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Old 09-18-2011, 11:29 PM   #11
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I had a lot of issues with my Mother and how she treated my wife. We walked away, but my Mother came back. She didn't apologize, but did let my wife and I have some control with her doctors. The doctors diagnosed a disorder that was somewhat bi=polar, without calling it that. They prescribed a medicine somewhat like Prozac, which allowed her not to misread others intentions. Worked like a charm until she died. She went from a bitch to a person that was pleasant to be around, and even participated in events at the Seniors Apartments she lived in.

Sounds to me like that would work, but my Mom was 82 when that happened.

Good luck. Not a good thing to be apart from family, but sometimes it is necessary until he who needs help finds it.

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Old 09-18-2011, 11:43 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by trip286 View Post

So here is the gist of the whole post. I have pretty much written him off and moved on with my life, but others think that I am leaving unfinished business, and not just those here; but other family members, friends and neighbors think that I should go to him and try to patch things up.

.


It IS finished.....move on. Good luck, you made the right choice.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:53 AM   #13
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Write your dad a heartfelt letter, take your time in doing it. Write what you feel. Then make a list of the good things and the bad things about your father and compare the good with the bad.

Then is the bad outweighs the good and the bad doesn't look like it will change, burn both the letter and the list. Do this again if you feel the urge to patch things up.

If the good is equal to the bad and the bad can be changed or the good outweighs the bad, send him that letter. If he responds and you patch things up I would caution you to keep your wife and son out of the relationship. They do not deserve any more pain from him.

In any case don't expect him to respond or to change. That probably isn't going to happen.

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Old 09-19-2011, 09:24 AM   #14
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Trip, let me ask you. How important is your relationship with your dad? Rather, how important is it to you that you have a relationship with your dad?

It isn't always necessarily a psych issue. Often times, it's an ego issue. A lack of control and a lack of options on the aggressors part. Not options in the physical sense, options in the mental faculties.

Some people simply don't know that they can talk and be very nice and even passive without being weak. As an example.

So, I ask you, how important is the relationship to you?

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Old 09-19-2011, 01:28 PM   #15
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Trip, let me ask you. How important is your relationship with your dad? Rather, how important is it to you that you have a relationship with your dad?

It isn't always necessarily a psych issue. Often times, it's an ego issue. A lack of control and a lack of options on the aggressors part. Not options in the physical sense, options in the mental faculties.

Some people simply don't know that they can talk and be very nice and even passive without being weak. As an example.

So, I ask you, how important is the relationship to you?
It hasn't been so important since he walked out on us all when I was 12, but because he is my dad, I had always tried to maintain a relationship with him. It was more important I think to me than it was to him. My sister and I came home from school one day to find most of his things gone and his bags packed; he never came home that night but the next few days after that each time we got off the school bus there were a few more things missing. After the divorce I left town with my mom and moved about 2 hours away. I remember my sister coming down to spend the weekend with us a minimum of every other week, and not being able to see my dad for 2-3 months at a time because on my visitation weekends he had something better to do. Usually that something better was a party.

So yeah, he has always been important to me, but everything started going downhill in the father-son department when he snuck around like a coward moving things out. And since then it's just been one thing after another until at this point in time I just don't really even want him in my life anymore, and he hasn't been in my life for almost exactly a year. This stuff happened 2 days before my birthday last year, and my birthday is Sep 23.

As of now, like I said, I don't want him. But it still eats at me that things are this messed up with him.
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:10 PM   #16
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Sometimes we outgrow our fathers
and realize, and I mean realize, who
and what they were all this time. It
makes for a depressing moment. But
it is important now to transfer that
feeling of validation to yourself now.
You are the father. He is the undeveloped
child in old clothes. Evolution will take care
of his growth. You need to move on ANEW!
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Old 09-19-2011, 03:28 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PanBaccha View Post
Sometimes we outgrow our fathers
and realize, and I mean realize, who
and what they were all this time. It
makes for a depressing moment. But
it is important now to transfer that
feeling of validation to yourself now.
You are the father. He is the undeveloped
child in old clothes. Evolution will take care
of his growth. You need to move on ANEW!
Thank you. And everyone else who has offered their support. I have had people telling me for the past year that I should patch things up with him, just about everyone but my Mom. These are all people that have said it's important to try for no other reason than the fact that he is my dad. I've felt I should just let it go and be done with it myself, and it's what I've done for the past year, but other people's words have had me doubting myself, and you guys have validated my decision. A decision that I felt was the right one to begin with. Thanks
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Old 09-19-2011, 03:33 PM   #18
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I've lived this scenario the other way around. My Dad was not a nice man when we were all growing up. He was vindictive and passive aggressive mean. Only within the last 6 years or so has he begun to see we love him and now he loves us back. Strange.......

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Old 09-19-2011, 03:43 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by winds-of-change View Post
I've lived this scenario the other way around. My Dad was not a nice man when we were all growing up. He was vindictive and passive aggressive mean. Only within the last 6 years or so has he begun to see we love him and now he loves us back. Strange.......
Well who knows what might happen in the future. He has 3 kids and only one of them still talk to him, being my middle sister-2 years older than me. My oldest sister is in her mid 30's and lives in Columbia (her mom was an exchange student to my dad's high school in the 70's) but she wants nothing to do with him either cause he's treated her like dirt too.

Maybe one day he'll wake up and realize what's going on. "But as for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord", and I'll be long gone with my life and family.
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:12 PM   #20
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I've noticed that some people aren't interested in changing and growing in consciousness... in "growing up"... I've noticed that some people aren't bright enough to even understand what "denial" even is. I've noticed that some people are very slow to comprehend much about simple human relations and they are labeled with the word "stubborn"... Some people have to mull over the simplest social concepts for decades before they can begin to get a handle on them. Bottom line: A lot of people are simply not very bright... so the rest of us need to be patient but firm in dealing with them... and we all deal with this stuff at some level.

David Richo's "The Five Things We Cannot Change"...

(1) everything changes and ends,
(2) things do not always go according to plan,
(3) life is not always fair,
(4) pain is a part of life, and
(5) people are not loving and loyal all the time.

Blessings to you Trip286...

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