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Old 05-07-2009, 08:48 PM   #1
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Keep 'em clean. Here's one to get us started:

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

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Old 05-07-2009, 09:13 PM   #2
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How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

Wave at him

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?

Matt


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the side of a mountain?

Cliff


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hiding in the bushes?

Russel

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Old 05-07-2009, 10:14 PM   #3
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So there's these 2 muffins in the oven,

the first muffin says the the second muffin - "man, it is hot in hear"

the second muffin says - "HOLY ****, a talking muffin"


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Old 05-07-2009, 11:01 PM   #4
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A man walks into a bar...the second man ducked.

Tip your waitress and try the veal! I'm here all week!

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Old 05-08-2009, 02:59 AM   #5
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how do you get out of an elephant's stomach?

run around till you get pooped out.

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Old 05-08-2009, 03:12 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gregs887 View Post
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

Wave at him

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?

Matt


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the side of a mountain?

Cliff


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hiding in the bushes?

Russel
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs flying over a fence?

Homer.
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Old 05-08-2009, 07:12 AM   #7
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A Hoosier and a Kentuckian are walking together across the Sahara when they come across a lamp. They rub it and "poof", out pops a genie.

"I'll grant you each ONE wish!" says the genie.

The Hoosier says, "Ahhhh, I got a good one. I wish for a glass of water that automatically refills itself." Magically, the glass of water appears in the Hoosiers hand.

Next the Kentuckian thinks to himself, "That Indiana boy thinks he's so smart, wishing for that glass of water. I'll outsmart him." He says, "Hey genie I want a truck door!"

Bewildered, the genie grants his wish and an old pickup truck door appears next to him in the sand. The genie laughs and disappears.

The Hoosier asks, "Dude, why in the hell did you ask for a truck door?"

The Kentuckian says, "Duh, if it gets hot, I can roll down the window!"

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Old 05-08-2009, 09:00 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ubergopher View Post
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs flying over a fence?

Homer.
What do you call a man with no arms,no legs water skiing?

Skip

What do you call a man with no arms,no legs lying in a pile of leaves?

Russel

What do you call a woman with just one leg?

Ilene

A chinese woman with one leg?

Irene

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Old 05-08-2009, 11:01 AM   #9
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Default And then the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!! ". So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

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Old 07-09-2010, 12:41 PM   #10
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Had to revive this to post one.

JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips
out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting full disability."

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