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trip286 09-18-2011 08:26 PM

The situation with my dad
okay there was some interest expressed on this issue when it was mentioned in this thread

So here is the lowdown (it's a long story)

About a year ago to the day, I had a big falling out with my dad.

First a little back story. I got a hernia while working on the trans continental pipeline project a couple years ago and wasn't able to work. I'll leave most of the details out of it as it doesn't pertain to the issue, but it involved a lawsuit and surgery

While I was recovering from the surgery (2 months is what the surgeon dictated), my dad had recently gotten married and was living with his new wife, and my paternal grandfather had recently passed away, so my dad said,"Hey, move into my house, and help out your mamaw." (she lived right next door) The agreement was that as long as I wasn't working and still recovering from the surgery, I wouldn't owe him a dime in exchange for keeping up the property and helping out my grandmother. So I got my wife down here from NC (where she was staying with her parents since I was on the road) and proceeded with the agreement.

Fast forward a little, I was cleared to go back to work and did so. I got 2 jobs in fact, and was still taking care of my grandmother, along with my wife who was also working and helping to take care of my grandmother.

After about a month we had a little money in savings, and I offered to start paying rent to my dad (about 3 months total after surgery, I move fast). Well he turned down my offer to pay rent, but I insisted on paying utilities such as electric, gas, satellite t.v., and phone. Well, he took me up on it, but later on he shut off the satellite and phone. This was an aggravation to say the least, and no I didn't leave him hanging on the bills they were payed in full.

So we got the satellite and phone put in our own names, no biggie, like I said it was an aggravation.

Then I found out that he was running around town telling everyone that I'm a deadbeat and a bum. I was pretty pissed off, between my wife and I we had 3 jobs and were taking care of 2 properties, and running my grandmother all over 3 counties for doctor's appointments and what not (that last was more a labor of love, I would have done it without being asked) and the utilities that were still in his name that I was paying to him were 500 a month give or take (depending on electric and gas usage, basically the weather) so we had several confrontations over that.

Insert for timeline purposes, My dad and his new wife split up, after being married for less than a year, so he moved in with us. Right after that happened my Grandmother (his step mom) passed away. There is a story behind that too, doesn't relate though. So he moved into her house, before she was even in the ground.

The final straw was when he called and had the garbage pickup service discontinued. Such a small thing, considering I could burn the garbage on site and it only cost something like 15 bucks per fiscal Quarter.

But my wife who had kept silent through all his crap, decided to give him a call and left a pretty pissed off message, yeah for lack of a better way of saying it-she showed her ass.

And so he comes on over, I had just gotten off work and was scarfing a meal before heading out for my second job, and he just walks in, doesn't knock or anything, and commences to go ballistic on my wife while we are trying to eat dinner, and right in front of my kid.

My wife sits back and tells him, "Mamaw would be ashamed of you and the way your acting" (she had grown to love her while helping her, and considered her to be her grandmother too, having barely known her before)

My dad's response was to tell my wife he was going to "F@#% you up" while coming at her with his fist raised.
I had been sitting in disbelief, not even knowing what the heck was going on or why, and this is when I finally come to my senses and bulldozed him out the door. He said he wanted "that b@#%" out of the house by the end of the week, me and my son could stay, but she has to go.

So we all left. That very night. We packed our stuff into an enclosed trailer of my friend, broke out a tent and moved into a campground for about a month until we could find a place to rent within our budget. My dad thought that he would force me to choose between him and my family, so guess what? I chose my family.

I had never gotten along with him for any length of time in my entire life, he has always talked down to me, told me I was worthless, so on and so forth. But I just kept coming back to him because he's dad, and I tried to conform to his expectations.
So that's it in a nut shell.

Many here feel that they could patch things up with their fathers, and can't because they have passed on.

So here is the gist of the whole post. I have pretty much written him off and moved on with my life, but others think that I am leaving unfinished business, and not just those here; but other family members, friends and neighbors think that I should go to him and try to patch things up.

Let me reiterate, the very last memory my son has right now of his grandfather was him coming after his mom and threatening her, and then me taking him out the door.

What do y'all think I should do?

I may or may not take any advice given, but you never know what someone may say.

c3shooter 09-18-2011 08:37 PM

Genesis 2, verse 24.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Im my opinion, regretably, the conduct of your father towards your wife (and his grandchildren) has, in my view, removed him from the role of an honored member of the family to a hostile stranger. Not in being petty, or a PITA, but in offering violence to them.

You owe your family not to place them in the way of harm from people like that. Your father's opinions, views, values, etc are one thing. Actions are another.

usmcprofessional 09-18-2011 08:44 PM

i commend you, i would have shot my father for that. but then again im not from the good ole american 60's so i have a newer look on family than what tradition would suggest.

my father grew up in the household you describe. his father married another woman who proceeded to love her own children more than her husbands. my dad was constantly beat for things he didnt do since my stepgrandmas kids would blame actions on him and his brother, uncle matt. now i had to grow up eating breakfast for dinner cause my father cherished eggs and bacon since he didnt have a home cooked breakfast until he was in his 20's.

family is just people tradition says you "should" love no matter what. i think when it comes to family believe in 2 things. 1-blood related just means they know you better so they can screw you over worse than anybody. 2-dont take anyones advice on how to handle your family garbage.

mrm14 09-18-2011 08:56 PM

I have to agree with c3 here and keep your family away from his poison.

It sounds like he may take a bit too much to the drink and if so there would be no good to come of it trying to reason with him.

texaswoodworker 09-18-2011 09:00 PM

I'm sorry for your bad experience. There's not much you can really do thought. If he doesn't want to change, he won't. He'll be the one missing out on your, your wife's, and your son's life, not you. If he's not willing to change, I would say it's time to move on. I hope everything works out for the best.

trip286 09-18-2011 09:06 PM


Originally Posted by texaswoodworker (Post 582365)
I'm sorry for your bad experience. There's not much you can really do thought. If he doesn't want to change, he won't. He'll be the one missing out on your, your wife's, and your son's life, not you. If he's not willing to change, I would say it's time to move on. I hope everything works out for the best.

this reminded me. My sister wanted to know what it would take for me to work things out with him, and I told her that first if he wants to work things out he needs to let me know and we can start talking. When she relayed this to him, his response to her was that he didn't do anything wrong, and therefore he wouldn't be the one to try to patch things up. So that's how much he wants to be a part of mine and my family's lives.

Dennis845 09-18-2011 09:14 PM

I'm not qualified nor do I desire to offer you any advice. I will say I had life long problems with my father also, nothing such as yours and much of my own doing when I was younger. My father passed away about a decade ago, and it's to late to apologize and patch things up. It's a haunting that's with me everyday. I wish I could go back in time. Best wishes.

Overkill0084 09-18-2011 09:32 PM

Just by the way you describe you father's behavior tells me that there is probably more to it than simply being a jerk. Passive-Aggressive behavior being the most obvious symptom. And, it would seem , anger management issues. I suspect if a qualified shrink could evaluate him, there would be a number of issues diagnosed.
Take care of your family, that's job one. If you should communicate with him at some point, suggest he seek treatment. It may be fixable at some point, but he's going to have to recognize that he's got issues and deal with them first.

trip286 09-18-2011 10:09 PM


Originally Posted by Overkill0084 (Post 582388)
Take care of your family, that's job one.

No worries there, my family is my life. There is never anything that is off limits when it comes to taking care of them.

CA357 09-18-2011 10:10 PM

Walk away and get on with your life. Don't listen to what others tell you you "should do". Care for your own family.

He doesn't sound like "Father of the Year" at the best of times. You owe him nothing and have nothing to prove. Take a pass.

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