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Old 07-09-2010, 01:52 PM   #11
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THE WALL


Three men - a farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The American says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America. '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in the United States was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's completely impenetrable.'

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

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Yes, at WalMart, you can pick up a gun, ammo, ski mask and your antidepressants all in one trip. Darn convenient if you ask me...:D
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Old 07-09-2010, 02:09 PM   #12
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A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of
the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of
the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still
waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his
chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine
went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on
in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine
and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap,
so, He sent me."

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Old 07-09-2010, 02:18 PM   #13
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What's the definition of suspicion?

















When your hotdog has veins.

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Old 07-09-2010, 03:55 PM   #14
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"

The man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand: nothing. So, I tried with my left hand: nothing. My wife tried with her right hand: nothing. Her left hand: nothing. Her mouth: nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth. . .still nothing."

"Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!"

"Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

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Old 07-09-2010, 04:26 PM   #15
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Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?







Fo drizzle!

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Old 07-09-2010, 05:40 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gojubrian View Post
What do you call a man with no arms,no legs water skiing?

Skip

What do you call a man with no arms,no legs lying in a pile of leaves?

Russel

What do you call a woman with just one leg?

Ilene

A chinese woman with one leg?

Irene

A women with a wooden leg?

Peg

A guy that falls in a vat of acid?

Stew
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Old 07-09-2010, 06:27 PM   #17
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The Moral of The Story

A teacher was trying to get her class to understand the concept of stories with life lessons in them. She sent the kids home and asked them to come back at the end of the week with a story that had a moral.

On Friday, she asked them to tell their stories.

First, little Sally stood up. She said, "My family owns a farm. On our farm we raise chickens. This week we had 24 eggs that were supposed to hatch and grow to be chickens that we could sell. But, only 12 of them hatched and we won't be able to make as much money."

The teacher asked, "What's the moral of the story?"

Sally said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

The Teacher commended her and asked Bobby to tell his story.

Bobby said, "Our family also raises chickens. But, we sell the eggs at market. This week our chickens laid 48 eggs for us and we were going to sell them. We loaded them all up, but the driver took a turn too fast and spilled all of them on the road and they broke. Now, we won't have any to sell."

The teacher asked, "What's the moral of the story?"

Bobby said, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

The teacher commended him and began looking for another student with a story. Johnny was practically dancing in his seat with his arm raised high. The teacher said, 'Go ahead Johnny. Tell us your story."

Johnny said, "My uncle is in the 101st Airborne Division in the Middle East. One day, he parachuted into Iraq with his M-16, a Machete, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's. He drank the whole bottle on the way to the jump zone, but got seperated from his company after jumping. When he landed, he found himself surrounded by 70 Iraqi soldiers. He shot 30 of them before he ran out of ammo. Then, he killed another 30 with the Machete before the handle broke. he killed the last 10 with his bare hands just before his unit found him."

The teacher asked, "What's the moral of the story?"

Johnny said, "The moral of the story is; Don't **** with my Uncle when he's been drinkin'."

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Old 07-09-2010, 07:24 PM   #18
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An over-the-road truck driver stops into a brothel. He asks the madam for the fattest and ugliest woman on the payroll.

"We have only beautiful women here, sir." Repled the Madam.

"You did not hear me. I want the fattest, ugliest woman here." Demanded the truck driver.

"I'm sure you will enjoy one of our beautiful women more." Encouraged the Madam.

The truck driver came clean. "Look, lady. I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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...without the Second, we cannot protect the rest!
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Old 07-09-2010, 07:56 PM   #19
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I'm so happy I resurrected the thread.

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Old 07-09-2010, 11:46 PM   #20
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Very Clean: A guy walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk behind the counter "I need a two by four"
The clerk says "How long do you want it?"
The guy says "Well, I'd like to keep it."

What do you call a cow with short left legs? Lean beef.

Less Clean: How do you circumsize a West Virginian?
Kick his sister in the chin.

Why is it so hard to solve a murder in West Virginia?
There are no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.

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