Welp, my little girl walked off of the stage after her first dance recital, walked straight up to her mawmaw who paid for the whole shindig and said "thanks for dance. I'm done with this stuff. Next year im doing karate."
Now I had absolutely nothing AT ALL to do with that decision. Really I didn't. I was extremely proud of her decision though, and seriously relieved that I wouldn't have to sit through any more recitals.
I signed her up for a karate class. She's a natural. Totally surprised everyone, even me.Attachment 150886Attachment 150887Attachment 150888
And then came the kicker.
"You know your daughter surprised us."
"Thanks man, I'm finding she's good at whatever she WANTS to be good at."
"Did you know you can take classes with us for free under her membership?"
"No, I didn't. That's great. I would love to. When is the class?"
"Well, you're a cop right? I'll put you in intermediate and advanced. Starts in half an hour."
What I should have said:
HOLD UP. WAIT. WTF?!?! HOLD THE PHONE!!!! I DID BOXING AND MMA IN COLLEGE AND I DID FAKE PHONY BY THE BOOK COP STUFF IN THE POLICE ACADEMY!! IM NOT INTERMEDIATE OR ADVANCED! MY DAUGHTER NOW KNOWS MORE ABOUT YOUR FORM OF MARTIAL ARTS THAN I DO!
BESIDES! IM JUST GETTING OVER A BACK INJURY AND HAVENT SEEN THE INSIDE OF A GYM IN 2 YEARS!
What I said: "Alright I have a change of clothes in the car."
So I changed and told the wife that they offered to let me take the class after the BBs. I walk back in the classroom and am immediately surrounded by sweaty 13 year old boys, all of whom are wearing brown or black belts. The instructor gives me a spot on the mat and class begins.
You know those nice peaceful martial arts classes where they go over forms together and practice in a mirror?
Yeah this wasn't one of those classes. This was more like karate kid meets rocky IV meets full metal jacket. We warmed up with more push-ups and sit-ups than I have done in a year. After that little "warm up" I'm like done. Ready to throw in the towel. Ready to throw up.
Of course I look around at the testosterone supercharged karate midgets I'm surrounded by and they aren't even breaking a sweat. But screw them. I am old. I am a man. If I want to walk out of a class I can. If I could see to get to the door I could..... Oh wait yeah I can see the....
Wife? And daughter? And YOUNGER BROTHERS?!?! WATCHING ME?!?! WITH CELL PHONE CAMERAS AT THE READY?!?!?!?!
Oh this is nugging FUTS!!! I AM NOW TRAPPED! At the first sign of weakness I will be hounded for all of eternity. If I walk out of the class, 3000 years from now in heaven, the boys will STILL be showing that video to random strangers and laughing about it.
And if that isn't enough, now the real part of the class begins. Please tell me what form of martial arts used FRICKING LUNGES TO WALK ACROSS THE ROOM TO THE PUNCHING BAG?!?! WHEN I AM ABOUT TO FIGHT SOMEONE INTO HANDCUFFS I DONT DO LUNGES!!!! THE ONLY LUNGE THAT I DO IS WHEN THE CHINESE LADY AT THE DONUT SHOP SLAPS A BAG OF FREE DONUT HOLES ON THE COUNTER!!!!
Hell I can kick. I can punch. I can even do wrestling mounts and joint manipulation. BUT LUNGES?!?!?!?!
WHAT THE HELL DO LUNGES HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!!!!
After an hour of SATAN AND HIS MINIONS training to DESTROY THE EARTH AND DESTROY MY GLUTES IN THE PROCESS I finally got to walk
Crawl on my belly like a snake to retrieve my shoes and a powerade. As I'm drinking my powerade, and eating crow as a side, my little 4 year old girl runs up to me and wraps her arms around my neck and says:
"WOW DADDY! YOU ARE REALLY GOOD! NOW WE CAN GO HOME AND PRACTICE SOME MORE AND WE CAN COME TO KARATE CLASS EVERY DAY!"
SATAN HAS A NEW CONVERT!!!! AN EVIL LITTLE MINION WITH A PONY TAIL AND A SIZE 0 KARATE GI!!!!!!
Someone please shoot me in the leg. PLEASE?! Before karate tomorrow. I'm begging you. I'll blame it on my Glock! Everybody knows they fire themselves! No one will get in trouble! And it will be less painful. I'm positive.
Dude! That's Priceless, too bad I can't see the pics!! My little brother's Ju Jitsu teacher did that to me too, but my brother told 4 of his Classmates that his older brother home on leave was an Army Pilot who was ABN and I was a bad Azz and would kick all there tuchies across the street. They didn't stop messing with me so I just stopped going inside the school to get him...
You should have said you were called away on a PD emergency...
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