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'Sh*t my Dad says'

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Old 05-19-2010, 04:41 AM   #1
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Default 'Sh*t my Dad says'

Now I'm not one to inhabit what's [predictably] known as the "twitterverse" but one has thrown up some funny stuff; called 'Sh*t my Dad Says".

After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him
William Shatner aka 'The Shat' has been tentatively slated to be part of a TV show based on it....

some examples:

Pick your furniture like you pick a wife: It should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started f*cking.

The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an a$$hole.

War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."

from sh* [uncensored]
Illigitimi Non Carborundum - Don't let the bastards grind you down

Originally Posted by skullcrusher View Post
Yes, at WalMart, you can pick up a gun, ammo, ski mask and your antidepressants all in one trip. Darn convenient if you ask me...:D
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Old 05-19-2010, 04:59 AM   #2
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Funny stuff right there.

BEWARE!!! The toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you kiss tomorrow.

PM Tango about his upcoming SHARTFOO courses.
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Old 05-19-2010, 03:22 PM   #3
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Funny. My Pop says some pretty nuts things but nothing to that level.
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Old 05-19-2010, 03:31 PM   #4
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That is funny. I would watch that TV show for sure and I can't stand Shatner.

My old man had some classics too. I think it was just the days they grew up in, it made them more apt to point out the obvious.

"Use your head for something other than to keep your ears apart with" - I heard that more than a few times.

"I hope you grow up and have 10 more just like you" - Usually after I had done something to warrant the first statement and he was later reflecting on where I went wrong and educating me for the next time around.
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Old 05-19-2010, 03:35 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
"I hope you grow up and have 10 more just like you"
JD, I used this one quite often with my kids. As they got older, each of them admitted that they could be serious PITA's.

As far as Dad's, I actually thought my name was "sh!thead" for years...
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Old 05-19-2010, 03:56 PM   #6
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"Son, quit piddly farting around." That was a common one I heard growing up.

"Once you get your head out of you as$ you can breath and calm down"

When I was too young to help him doing much, he used to tell me, "Watching is helping." That one came back to bite him in the arse when I was a teenager.

I also got the whole, "I would not wish you on anyone, but I hope your kids will be just like you times two."
From C3Shooter:
Skullcrusher, you are evil, sick, demented, twisted- and my hero!

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...without the Second, we cannot protect the rest!
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Old 05-19-2010, 04:12 PM   #7
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I am in love with this old man. I am gonna go exploring to steal some of his stuff. I love retarded quotes like that! xD The one that I made for my friend is.... "You are like the baby that plays with fire, it looks pretty and may seem cool one minute, but the next minute you spend wondering what in the hell just happened to you." He has a tendency to be.... reckless.

*I for one fear the "hope you have a child just like YOU" quote. I was the spawn of satan.... so that means that I am screwed....
"This is my rifle, this is my gun." "This is for fighting, this is for fun." -Full Metal Jacket

"I joined the Navy to drink in foreign countries and fornicate." -unknown
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Old 05-19-2010, 04:16 PM   #8
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My Dad had one that sticks out in my mind

"Son, in a lot of ways, you are just like me and that makes me proud. In other ways, you are just like me and I feel sorry for you."
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