Let's Lie on Our Resume!
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Old 09-08-2012, 04:22 PM   #1
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Default Let's Lie on Our Resume!

You've been unemployed since 2009. You can't look at another Cup-O-Soup without wretching.

You decide to take the plunge.

You figure, "Even if they find me out and fire me, at least I got a couple of paychecks in."

So the format goes like this:

I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

Then I____________________.

Go!

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Old 09-08-2012, 04:26 PM   #2
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So an example is this:

I worked at ACME Corp, until 2009, I was laid off due to economy cuts.

I then traveled to the Hunan province in China, where I spent the next 3 years as a Shaolin Monk.



I don't care who the HR is, they're thinking, "Shaolin Monk, that's awesome, and a religious diversity hire."

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Old 09-08-2012, 04:34 PM   #3
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Utilized a contact from college and got on board with "Doctors without Borders" where I was able to go to Africa.

While there I decided my previous work in the field of "Shipping and Receiving Management" was pointless and didn't really challenge me, or reward me, with a sense of purpose.

While in a small village in upper Nigeria I met Dr. Jennifer Pilson, a brilliant and beautiful, Doctor who specialized in viral transmission and acceptance in a host body.

Together, through extensive study and a torrid love affair with study and each other, we developed an antibody that not only can help the body fight off the initial exposure to the AIDS virus, but actually can help reverse the damage done to the white and red blood cells along with immune system.

We were beyond thrilled, but neither of us had any experience in patents, so we hired the first lawyer in the book who had "patents" as a "specialty".

To make a long story short he scammed us, took the patent for himself and that is why he has a Nobel Prize and I, good sir, am asking you for a job...

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Old 09-08-2012, 08:02 PM   #4
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Invented an auto engine that gets 250mpg, and produces vodka as a by product. Oil company executives stole the design and the government warned they would kill my family if I ever talked about the design again.

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Old 09-08-2012, 08:20 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TWMIM View Post
You've been unemployed since 2009. You can't look at another Cup-O-Soup without wretching.

You decide to take the plunge.

You figure, "Even if they find me out and fire me, at least I got a couple of paychecks in."

So the format goes like this:

I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

Then I____________________.

Go!
I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

Then I decided to build myself a Viking sail boat. Once completed I went down to the local orphanage and adopted 18 of the sexiest Russian girls you ever laid eyes on. We then set sail from Cape Bauld Newfoundland and intended to sail south along the eastern seaboard making landfall as supplies were needed. When we reached Cape Cod that is when the fun began ...

We made straight for Aunt Lydias cove, taking down a few schooners with wild fire as we made landfall. In the panic the towns people came rushing to us and offered us loot and plunder to slake our desires. As par of our accord they conceded to allow us to return once a year to do as we please

We then set sail for the Jersey Shore ... never making landfall we raked the entire coast of Jersey with our wild fire. Our hope was to eradicate all the Guidos and Guidettes from existence

After that we headed to the Outer Banks and partied and drank for a month!

Next up was Miami ... we skulked into port in the dead of night. But much to my dismay the girls went awol to attend the AVA awards and get studio contracts


So that's what brings me here ..... looking for a job as head grocery bagger. My experience shows that I can lead a team and handle stressful situations
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Old 09-08-2012, 09:09 PM   #6
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We then set sail for the Jersey Shore ... never making landfall we raked the entire coast of Jersey with our wild fire. Our hope was to eradicate all the Guidos and Guidettes from existence
Thread killer right there. Just sayin'. Nobel Peace Prize worthy to boot.
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Old 09-08-2012, 09:46 PM   #7
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I was on Obama's advisory council on how to address the issue of firearms.
I was so successful, that Obama has been nominated as the best firearms salesman of the year for 2012.

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Old 09-08-2012, 10:04 PM   #8
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I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

Then I taught myself quantum physics and nuclear engineering. As part of my research I designed and built a miniature power plant, about the size of a sugar cube, capable of producing 2,000,000,000,000 gigawatts. Unfortunately, a design flaw in the shielding produced a worm hole in my family room and the entire device and my new 55" flat screen were transported to the future. Hopefully, it only went forward a few months or years, so if possible I would prefer a temporary position.

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"A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government." - George Washington

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Old 09-08-2012, 10:09 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dog2000tj

I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.

Then I decided to build myself a Viking sail boat. Once completed I went down to the local orphanage and adopted 18 of the sexiest Russian girls you ever laid eyes on. We then set sail from Cape Bauld Newfoundland and intended to sail south along the eastern seaboard making landfall as supplies were needed. When we reached Cape Cod that is when the fun began ...

We made straight for Aunt Lydias cove, taking down a few schooners with wild fire as we made landfall. In the panic the towns people came rushing to us and offered us loot and plunder to slake our desires. As par of our accord they conceded to allow us to return once a year to do as we please

We then set sail for the Jersey Shore ... never making landfall we raked the entire coast of Jersey with our wild fire. Our hope was to eradicate all the Guidos and Guidettes from existence

After that we headed to the Outer Banks and partied and drank for a month!

Next up was Miami ... we skulked into port in the dead of night. But much to my dismay the girls went awol to attend the AVA awards and get studio contracts

So that's what brings me here ..... looking for a job as head grocery bagger. My experience shows that I can lead a team and handle stressful situations
Keep twmim away!!
He will set it on fire and you will all die horribly. I on the other hand, love boating, and would make an excellent cook, or 1st mate as needed
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Old 09-08-2012, 10:42 PM   #10
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I worked at Acme Corp for 12 years, until 2009. I was laid off due to economy cuts.
Deciding to devote the available time to my studies of marine wildlife, I spent the next 18 months in the creation of an electronic translator program that would enable humans and dolphins to talk directly with each other. However, the program contained an unexpected flaw, translating Dolphin into Ebonics. All messages from the dolphins seem to include a statement about "yo mama", and the program has been placed on hold for the present.

At that time I was contacted by former associates from the US Army, artillery branch. They were seeking assistance in researching the Man Howitzer. This project sought to provide rapid battlefield deployment of Infantry soldiers by launching them from a special cannon. After six months, I left the program, feeling that we would never find men of that caliber.

In April of that year, while having lunch with the Dalai Lama, he mentioned that his good friend, notdku, was having problems with a struggling website. The discussions that the site was intended to foster were being drowned by strife and discord, along with a few trolls. Notdku immediately offered me a position as a moderator on his site.

The work has been very fulfilling, but there have been unresolved issues with the group. The staff at the bank continue to burst into gales of laughter whenever I enter the bank with one of the paychecks, and the Moderator's lounge was confiscated by the city (They claimed it was THEIR garbage truck, and they could take it where they wanted to)

In July of this year, our annual Moderator's Outing was planned for a 3 hour cruise aboard the USS Monica Lewinsky, one of the newest sightseeing subs to be placed in service. However, due to an oversight by a member of the crew (Gecko 45), a set of body armor trauma plates prevented the water tight door from sealing, resulting in the loss of the vessel, and all our firearms.

At this time I am gathering resources and engaging in training to enter the Mount Everest bike race in 2014, and am seeking employment in the field of quantum physics, immunohematology, clinical parapsychology, or porta potty sanitation and service.
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What we have here is... failure- to communicate.

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