You are Unregistered, please register to use all of the features of!    
Firearm & Gun Forum - > General Discussion Forums > The Club House >

MRE Dinner Date...

LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-23-2010, 06:08 PM   #1
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tornado \"Just Blow Me\" Alley,Oklahoma U.S.A.
Posts: 8,424
Liked 28 Times on 22 Posts

Default MRE Dinner Date...

This was posted on my QP forum, a little long, but funny, so I thought I would share the humor.

This is a doubled edge sword...

For the ladies: Beware MRE Dinner Date... - The Club House

For the young studlings: Think twice before trying this...

For the FOG's: There is a sale on MRE's at your local Wally-World... MRE Dinner Date... - The Club House

Subject: The MRE date:

"I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauté in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush
that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like,
well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly
things on it, it looks fancy right?

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !" We dug in, and she loved the
food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking
fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let
the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't sh!t for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom, while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know... I'm an azzhole, but it was still a funny night!"


"There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter." - Hemingway

“The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about.”
IGETEVEN is offline  
Reply With Quote

Join Today - It's Free!

Are you a firearms enthusiast? Then we hope you will join the community. You will gain access to post, create threads, private message, upload images, join groups and more.

Firearms Talk is owned and operated by fellow firearms enthusiasts. We strive to offer a non-commercial community to learn and share information.

Join Today! - Click Here

Old 10-23-2010, 06:25 PM   #2
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Jpyle's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Sewell,NJ
Posts: 4,844
Liked 784 Times on 453 Posts
Likes Given: 499


It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom, while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know... I'm an azzhole, but it was still a funny night!"
Sounds like a keeper, hope the author married that gal...
"The whole of the Bill (of Rights) is a declaration of the right of the people at large or considered as individuals.... It establishes some rights of the individual as unalienable and which consequently, no majority has a right to deprive them of." (Albert Gallatin of the New York Historical Society, October 7, 1789)

"A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government." - George Washington

Last edited by Jpyle; 10-24-2010 at 01:53 PM.
Jpyle is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-24-2010, 01:58 AM   #3
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
spittinfire's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Maiden,NC
Posts: 9,663
Liked 88 Times on 58 Posts
Likes Given: 5


If she came back for round 2, she's a definate keeper.
If the pain is lacking so is the discipline...

"the only 911 call I need is chambering a round" - Mr. Muller, MO car dealer
spittinfire is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-24-2010, 04:31 AM   #4
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
gorknoids's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia Beach,Virginia
Posts: 2,431
Liked 11 Times on 9 Posts
Likes Given: 19


If she can choke down the Chicken al'a King warmed up with the heater and seasoned with that little bottle of Tabasco, she's okay in my book. I don't understand how ANYBODY could eat those damned ham slices, though.
"Guns don't kill people. Male Kennedy's kill people."
gorknoids is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-24-2010, 09:34 AM   #5
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Coeur d Alene,Idaho USA
Posts: 380
Liked 13 Times on 5 Posts

Default Whew, that may be one way to find miss....

Right! If she can "outfart" you after eating some mre,s...Then she is a gal
that can "weather nearly anything"!!! Pop & I farted ourselves sore after
eating the "pork chow mein" mre!
nwrednk is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-25-2010, 04:26 AM   #6
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
doctherock's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Rainy sh!thole,Oregon
Posts: 5,147
Liked 15 Times on 13 Posts


Originally Posted by gorknoids View Post
If she can choke down the Chicken al'a King warmed up with the heater and seasoned with that little bottle of Tabasco, she's okay in my book. I don't understand how ANYBODY could eat those damned ham slices, though.
The ham slices rocked man.

BEWARE!!! The toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you kiss tomorrow.

PM Tango about his upcoming SHARTFOO courses.
doctherock is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-25-2010, 10:47 AM   #7
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
jca1's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: R.R.,NC
Posts: 1,464
Liked 4 Times on 4 Posts


Oh man. that was funny as......crap?
jca1 is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-25-2010, 03:02 PM   #8
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
AH-1's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: ft hood tx,TEXAS
Posts: 153
Liked 1 Times on 1 Posts


this makes me miss my C-rats
life member DAV.
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
AH-1 is offline  
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Firearms Forum Replies Last Post
Whats for Dinner? cpttango30 The Club House 16 08-01-2010 03:20 AM
Just a Dinner Roll TXnorton Politics, Religion and Controversy 3 03-31-2010 02:53 PM
Dinner Tonight gregs887 The Club House 38 05-04-2009 02:53 AM
What's for Dinner cpttango30 The Club House 6 03-24-2009 12:20 AM
its whats for dinner sgtdeath66 Survival & Sustenance Living Forum 2 12-16-2008 04:07 AM