Jokes we've all seen before.......And Laughed!
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:47 AM   #1
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Default Jokes we've all seen before.......And Laughed!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
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Old 04-07-2011, 02:18 AM   #2
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i laughed again LOL!!

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Old 04-07-2011, 02:52 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dunerunner View Post

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


My favorite
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Old 04-07-2011, 10:12 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dunerunner View Post
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.
What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

A quick learner.
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:26 PM   #5
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Even my wife laughed at those.
Pretty comical.

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Old 04-08-2011, 12:23 AM   #6
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May or may not be a joke, but a friend of mine just sent me this e-mail titled "Actual ad from Craig(s)list." A little long, but worth the read.

Quote:
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or " Mom ma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
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Old 04-08-2011, 12:30 AM   #7
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Man I do love some good jokes, I needed the laughs.

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Old 04-08-2011, 12:30 AM   #8
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Oo oo, I want to play

<------I'm a smart ars too.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

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Old 04-08-2011, 12:59 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VICTIMNOMORE View Post
Oo oo, I want to play

<------I'm a smart ars too.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
My Favorite!!

The correct answer is "A woman to find the instruction book!"

Well Done!!
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Old 04-08-2011, 01:27 AM   #10
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good to know everyone has a sense of humor 'round here

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