A joke (well not really)
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Old 05-16-2007, 03:45 PM   #1
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Default A joke (well not really)

If you have any questions about the following please feel free too ask!


You know you are in the Australian Outback when:

1) You have to wait until after 9pm at night so the COLD water won't be too hot to bathe in.
2) You find out that the water spraying over the pond near the artesian well is to cool it down from 160F so the cows can
drink it.
3) Some of the tractor trailer trucks you pass are 160 feet long and have three trailers in tandem (road trains).
4) You are thrilled when you go out at 7AM and find the temperature only 33C(90F) so far.
5) Stores offer insect repellent as "impulse items" beside the cash register.
6) The petrol stations are 150 miles apart.
7) You notice sweat running down your legs but in the next breath comment on how comfortable it is today.
8) You look forward to the availability of the NEXT 3 STAR motel.
9) You carry your own jar of instant Lipton's Iced Tea (with lemon) into the restaurant for dinner.
10) You find that you can routinely see 3km or more down the perfectly straight road when you get ready to pass a road
train.
11) You can drive on the main highway (and the ONLY paved highway) for the region and pass just 5 vehicles an hour
coming in the opposite direction.
12) You stop on the side of the road, and any driver coming along stops and asks if you need help.
13) The anthills on the side of the road are taller than you are.
14) Farms along the highway are often larger than Rhode Island.
15) Your Hertz rental station wagon is the only 2 wheel drive vehicle in a parking lot. (And the others all have "Roo
Bars" and snorkels.)
16) You are afraid to drive at night because you might hit a kangaroo.
17) Petrol costs 95 cents a LITER and you are DELIGHTED to pay it.
18) The car air conditioner is always on BOOST.
19) You get excited because the sign says "McDonald's - 190km ahead".
20) A heated discussion develops over whether to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the car or to eat at the
roadhouse lunch bar, the only restaurant within 300 km.
21) Your wife keeps asking if you checked the oil and water at the last petrol stop.
22) A petrol station with 2 pumps, a one star motel, and a lunch counter is shown on a map of the continent.
23) The nearest telephone is 150km away.
24) You see a bush fire and report it at the next police station and they say, "Burn now, burn later, don't worry about
it".
25) They call dust devils "Willie Willies" and you can see 4 or 5 in a day.
26) Getting dressed up to go out to dinner means putting on your socks.
27) One of the questions you ask at the motel desk is: "Do you have evaporative cooling or refrigerated air conditioning?"
28) The lizards you see on the highway are 2 feet long.
29) You notice that the electric power line along the road has only ONE wire.
30) The motel runs its diesel generator all day and all night every day so you will have electricity.
31) The motel has its own water demineralization plant.
32) You wonder why in the world you brought all of those long pants with you.
33) The Flying Doctor Service guarantees they can get you to a hospital in less than 2 hours in case of emergency.
34) The locals advise you to take an HF radio with you to use in case you have an "off the road" emergency and need help.
35) You check your emergency food and water supplies each morning before leaving the motel.
36) You come to know the true meaning of "miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles".
37) You go outside and notice sweat beads rolling down your back and consider it perfectly normal.
38) Most of the wide river beds you see are without water.
39) Road signs say names like "Humpty Doo and Jabiru, next left".
40) Road signs warn of "Kangaroos, next 50km".
41) The TV in the motel has ONE channel and it ISN't CNN.
42) You turn on the car radio and fail to locate ANY station on either the AM or FM dial.
43) You notice that the flies go for the nose first.
44) The girls notice that the lower back half of their hair is soaking wet and they haven't been swimming or showering.
45) You aren't able to wear a t-shirt more than one day.
46) You are pleased to invest $7 in your own personal "face net" to keep the ever present flies at bay.
47) The water in the swimming pool is warmer than your bath water.
48) The locals all have SNORKELS on their four wheel drive vehicles in case of flooded roads.(And, just as important..
to keep the air intake up out of the dust so you will not have to change your engine air filter daily if you drive on "unsealed" roads.)
49) The cockatoos and parrots are flying FREE.
50) You know you can't be lost because there is only one paved road and you're on it.
51) You realize that the POMS wear knee length socks in the desert to soak up the sweat and help cool off their legs.
52) The hotel you stop at for the night has a large outdoor swimming pool with 40 tons of refrigeration so the water is
cool enough to swim in. (Mt. Isa)

Whatever it is about the Outback, you know that the beauty, the harshness and the uniqueness of the Australian Outback are
without comparison and that you will return one day to this picturesque place.

__________________

The ocean has no compassion, no faith, no law, no memory. Its fickleness is to be held true to man's purpose only by an undaunted resolution and by sleepless, armed, jealous vigilance in which, perhaps, there has always been more hate than love. -Joseph Conrad The Mirror of the Sea

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Old 05-16-2007, 03:51 PM   #2
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Default Another one

You know you're in Australia in January when:-

a.. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

b.. Hot water comes out of both taps.

c.. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

d.. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

e.. You discover that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

f.. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

g.. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

h.. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

i.. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

j.. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

k.. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

l.. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

m.. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

n.. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.

o. You catch a cold from having the air conditioner full blast while you sleep during the night.

and Finally

You learn that the local Mall isn't a shopping centre it's a temple to worship air-conditioning.

__________________

The ocean has no compassion, no faith, no law, no memory. Its fickleness is to be held true to man's purpose only by an undaunted resolution and by sleepless, armed, jealous vigilance in which, perhaps, there has always been more hate than love. -Joseph Conrad The Mirror of the Sea

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Old 05-16-2007, 03:53 PM   #3
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Default You can tell its late and Im bored!!!

Rules At My House

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. > The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does > not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object.Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a KING size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep,
people cannot.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing
but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats
are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a
gazillion dollars for college-and if they get pregnant, you can sell their
children....LEGALLY!!

__________________

The ocean has no compassion, no faith, no law, no memory. Its fickleness is to be held true to man's purpose only by an undaunted resolution and by sleepless, armed, jealous vigilance in which, perhaps, there has always been more hate than love. -Joseph Conrad The Mirror of the Sea

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Old 05-16-2007, 03:56 PM   #4
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Default One more for the Aircraft buffs

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."


Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

__________________

The ocean has no compassion, no faith, no law, no memory. Its fickleness is to be held true to man's purpose only by an undaunted resolution and by sleepless, armed, jealous vigilance in which, perhaps, there has always been more hate than love. -Joseph Conrad The Mirror of the Sea

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Old 05-16-2007, 08:51 PM   #5
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I enjoyed these!! I saw a lot in your first post, about Australia, that could also be said about Central Florida, where I grew up.

My favorite CFL joke is about the mosquitoes. I used to camp out on Lake Kissimmee in Central Florida. HUGE mosquitoes!! I was asleep in my tent one night and I heard 2 mosquitoes talking!! One said, "Should we eat him here or take him outside!" The other one said, "Nah!! If we take him outside, the BIG ONES will take him away from us!"

I've never been to Australia, but my Dad almost moved our family to just outside (about 100 miles which is "just" outside) Sydney to work with a missionary. It fell through, but it just about happened.

My Dad would have loved it!!

MarMac

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