Were i ever to be in that poor fool's situation, i'd have a hard time going to the ER. I think i would just put some crushed ice down the pipe or something. I just couldn't whip out my new armored member for the docs to work on, i don't think.
I did have a buddy who had to go to the ER with balls swollen to the size of small grapefruit, each. Every nurse on the floor had to check out his junk. We all laughed, because we knew he couldn't run after us.
Dead Bears, the only good kind.