM   #18
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Packed in mylar bags with oxygen absorbers to preserve freshness, a 2 lb. bag is only $12.99, plus shipping by USPS priority mail. For extra authenticity, order our "meal worms, maggots, and weevil" packet separately.
I'm sorta broke right now. Can I interest you in a trade? I've got a 500 gallon tank smack full of dehydrated water I'll trade you for a 1/2 ton pickup fulla hardtack.
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:26 PM   #19
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I'm sorta broke right now. Can I interest you in a trade? I've got a 500 gallon tank smack full of dehydrated water I'll trade you for a 1/2 ton pickup fulla hardtack.
I'll throw in a bucket of steam for a 1/16 lay.
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:46 PM   #20
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...For extra authenticity, order our "meal worms, maggots, and weevil" packet separately.
MMMM-mmmm-MMMM extra protein!


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Hmmm. No, but would consider a partnership to make a bid for a part of the profitable cow chip market. After all, firewood will go fast in an apocalypse, and a few bundles of dried cow patties stored in the garage just makes good sense.
[snaps fingers] So that is what I was saving all that sorted cat poop for!
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