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Old 04-13-2012, 03:56 PM   #9841
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I just gambled on a fart and lost. I'll be right back gotta change my pants.

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Old 04-13-2012, 04:00 PM   #9842
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11:00 minutes of my life that I will never ever get back ....
Thanks C3

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Old 04-13-2012, 04:48 PM   #9843
RIP my good and faithful dog.
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Oh, for chrissakes.


http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/13/11060105-does-your-high-speed-crawler-need-a-helmet?lite


Children learn boundaries, cause and affect, etc when they fall or are learning new things. They also learn that we are there to help them when they fall and later they learn to self comfort when they fail. This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

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Old 04-13-2012, 05:03 PM   #9844
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Quote:
Five Days Later
Pawn Shop | Bellingham, WA, USA |

(A customer in their 50s walks into my pawn shop, which sells weapons.)

Customer: “Yeah, can you get me that shotgun behind the table?”

Me: “Sure, do you have your license and registration?”

Customer: “Yeah, right here.”

Me: “Thank you sir. There’s a 5 day waiting period for firearms. Come back soon.”

(He looks disappointed, but forks over the cash and walks out. Five days later…)

Customer: “Okay, dude, I’m back. Where’s the gun?”

Me: “Right here, sir…

(I make the transaction and hand him his shotgun.)

Me: “Have a nice day and come back soon!”

(About one minute after the customer leaves the store, I hear several loud shotgun blasts. I look through the window and the man is firing rounds into the air! He then runs into the store.)

Customer: “The zombie invasion has begun! It’s every man for himself!”

(I hide under the desk and press the silent alarm. Five minutes later, the police arrive, taser the guy, and bring him out of our back room in cuffs. I work at an ice cream store now.)
Wow, that 5 day waiting period sure is helping.

I'm glad I don't live in a state with a waiting period, I'd hate to wait 5 days before I could kill zombies.

Ok, do you think the guy was crazy, or just a jackass being an idiot?
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:30 PM   #9845
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c3, That site cracks me up.

Quote:
Make A Bullet Point About Bertha
Call Center | Peoria, IL, USA | Married Customers

Me: “Sir, do we need to speak with anyone other than yourself to gain access onto your property?”

Customer: “No, no. My wife will be home. Oh yeah, and Bertha.”

Me: “Bertha, sir?”

Customer: “Bertha’s my shotgun, in case any of your technicians decide to get kinky with my wife.”

Quote:
Best Not Order The French Fries
Restaurant | Tennessee, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

(I come in on my day off to get my paycheck. My boss asks me to help with a table of two people who are speaking mostly French before I go. When I am done another customer calls me over.)

Customer: “Excuse me, don’t you work here?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I do. It’s just my day off today. Would you like me to get your server?”

Customer: “What were you just talking in? It was some kind of foreign talk. At that other table there?”

Me: “Oh, I speak a little bit of French, so I was helping the server.”

Customer: “You can do that?”

Me: “Do what, sir?”

Customer: “You can speak French in here? Isn’t that illegal?!”

Me: “To speak French?”

Customer: “Yeah! I mean, this is a Mexican restaurant. You could get shot for speaking in French! Or even just thinking about talking in French!”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “Shot!”

Me: “I don’t think–”

Customer: “Shot!”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “SHOT I SAID!”

Boss: “It’s okay. She was thinking about the words in Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh good.” *whispers to me* “Don’t ever try to talk in British in here. It won’t end well.”

(My boss made a gun out of paperclips and attached them to all of my paychecks after that.)
Quote:
Murder, She Wrote
Gas Station | Missouri, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Bookstore

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gas Station]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you shoot guns?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Customer: “Well, I know your gas station hires some athletic young men and I was wondering if you knew anything about guns?”

Me: “Actually, I do know a decent amount about guns and shooting.”

Customer: “If you threw a gun in the air and shot it with another gun, would it explode?”

Me: “Wait, what? Why?”

Customer: “Oh, well in the book I’m writing the sheriff is fighting the robber on the balcony of the theatre, and the robber’s gun flies into the air and the sheriff shoots it. Would it explode or hurt anyone?”

Me: “Well, it probably wouldn’t explode, but it would probably discharge either when struck by the bullet or when it hits the ground.”

Customer: “Would it hit someone?”

Me: “You’re the author, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! I’ll send you a copy when it’s published!”
Quote:
Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Bag Holder
Supermarket | Sherwood Park, AB, Canada | At The Checkout

(I am guy in my late teens, bagging groceries for a male cashier when a woman in her mid to late thirties arrives at the till.)

Cashier: “Here you go, ma’am.”

Customer: “‘Ma’am?!’ Do I look old enough to be a ‘ma’am?!’”

Cashier: “Uh, sorry miss.”

Customer: “‘Miss!’ That’s even worse! You make me feel like an old maid! I’m still young and beautiful! And you, bag boy! Make sure the eggs are on top, okay?”

Me: *miming shooting a gun and winking* “You got it, babe.”

Customer: *blushing* “I…uh…okay.”

Cashier: “Dude.”

Quote:
When Common Sense Goes Naval Gazing
Military | New York, NY, USA |

(I serve on a Canadian Naval vessel, and while on an exercise our ship comes alongside in New York and offers tours to any civilians who wish to see the ship. I am on duty when a group of Americans come on board for a tour. At the end of the tour, one gentleman comes up to me.)

Tourist: “Excuse me, when does the ship leave?”

Me: “We’re in port for another two days before we head back to sea, sir.”

Tourist: “But we’re here today. Can’t we take the tour now?”

Me: “I beg your pardon, sir? Didn’t you just take the tour?”

Tourist: “We saw the ship, but when do we go to [town the ship is named after]?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but the tours are of the ship only.”

Tourist: “But when do you sail to [town name]?”

Me: “Well, we actually can’t, sir, because that town isn’t on the ocean.”

Tourist: “Well, that’s stupid! How are we supposed to sail there? Never mind, where is the ship going next then, and when do we have to be here?”

Me: “Well, if you’d like to watch us leave, we will be shoving off around 10 o’clock on Sunday, sir.”

Tourist: “And where are we going then?”

Me: “Well, I can’t disclose where the ship is sailing next due to operational security, sir.”

Tourist: “Then how are we supposed to get back?”

(Thankfully at this point the man’s wife jumps in.)

Tourist’s Wife: “This isn’t a cruise you moron! We just came to see the ship!”

Tourist: *to me* “Well why didn’t you say that? Are you Canadians all stupid or something? No wonder we beat the s*** out of you in the war! If you didn’t surrender to everyone that waved a gun at you, you probably wouldn’t be so stupid!”

(The tourist storms off the ship.)

Tourist’s Wife: “I…um…yeah. May I have one of those free hats, please?”

Quote:
Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists
Pharmacy | Mount Holly, NJ, USA | Top

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh…okay.”

(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”
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Old 04-13-2012, 06:04 PM   #9846
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Weird.......


http://now.msn.com/now/0412-german-incest-ruling.aspx


Terrible.......

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ohio-man-accused-zipping-bulldog-mix-puppies-suitcase-leaving-trash-bin-article-1.1060308?localLinksEnabled=false


Awesome!!!

http://money.msn.com/top-stocks/video.aspx?vid=1f2d7188-882b-430c-b798-049ba4d415a9&from=en-us_money

What the hell..........?

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/grandpa-forgets-granddaughter-trunk-popular-pages

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Old 04-13-2012, 07:44 PM   #9847
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Quote:
Originally Posted by winds-of-change View Post
Weird....... (and disturbing)

http://now.msn.com/now/0412-german-incest-ruling.aspx


Terrible....... (Some people just deserve to be beaten senseless with a 2x4)

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ohio-man-accused-zipping-bulldog-mix-puppies-suitcase-leaving-trash-bin-article-1.1060308?localLinksEnabled=false


Awesome!!! (Sweet!!! Nothing sexier than a girl who owns a gun, and knows how to use it. )

http://money.msn.com/top-stocks/video.aspx?vid=1f2d7188-882b-430c-b798-049ba4d415a9&from=en-us_money

What the hell..........? (I'd take it as a life lesson. Never let yourself be locked into anything by someone who cannot remember what they had for dinner last night. )

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/grandpa-forgets-granddaughter-trunk-popular-pages
..........
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Old 04-13-2012, 07:58 PM   #9848
RIP my good and faithful dog.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texaswoodworker View Post
..........
As a grandparent, I don't care how much my grandchild begged to be permitted to ride in the trunk of the car...the answer would be "NO!!".
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Old 04-13-2012, 08:09 PM   #9849
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It's all good in the trunk until some hippie fires one up, piss poor ventilation in most trunks.

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Old 04-13-2012, 09:49 PM   #9850
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MY ASS ! OHH MY ASS !

just got back from riding about 150miles on the hobbie horse '' harley ''.

Not doing that again

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