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Old 09-18-2012, 11:54 PM   #981
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to
marry her right away.**

*She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other..'*

*He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as
we go along.'*

*So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a
honeymoon at a very nice resort.*

*One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off
of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two
and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike
position, at which point he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.*

*After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down
on the towel.*

*She said, 'That was incredible!'*

*He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'*

*So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.*

*After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.*

*He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?'*

*'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Pittsburgh and I worked
both sides of the River"

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Old 09-24-2012, 05:58 PM   #982
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Default Do not Mix Them.



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Old 09-29-2012, 01:42 AM   #983
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the
hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else
in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and
found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it
that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and
saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to
Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?”

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Old 10-01-2012, 11:20 PM   #984
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From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes." ... ya gotta love it!

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Old 10-02-2012, 12:13 AM   #985
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Default I Like The Way Your Thinking

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Johnny, "Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four", said the teacher, "But I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone, and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well", the teacher replied nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No" said little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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Old 10-02-2012, 09:59 PM   #986
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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

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Old 10-02-2012, 11:35 PM   #987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.
Dude do you mean Saint Lawrence County New York? I grew up and went to college there!
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Old 10-03-2012, 04:34 PM   #988
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My friend told me this joke yesterday and I thought it was pretty funny.

What to you call the area between the p***y and the a**hole?

The driving range because that's where we hit our balls when we are f**king!! Haha

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Old 10-04-2012, 11:38 PM   #989
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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

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Old 10-04-2012, 11:51 PM   #990
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Default Mommys Balloons

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

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