Lt. Linda is cold
After Saga #8 being so sad and serious this Saga will perk you back up. This is the funniest thing that ever happened to me and Linda in our 22 yrs of marriage.
Scene # 1
"Sarge I am cold." complains Lt. Linda
"Huh?" says Sarge
"I am cold " reiterates Lt. Linda.
"Oh that's nice Honey" mumbles Sarge around his newspaper.
"Sarge I need some heat!" shouts Lt. Linda.
"OK Honey, Go in the bedroom and take all your clothes off and I'll be there as soon as I finish the comics" answers Sarge
"No! you idiot, not that kind of heat. It's freezing in here!" exclaims Lt. Linda
"Well I am comfortable" remarks Sarge.
"Yes, but I don't have all that Latin blood coursing through my veins, just English blood. And you know how cold the English are." retorts Lt Linda
"Boy I sure do." replies Sarge as he ducks the thrown couch pillow.
"Can't we turn up the furnace a little, I got ice cycles hanging from my nose." complains Linda.
"Honey the Public Service bill is higher than the house payment. Keeping the temperture at 68 deg. saves us a lot of money." states Sarge.
"Sarge I was watching a home improvement channel the other day and....." "Didn't I tell you not to watch those evil programs." interrupts Sarge. "Sarge now listen, they said that just getting the attic insulated could save heat and lower our heating bills." said Linda.
"Humm" said Sarge. "Check it out, Honey, that part about saving money sounds good" says Sarge.
Scene # 2
After supper Sarge sits down to the computer to login to his chat clubs. Lt. Linda comes into the office with sheets of paper.
"OK Sarge. I called three heating/air conditioning companies and one construction company." declares LT. Linda.
"Humm" says Sarge typing away at his keyboard.
"The cheapest one will insulate the attic only for $1200. The rest will do the attic only if they can do the walls too and they wanted 4 to 5 thousand dollars." sighs Lt Linda.
"Humm" says Sarge.
"So what will it be, Sarge. $1200 or $5000? " asks Lt Linda.
"WHAT!" $1200 to $5000 for what?" yelps Sarge
"The insulation for the attic, Sarge, remember we talked about it last week." said Lt. Linda. "$1200 to $5000?" Sarge asks incredulously. "Why that is the price of a brand new Browning over and under shotgun, for crying out loud." "Yes but Sarge," Linda puts her arms around Sarge. "You don't want me to be COLD....do you:"
"Why don't you put on a sweater?" asks Sarge. "And maybe a coat and then we could turn down the furnace 5 more degrees."
"NO!" Lt. Linda stamps her little foot. "We are going to get the house insulated!"
"OK OK OK" gives in Sarge, "But I am not going to pay someone big bucks to do something as simple as spreading some insulation in the attic"
Scene # 3
"Good News Honey." exclaims Sarge, "I stopped by the Home Depot on the way home and I can buy all the insulation we need for the attic for $200 AND they will lend us the insulation blower for free!" (thereby saving Sarge the price of several thousand rounds of good surplus ammo which he just ordered today)
"Oh good Sarge, who are you going to get to help you?" asks Lt. Linda. Sarge looks at Linda, Linda looks at Sarge, Sarge smiles. "No" says Lt.Linda. "Ah come on Honey, it will be easy, and think of all the money we will be saving." "No No No" says Lt.Linda. Sarge plays his trump card. " Charlotte and David just remodeled their house and they did it together. Charlotte showed me the bedroom and it is beautiful!"
"What were you doing in the bedroom with Charlotte?" shrieks Lt Linda. "Well we were talking about fixing the house up and so she insisted that I see the way she fixed her house and, and," stutters Sarge. "OK OK OK" I'll help you with the insulation, at least I won't freeze here in my plain ordinary nonremodeled house." grumbled Lt. Linda.
Scene # 4
"OK." huffs Sarge , "That is the last of the insulation." and he stacks the 50# bag on the others in the hallway.
"Now." commands Sarge. "This is real easy, Hon. All you have to do is cut open the bag of insulation and pour it in the hopper. I'll be up in the attic directing the hose and you just keep the hopper filled." says Sarge as he climbs into the attic. "OK let her rip!" yells Sarge. "HA! This is easy," thinks Sarge as he plays the hose back and forth shooting the gray insulation into the attic rafters. An hour later all that remains is the farthest corner and Sarge strains to reach the hose far enough. "Uhgg! must be stuck." thinks Sarge and he jerks the hose. "Ahh now it will reach" He smiles with satisfaction. Then the flow of insulation slows, slows, and stops.
"Hey! Fill the hopper!" Nothing. No insulation. "Linda get to work, fill the hopper!"
Nothing. "What the heck!" grumbles Sarge. "I was almost done, I hope we didn't use it all up." He climbs on hands and knees to the attic trapdoor. Looking down his eyes get bigger and bigger and "Oh my God!" the scene that is waiting under the trapdoor is unbelievable. There is Lt. Linda, trying vainly to stop the upward flow of dirty gray colored insulation with her hands over the now spewing exhaust of the blower as the hose that Sarge gave a extra hard tug hangs swinging in the blast of insulation. Sarge quickly climbs down the ladder and digs through the insulation covered floor until he finds the blower cord. Jerks it from it's wall socket and the howl of the blower slowly subsides. Silence.
Then Sarge looks up at his pretty wife who is now indistinguishable from the wall, the floor or any part of the house. She is just a standing lump of gray insulation. Then Sarge did the worse thing he could possible do. He started chuckling, then laughing, then he couldn't hold it back and was LMAO. The gray statue began to snort little puffs of insulation into the air. then to shake like a wet dog, powered by a burst of feminine gigles that came from inside the figure.
The house was now a neutral gray. There is insulation stuck to everything. The curtains, the walls, the kitchen cabinets, the cookoo clock was chugging it's way through a coating of gray insulation trying vainly to keep time. CooKoo puffff blubb.
Scene # 5
"Sarge" purrs Lt. Linda, it is so nice and warm in here now."
"Good take your clothes off and I will be in the bedroom as soon as I finish the comics." says Sarge.
"You mean our newly remodeled bedroom with the new drapes and the new carpet and new wall paper?" inquires Linda coyly.
"Yeh, Yeh, and our newly remodeled front room and kitchen and halls. Don't rub it in Lieutenant grumbles Sarge, "He he he" Linda chuckles as she strolls toward the bedroom unbuttoning her blouse.
Hey, at least it ended well.
Loves Calamities ;)
Sir; I think I just wet my self hahahaha; She is a cutie ahhahaha:) any ''you''; hahahha aint quite rite to tell such a story:)bhahaha LMAO:)
:d you win sarge
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