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Old 09-10-2012, 04:23 AM   #31
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Rurak, your only priorties in this stage of your life that are important (if you want to stay married) is your wife and daughter. your father and your mother are adults and can take care of themselves. you have to put your wife and daughters welfare above all else and others. you also need to man up and face your father as an adult and treat him like an adult and act like an adult if you are ever going to be treated as such. it is probably not going to be easy, but guess what, sometimes life isn't easy and making adult decisions isn't always easy either. i have an idea that your failure to confront your father about these issues in regarding your daughter could be the basis of your problems with your wife. even if it means your father gets upset and angry, if you expect things to be peaceful at home, you need to tell your father what's going on and accept whatever and go on.

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Old 09-10-2012, 05:32 AM   #32
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On #2 myself. You need to realize a couple of things

1. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will never change. They are both dissapointed

2. The two truths that must ALWAYS be in the back of your mind; ALL women are crazy. ALL men are azzholes. Varrying degrees of both, but always the case. Any woman who tries to convince you she is sane is A. a liar and B. trying to trap you.

My wife is crazy. My mother is crazy. My ex-wife is really crazy. My daughters are crazy. And I am an azzhole. It is what it is.

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Old 09-10-2012, 08:42 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robocop10mm

2. The two truths that must ALWAYS be in the back of your mind; ALL women are crazy. ALL men are azzholes. Varrying degrees of both, but always the case.
No truer words have been spoken. Once this is realized and accepted by everyone things get much easier.

I feel and understand your fear and trouble with your parents. I'm on my second marriage myself and have had problems with my parents through both. It has seemed like no matter who I'm with they create problems. They hated my ex-wife while I was with her and after the divorce talked to her more than they talk to me. The final straw for me was when they let my ex-wife and her boy friend stay with them while I am fighting with her for custody of my three year old son, combined with a couple of nasty letters sent to my current wife and myself. I have ALWAYS been extremely close to my mother and relatively close to my father but I had no choice but to put my current wife first and at least until my custody battle is over cease all contact with my parents.

This has been the best thing for my relationship with my current wife and has been easy at times and extremely hard at others. I miss my relationship with my parents (really bad at certain times) but it has undoubtedly eliminated a major source of drama and stress from my life.

As to working with your wife, communication first and foremost. Dig and dig and dig some more until you are convinced that you have found and identified all possible sources of trouble. It really can be the stupidest little thing that builds and gets extrapolated into so much more. We (men) tend to think logically which can and often does keep us from being able to detect, understand, follow, and fix things that are wrong.

Example you shower in the morning, leave your towel on floor cause you're short on time (or just forget), fully intending to pick it up later, and don't see that some toothpaste stayed on the sink after you brushed your teeth. Simple enough to us men, no big problem here. To a woman this can be construed into: "How can he possibly act like this and say he loves me?!?" .... Here is the translation: She had just done laundry and cleaned the bathroom sink the day before, you may or may not have noticed, your leaving the towel and 'blatantly' dirtying the sink 'clearly' proves that you don't respect her or care and appreciate any of the things she does for you.

So back to when you're convinced that you've identified all the problems; you haven't! Dig some more! Then make a plan to address and improve on each issue and write it down if possible. Follow, review, and modify this plan as need be. Definitely seek professional help (counseling) for your marriage and parental issues if possible.

Best of luck.
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:02 PM   #34
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Why is it so hard sometimes. We have been married 5 and together 10 and it seems like its getting harder. Any advice is greatly appreciated
Marriage is an on-going, evolving task, which begs full input from both partners. When things get tough it's probably because the individuality
is now asking for its time in the limelight too, which it had been put aside to merge into a marriage of ONE. Both partners need time and space for
themselves too, so as to breathe. Then with that respect and cooperation from both the marriage will survive. Especially if 'friendship' is still
intact in the marriage, and not 'ownership,' as in my car, my job, my bank, my team, my house, my firearm, my wife, etc .... as these are 'owned.'
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:21 PM   #35
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The only reason I say it's simple is because we've been through family drama. People that are in your life should bring you joy and positive energy. If they don't do that, you don't need them. That's how I look at things. Family is not just blood, it's people that you enjoy spending time with. I care about what works for my hubby and I and everyone else can not see me if they want to cause drama.
Very well said.

I hate to parrot what everyone else has already said, but it is the way it is. You already know what you need to do. I think you knew it before you started this thread. But you were hoping the people here would give you a different answer.

Plain and simple, you are going to have to lay down the law with your dad. And trust me, I know how difficult that can be.

Years ago when I got into the relationship I am in now my father went wild. But I stood up to him and told him that it is what is will be. I didn't want to cut him out of my life, and I didn't at first. But once I realized that this wasnt going to be a fleeting relationship I had to lay down the law. It hurt us all immensely. A few years go by and he realized that what he said was wrong and worked to regain my trust.

It was hard in the short term, but well worth it in the long run.

IMHO if you are unwilling or unable to put your father in his place then you may as well just file right now. Because things will only get worse. From the little bit of information you have given us, it seems like your wife is right, you are putting her and your daughter behind everything else.
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:01 PM   #36
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I was married for 18 years and looking back I don't regret a day of it. We bickered. We had days of silence. I think you have to give your partner some space. A dresser drawer, a room or a PC of their own which it is understood you will never open and keep your word (until the day after the funeral). Yes, you may be earning the bread on your PC from your home and forced to spend 6 hr a day on the PC like I was. They hate that, they ALL do. My solution was 6 hr on the PC = a minimum of 2 hr that day on her interests with her (even if you HATE the topic (hers was how to paint, so I made canvas frames and shopped for supplies with her, and lots of yes dear I think you got the shading right, etc.).

Were their days we were tired of each other? Sure. That's why we both had cars. When we were bickering, one of us would go out to shop or whatever at 10AM and come back at 7PM or so. It is called cooling off. Calmer discussions followed. I am not old enough, nor have I been through this enough times (only 1 for me so far) to say if it was a great marriage, but I can say it went 18 years and I don't regret a day of it.

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Old 09-10-2012, 04:53 PM   #37
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Never in a million years did i see myself here. I feel pathetic it sucks.

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Old 09-10-2012, 05:31 PM   #38
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I was married for 18 years and looking back I don't regret a day of it. We bickered. We had days of silence. I think you have to give your partner some space. A dresser drawer, a room or a PC of their own which it is understood you will never open and keep your word (until the day after the funeral). Yes, you may be earning the bread on your PC from your home and forced to spend 6 hr a day on the PC like I was. They hate that, they ALL do. My solution was 6 hr on the PC = a minimum of 2 hr that day on her interests with her (even if you HATE the topic (hers was how to paint, so I made canvas frames and shopped for supplies with her, and lots of yes dear I think you got the shading right, etc.).

Were their days we were tired of each other? Sure. That's why we both had cars. When we were bickering, one of us would go out to shop or whatever at 10AM and come back at 7PM or so. It is called cooling off. Calmer discussions followed. I am not old enough, nor have I been through this enough times (only 1 for me so far) to say if it was a great marriage, but I can say it went 18 years and I don't regret a day of it.
Yes, it sounds to me like you had a great marriage.

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Never in a million years did i see myself here. I feel pathetic it sucks.
Rurak, none of us "see themselves there". We all get married with the intention we will live happily ever after. Life just isn't like that and when things get tough we wonder why our marriage (money situation, home, kids, etc.) isn't wonderful like everyone else's. I'm a woman and we talk amongst each other. As my life has unfolded and I have gone through a variety of tough times, I see that so many others have, too. NO ONE has anything in life perfect. We all struggle to some degree over some situation. I thought I had the worst teenage daughter years ago. I got to talking to other, more experienced parents and I saw she wasn't as bad as many others. My daughter and I got through our tough years and we are very good friends now. I thought my husband up and left me in a terrible bind. I see that we were quite good to each other during our divorce and afterwards. I thought I was the only one who had very little money in a savings account. Turns out I had quite a bit of saved up money compared to others.

Rurak, please get some marriage counseling. Even if she won't go, if one goes alone the whole dynamics of the marriage changes when one learns how to handle things differently. When you handle things differently, her reactions will become different, too. It's possible you may be a little medically depressed over this situation. I know, I've been there. It's hard to think clearly when depression sets in. Possibly a stretch on anti-depressants may help you sort this all out. You don't have to be on them forever. You just have to reverse that depression. A year or so will get you back on your feet.
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Old 09-10-2012, 06:08 PM   #39
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Rurak, there is lots of good advice on here to consider - so I am not going to add any additional advice - after hearing what the others on here have said, I believe you know what it is that you have to do. I do feel for you as I am in a somewhat similar situation that I have had to deal with for a long time - I've come very close to ending my marriage of 15 years on a number of occasions and I will be the first to admit that I am an azzhole too (not implying that you are - just saying I can be). I wish you the best and hope everything turns out well - keep your chin up even though you may not want to. All the best...

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Old 09-10-2012, 06:14 PM   #40
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Thanks to everyone for the advice. I DO know i what i have to do but its difficult for.me. i am working alone with him tomorrow so i think tomorrow will be the day. He doesnt think anything he ever does is wrong....ever and he is always right no matter what so...... i am not holding high expectations for the outcome. I really would love for him to say "i can respect that" but i think he is going to blame my wife mostly....... oh well i cant control the outcome i guess

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