Self-Defense Tips by Ron Swanson (Parks & Recreation, City of Pawnee)
America has certain laws that protect people from attackers. These laws are toothless. Also, calling the police is a waste of taxpayer money. With a small amount of basic self-defense knowledge, you will be able to protect yourself, and won't have to rely on the government to save your sorry ass.
Learn these rules, and be your own police! It saves lives, and shrinks the government.
When trapped by an attacker, do not struggle. Use your head. Headbutt him and then pin him.
If your attacker has a knife, use your gun to disarm him.
If your attacker has a gun, so what your gun is bigger (I assume).
If you're in a situation where someone has gotten the jump on you, well, I don't know what to tell you. You blew it. That's on you.
If your opponent is smaller than you, it should be no problem to defeat him.
If your opponent is bigger than you, suck it up. Nobody said this was going to be easy.
There are two types of attackers: junkies and punks. Junkies are more unpredictable and anxious to get to their next fix. Punks just drive me nuts. Get a job.
When in doubt, go for the nuggets.
Since the attacker may go for your nuggets, you should always wear a cup. That goes for females, too.
If all else fails, smash something that is hard against something that is their bone.
You know what? I shouldn't even have to give you these tips. You should take care of your business, and I'll take care of mine. And when we meet out there, we'll see who's the more fully-formed man, and who's the coward.
DISCLAIMER: I am a human man. Am I technically qualified to dispense this type of advice? No. If that kind of thing is important to you, then leave now.